Alternate Lyrics: My Cherry Pie (All Time High)

Members of the CommanderBond.net Forums are currently creating alternate lyrics for James Bond themes and 'Tanger' has come up with one that I'm particularily impressed with!

It's My Cherry Pie, which should be sung to the music of All Time High, the title theme for Octopussy.

All i wanted was a sweet dessert to eat after tea,
I never thought it could be,
A strawberry mousse.

In my time I've had desserts and more and some that could make you sick,
The cake icing's too thick,
I don't like sponge.

It's a cherry pie,
It's more than I've had before,
Yes it's so much more;
Than a plate of jell-y

I want cherry pie,
I'll take on the whole damn thing;
So hold on tight,
Let this night,
Begin.

I don't want to waste a single crumb I don't want to leave;
A single slice of this great,

Tremendous pie.

Chocolate cake is a thing that makes my sides grow thick,
But more substantial to this,
Is a huge great pie.

Bring me cherry pie,
I'll eat it in one go,
Leaving not a crumb,
Watch it grow yes my bum.
I like cherry pie,

Leaving it I hate,
So make me more,
Before I eat my plate.

Make me cherry pie-ie-ie-ie.

Sean Connery's Hairpiece

It was a miserable, grey, rainy afternoon. I was sitting on the couch half watching Diamonds Are Forever when there was a knock on the door. It was my neighbour Mrs. Lintini, an Italian woman in her mid 50’s. She had brought some pizzas, straight out of the oven over just for me, God bless her. She’s always telling me that I need fattening up. I thank her for Pizzas, not telling her about my recent efforts to heat Frozen Pizza. As I tucked into my lunch, Mrs. Lintini noticed the video I’d put on.

“Hey, this is one of those James Bond films” she observed. I was amazed, amazed that a middle aged Italian woman, who spoke average English and wasn’t one for popular fads, would know about James Bond. I guess what they say is true, James Bond is one of those things that language and age is no barrier, everybody everywhere knows about it, just like Coke, or McDonalds.

Just as I had made a mental note to get some McDonalds for tea later, Mrs. Lintini said something else that amazed me. “Did you know that Sean Connery wore a hairpiece in many of his Bond films?” she asked. Now I was truly impressed, I thought only the most dedicated Bond knew about that sort of thing. Mrs. Lintini suggested that Connery’s toupee would now be worth millions, to which I replied that she was slightly exaggerating. This got her going.

“We’re not talking about just any old piece of smelly rat fur” Mrs. Lintini began, clearly starting to get excited. “This is the great mans toupee, an absolute collectors item. There are treasure hunters searching far and wide, all over the world, following ancient maps and clues in the vague hope of stumbling onto the prized possession, a sort of Holy Grail if you will. Legend has it that if the toupee is recovered and placed on Connery’s scalp during the full moon of any odd numbered month, Connery’s youth and power will be restored and he will return to reclaim the role of James Bond once more. Get down on your knees and hail to the Legend!!” she said, before getting on her knees and doing just that.

Okay, so maybe Mrs. Lintini hadn’t been taking her medication, but after she left it all go me thinking, about the great film props of the Bond films, the ones like Sean Connery’s hairpiece, weird objects not exactly famous outside Bond circles, but would still make for amazing collectables.

When people talk about what film props they’d love to have in their collection of Bond memorabilia it’s the same old discussions. The Aston Martin, Odd Jobs hat, they all say. These are the super famous things that everyone, even those who aren’t Bond fans know about. Yeah, these things a ultra cool, but frankly, I think there are far greater treasures out there in the Bond world, the props that all Bond fans notice when they see them on screen, but never talk about with other Bond fans. I’m not talking about Largo’s eye patch or Jaws’ teeth; I’m talking about the real obscure props that, in my opinion would make the ultimate collectables. Get your hands on some of these one-of-a-kind gems and you’ll be the envy of collectors.

One of these items is the pink tie that Bond wears in Diamonds Are Forever. The pink tie has had Bond fans and fashion gurus hanging their heads in embarrassment for 30 years now. Terence Young would never have allowed it and I’m surprised that Guy Hamilton or even Sean Connery did. The fact that the tie is pink is pretty bad, but that’s not the worst of it for me, its because its so short, barely going halfway down his shirt, it looks ridiculous. Yeah, this film was made in the seventies, but I can’t picture this tie ever, ever being in fashion. Obviously Bond fans would love to get there hands on this tie, if only to set fire to it and burn it in a paranoid frenzy, to make sure that Bond never wears it again.

Now, lets talk about vehicles. Forget the Aston Martin or the Lotus, if you want a Bond vehicle to go cursing around for chicks in, then Blofeld’s Bath-O-Sub seen towards the end of Diamonds Are Forever is for you. We never got to see the Sub in action, but my theory is that it would be superior to Bonds rocket Boat in The World is not Enough. Slick design, lovely paint job, this watercraft will drive the ladies wild and would also look great in your collection. Unfortunately, you’ll have to rule this baby out, The Ian Fleming Foundation are way ahead of us, they got hold of Bath-O-Sub long ago. I’m currently forming a covert team with plans to infiltrate their base and seize the Sub; interested parties should rendezvous outside my house at 1800 hours.

Okay, so the Bath-O-Sub is off the market, but there is plenty more weird and wonderful treasures out there. How about the rubber snake Bond buys from the store in Live and Let Die? You can stick it across the bottom of your door during winter to stop warm air from escaping, making it a practical purchase, plus its guaranteed to increase in value over the years. There’s also Q’s robotic dog from A View to A Kill, one of the least used and least popular Q gadgets in history, anyone who got a hold of that would surely be the envy of all there friends. It that’s not your cup of tea there also the issue of Playboy that Bond read in OHMSS. Playboy makes for great reading material, due to the fascinating articles ofcourse, and when you tell people its the exact one that George Lazenby read, you’ll get a reply of “George Who?” that will make it all worthwhile.

And last, but certainly not the least, the motherload, the item that would take centre stage in anyones collection, I don’t care how big or special you think your Bond shrine is, this one object would outdo everything you own combined, you’ll wet your pants with excitement at just the sheer prospect of getting your hands on this prop, it really does put everything else to shame. What item am I babbling on about? The black thick rimmed glasses that Rosa Klebb wears in From Russia With Love when briefing Tatiana ofcourse. You know the ones I’m talking about, I don’t even have to go into any details. What a collectors item those glasses would be. Here’s Rosa Klebb, trying to pass off a sinister, scheming, evil woman and doing a pretty good job of it, until, that is, she has to put on these laughable, goofy glasses. Thousand of collectors have roamed all other the world searching for these glasses, but so far have all come up empty handed. Several people have tried to make imitation glasses and pass them off as the genuine article, but those who have studied photos of the glasses can spot these dodgy forgeries instantly.

By now you probably feel that your Casino Royale first edition and your Roger Moore dinner jacket from The Spy who Loved me are worthless, but don’t throw them out with the garbage just yet, they are still pretty highly sort after amongst those who haven’t been enlightened by this article Just make an effort to ensure the items in your collection a little more diverse, a little more special.

Until next time,

Freemo

The 70's Bond Films

It’s 12 noon Thursday, I’m sitting in front of the old computer, trying in vain to finish this article. Well, actually, the truth is I haven’t even started it yet. I know, I know, I’ve been a lazy boy this week. But you can’t expect to produce a high quality article on an empty stomach. I put a frozen pizza in the oven to satisfy my grumbling tummy and wander upstairs back to my computer and sit, twiddling my thumbs and hoping for a bit of inspiration, suddenly the phone rings.
“Hello”
“Yes this is Freemo, who is this?”
“The taxation department you say?, what a pleasant suprise”
“Yes, I’m aware that I haven’t paid my taxes since 1998”
“No I don’t have a secret illegal bank account in Panama”
“Well I don’t know here you get your information from”
Despite the fact that you are only hearing my side of the conversation, you are can probably tell that I’m in trouble here, the situation called for some quick thinking and
some smooth talking.
“Um, Me no speak English” I stammer before hanging up the phone. Phew, another potential crisis solved, but my last line struck a cord in my brain, “Me no speak English” is that Bond related? Let me think, ah yes, sort of. It’s “I speak English, who is your floor”.

That’s right, its Sean Connery speaking to the real Peter Franks in Diamonds are Forever, perhaps (but probably not) the first of the ‘Silly Moments” that came, unwelcomed by many, into the Bond films during the 70’s and changed the tone of the series during the Roger Moore years. Hmmm, why not write an article about that, those snotty Dalton fans who take delight in analyzing what is supposed to be entertainment will really be cheesed off, perfect.

Those “Silly Moments”, the wider audience probably loved them, they probably laughed, so I guess putting them into the films can be justified, but many hardcore Bond fans will disagree, they claim they are cartoonish, un-Fleming like and cover the Moore Bond films like a nasty rash. I think we need to examine some of these ‘Silly Moments’ and determine, which ones worked and which ones we could have done without, lets go though the Seventies Bond films and take a new, enlightened look…

Diamonds Are Forever – This is the transition film from the serious, smooth 60s Bond films with subtle humour to the light hearted, laidback style of the silly 70s flicks. The Asian Army dude running around on fire when Blofeld aims the laser at the rockets is a weak attempt at getting a laugh, and a strong attempt at getting a groan. There are a few other cheesy additions, some that work and some that don’t. One that I do like though is Bond talking with the rat in the pipes “One of us smells like a tarts handkerchief, I’m afraid its me, sorry about that Old Boy”. Its classy and silly, I give that one two thumbs up.

Live and Let Die – Kananga’s death, an absolute embarrasment to the series, is almost unforgivable. I liked Kananga as a villain, he’s underrated by fans, he was sophisticated, he was smooth. Some villians are lucky to have one decent henchmen, he had about four, remember Tee Hee, Baron Samedi, the bloke with the claw and that dude who played the flute while he was on marijuana? What I’m saying is Kananga was a good villain. But his death scene, blowing up like a balloon and even worse the explosion, that was very cartoonish, and very bad, they should have just feed him to the sharks, that would have been much better. However, Sheriff JW Pepper is quite a welcome addition to this movie, he has plenty to say and his spitting and he “Yeah Boy” and his racist remarks and his gut all work okay for me. “I’m guessing this ain’t exactly your debut at this sort of thing hey boy” he says while frisking (is that the word?) one of Kananga’s men, classic.

Moonraker – Somedays I love Moonraker and other days don’t, today I don’t. Well, that’s being a tad strong, but Moonraker is a very cheesy film indeed. Who would have thought that a movie that featured such gems as “You missed Mr Bond” “Did I?” and “Make sure some harm comes to him” could also contain some utter garbage. The pigeon doing double takes, Jaws acting like the Coyote from the Road Runner cartoons and him falling in love would all be laughable except for the fact that its just not funny. Thank goodness Ian Fleming didn’t have to stomach watching his creation become little more than a poor spoof of itself. Don’t even get me started on the space stuff, twenty years later, with the advances in technology, and it still looks far fetched. Don’t get me wrong, some days I sit back and enjoy Moonraker for what it is, two hours of globe trotting adventure fun, some days I laugh along with the jokes and love the film, today is not one of these days.

Octopussy – Yes, I do realise that because it was made in 1983 it is therefore, technically, not a 70’s film. But it is (after Moonraker) the second silliest Bond film in the series and it more than earns its place in the ‘Silly’ Era. A serious and complex plot about jewel forgery, a rouge Russian general with domination on his mind and that island full of women is marred by some very silly moments indeed. The tennis jokes were okay, but the crowd acting like there watching a game took away from what was a brilliant chase, and yes, it was a great sequence, far more enjoyable than any of the action scenes in The World is Not Enough. The Tarzan yell when Bond is swinging on the vines is a absolute disgrace, I really hope that someone got fired for that blunder. But on the upside the Toro joke “Sounds like a load of bull” was perfect.

Overall, some of these ‘Silly Moments’ worked and worked well, quite allot didn’t work, particulary with Bond fans, but I’m starting to think thats not the point. I’m sure that the general audience at the theatre would have loved them. Its apparently what they wanted at that time, and you have to give the audience what they want. The series wouldn’t have lasted 40 years without the Non Bond fans buying those tickets and filling those asles. Yes, I prefer the slick one liners from Thunderball as humour over the slapstick of Moonraker, but hey, each Bond film is different and thats the way it should be, change keeps things from getting stale. People who call for the films to be more like novels don’t realise that films aer a whole different thing, with there own style and are brilliant in there own way. Like I said, You have to do your best to give the audience what they want, without them the series would crash and burn.

I rock back on my chair to contemplate this theory, but the last word seems sticks in my mind. ‘Burn’, I think over and over, Burn, Burn, Burn. “Oh, No”, I remember that there’s that Pizza that has been in the oven for over half and hour now, “Oh No” I say again (I say other things, but they’re not fit for print). Sure enough the pizza has turned a very undelicious black. I take what used to be my Pizza into the lounge room and sit on the couch. I have two choices for this afternoon, I can either watch one of my Bond videos or I can study for Uni. Naturally, I go for the Bond movie. I put my feet up so I can relax a watch while I eat my burnt Pizza. Now, which type of Bond video should I watch? A smooth 60’s one, or a silly 70’s one, I just can’t decide.

Until next time,

Freemo

Nightmare Bond Films

Practically all the 007 novels of Ian Fleming have been turned into films, but no more books doesn’t mean there are any plans to stop making James Bond movies, not while Pierce Brosnan continues to make gazillions of dollars in the box office. But what it does mean is that the producers and writers of new Bond films now have to come up with their own ideas. And that can be tough, coming up with something new and different, but maintaining quality and that classic Bond feel. But what if those involved develop writers block (a great cure for writers cramp by the way) and get into a bit of trouble? They could find themselves scrapping the bottom of the barrel and using any material they come up with merely to keep churning out more 007 blockbusters. Well, for your enjoyment, Today we are going to dig in deep and look at the bottom of the barrel, the Bond films we hope we never see, the type of films that Bond fans have nightmare about. If you thought Casino Royale and Never Say Never Again were stinkers, well you were right, but they’re potential Oscar winners when compared with these Nightmare Bond Film ideas.

Croctopussy – A furious M sends Bond to the Australian outback to investigate rumors suggesting that Kevin McClory is hiding out in an old shack somewhere in the bush, plotting a scheme to steal property from EON Productions. When Bond arrives in the land downunder he teams up with Crocodile Dundee (Paul Hogan), but not everything is how it seems in the outback. The kookaburras are laughing just a bit too loudly, and things are looking quite suspicious, perhaps a bit too suspicious. Have Bond and Dundee finally met their match?

You Only Live Rice – When 007 realises that he hasn’t paid his taxes in six years, he flees to China and hides out in a fortune cookie factory, where he gets a job writing the fortunes. But Bond soon discovers that the fortune cookie production is a front, a front for something far more sinister, and when James Bond comes face to face with the mastermind behind the operation, he will be in for the shock of his life.

The Spy Who Loved Me, Then Two Timed, With My Sister – Two Russian agent sisters discover that Bond ‘got busy’ with both of them during the same week. They devise a plan to assassinate the star of secret agents, and blow up his flat in London. But thankfully Bond was out at the time, getting lucky with the mother of the two agents. But all this does is fuel the fire, the tension heats up, and Bond soon finds that two against one is not a fair match up.

A View to a Spill – A tanker taking Oil from a rig to the main land has an accident and spills some of its black gold. Despite the fact that their are no whales or any other marine life within 100 miles of the spill, those hippy nuts from Greenpeace sail out in droves with their protest signs and bongs to cause their usual annoying chaos. Suddenly James Bond is unwittingly thrust into the most dangerous assignment of his career, and even he, one who is usually so calm and collected, is starting to feel the pressure.

For Your Fries Only – Bond quits the Secret Service in disgust when he discovers that many of his peers are accepting bribes. He pursues his life long dream, to work at the local McDonalds restaurant. In just a few weeks Bond is promoted from toilet scrubber to front counter, and finds himself tackling with a sinister customer, one who wants change for a $100 note. In this action thriller the excitement never stops, its a true roller coaster rider from start to finish that never pales.

Pretty horrible stuff hey? This I why I urge Bond fans and would-be screenplay writers to continue with there fan-fiction pieces, its up to these people to give the official writers good ideas to steal shamelessly, its up to these people to keep the dream alive. People like Craig Stewart with his brilliant story ‘Diamond Cut Diamond’ * are serving a glorious and very necessary purpose. But they can’t do it alone. So hop over the Fan-Fiction forum right here at CommanderBond.net, and produce a Bond adventure, let your creative juices flow, for the sake of 007s future.

Until next time,

Freemo

Dial M for M

Having seen all of the Bond films numerous times I have recently developed a theory, a theory that you may find shocking and disturbing. A theory that initially may be scoffed at, causing humiliation to whoever suggests it, but when you analyze the circumstances, evidence can be found, and strong evidence at that. This evidence supports what many judge as outrageous, perhaps even distressing.

My theory is that there was a double Agent inside MI6, inside the British Secret Service, who was really working for SPECTRE. Nothing out of the ordinary you may thing, but what if I told you that the agent was none other than the original ‘M’, aka Admiral Sir Miles Messervy? I know what you are thinking, how stupid is this? M was loyal to his country, to the service, he must have been!! But please, let me continue, I may just change your opinion. There is evidence to support this claim and it dates right back to the beginning…

In Doctor No M makes Bond change weaponry, from a gun he has used for “nearly 10 years”, a gun that Bond was used to, surely this is disadvantaging Bond. So what? You may be asking, but wait, there is more to come. From Russia with Love sees M send Bond into what is obviously a trap. Look at the first scenes when Blofeld is talking to Kronsteen, somehow SPECTRE knew that the British would send Bond, M was helping them out here. And what about Thunderball, M originally has Bond going far away from the Bahamas, where Largo actually is. Why would M keep Bond, who he acknowledges in this film as amoung the best, away from where SPECTRE are. Of course when Bond requests to go to the Bahamas, M cant refuse, it would look suspicious.

And then there’s OHMSS, first when M takes Bond of the assigmnet, then towards the end, where M wont let Bond go after Blofeld, who had Tracey and was demanding to be acknowledged as a Count. And don’t forget about Diamonds are Forever. M sent Bond to Holland, while Blofeld was far away living it up in the glitz and glamour Las Vegas, with Dean Martin and Sammy Davis Junior. Seems M is doing his bit to help SPECTRE out, and none of this happens when its villains other than SPECTRE, very suspicious if you ask me.

But perhaps the real telling evidence is in For Your Eyes Only. Bond finally kill Blofeld, dropping him off a helicopter into a smoke stack. With Blofeld dead SPECTRE is no more, and guess what? In the very next scene Moneypenny informs Bond that M is on leave. If my hunch is correct, this was just M’s cover, M has now lost his employer in Blofeld, and has gone to find a new employer, allowing him to continue to spy on the British and sabotage missions for his new employer. (Was Miss Moneypenny in on M’s dealings? Perhaps she used her knowledge to blackmail M into getting rid of his new secretary Miss Smallbone after Octopussy. How else could she hold the job for 27 years, when we rarely actually see her do any work? I mean, she keeps make up in the filing cabinet).

A suggestion that he now has shifted from SPECTRE to the KGB can be supported by his newfound friendliness towards General Gogal, who seems to appear more and more during this time. Perhaps the Minister of Defence was geeting sus, he seems to hang around M at briefings alot more during this time. Finally in Licence to Kill, in one last sabotage attempt, M accepts Bonds resignation without giving it the fight that you would expect from a boss for his most successful employer. Now there is one piece left of the puzzle, why M doesn’t feature after Licence to Kill. The answer is simple; he was caught and executed (or at least beaten severly with a two by four) by the British for his Double Agent crimes.

So there you have it, a theory that on the surface seems illogical and impossible, but when you dig below the surface, you find evidence. Perhaps inconclusive, perhaps coincidental , but still evidence, from six different films that all point to something that you just can’t ignore, the possibility that M was a double agent.

Until next time,

Freemo

A Cat Named Blofeld

James Bond is an invincible agent. He can save the world, drive the slickest cars, regularly get a nine at baccarat, sleep with dozens of women and beat even the strongest of hat throwing henchman all before lunch and a bottle of Dom Periogn ’53. The only difficulty that the tuxedo clad one faces is Blofeld. every time you work out what Blofeld looks likes, he changes his appearance to something completely different, damn he’s sneaky, that Blofeld. If Bond saw him down the street, he probably would have a clue who he was, except for the cat, which is a dead giveaway. The cats appearance never changes, which brings me to my next discovery, now here me out on this one, it sounds a little far fetched but I can support my ramblings with hard, undeniable facts. Maybe the cat is actually Blofeld, yes the Cat is the one who is ‘Blofeld’ and he just has alot of owners, I mean how can all those unusual chaps we see with that cat be the same person. It could be very possible that the cat is infact the mastermind behind SPECTRE. Maybe he uses the owners for cover, or maybe it was the only way he could be taken seriously, I mean, a cat holding the world to ransom wouldn’t quite work now would it, it seems to lack something. If this is true, if the Cat is the real mastermind, lets go though the different owners in an attempt to conjure up a bit of evidence.

Owner #1 – From Russia with Love and Thunderball

The first owner, seen (or to put it better, not seen) in From Russia in Love and Thunderball, was an excellent choice for the cats first selection. My theory here, and for the others which I’ll mention soon, is that the cats manipulates and possesses the owner (hypnotises him perhaps?), making him say what the cats want to, and deliver the cats plan to the SPECTRE members. The Cat, who I will refer to as Blofeld from here on is the real mastermind behind SPECTRE, the person petting him is little more than a pawn in Blofelds plan if you will. Unfortunately, it would appear that Owner #1 was allergic to cats and developed a horrible rash, this would explain why he is hesitant to reveal his face, because that cat has made him quite unpleasant to look at.

Owner #2 – You Only Live Twice

Obviously, this fiasco would have forced Blofeld the cat to cut his ties with Owner #1 and move to someone new, this time Owner #2, the villain of You Only Live Twice. Despite being a midget with a wimpy voice, Owner #2 looks and acts like a hard person to control, which could have lead to Blofeld the cat getting into a fight with him and maybe scratching him and hence the scar that we see for the one and only time in YOLT.

This cat was quite the professional when it comes to the acts of terrorism, extortion and all the other letters in the word SPECTRE. He came up with the volcano lair among other things. But he was less adept, when it came to selecting owners. Owner #2 and Owner #3 (OHMSS) also suffered from allergies and developed a serve case of cranium exposeious, or in laymans terms, baldness. This would explain the bald villain after the one with hair wee see in the first films.

Owner #3 – OHMSS

I imagine Blofeld the Cat is sophisticated if nothing else, being bald wasn’t good for his image. This was the late sixties and teh general public had become very wary of bald people, at best they were considered less than impressive. Not even flairs, peace signs, hula hoops or drugs (which were all apparently very popular back in the sixties) could make a bald man appealing. This defiantly wasn’t the message Blofeld the Cat wanted to send out. Things got worse when Owner #3 developed neck problems in a bobsled accident, so it seemed that things were pointing to another change in owners.

Owner #4 – Diamonds Are Forever

This time, Blofeld went more British and stylish, in the form of Owner #4 for Diamonds Are Forever. The relation was going pretty well, no hair loss, no tension, they were living up in Wilard Whytes pent house and they were both quite content. Until after a New Years party and quite a few “beverages”, Blofeld the Cat knocked up his missus (got her pregnant). A young kitten was born (Blofeld Jr?) and Blofeld was keen to introduce his young son to the family business. This explains why he had doubles of his owner made, so that Blofeld Jr. could have an owner too…

Owner #5 – For Your Eyes Only

Once again, Blofelds mission failed, this was four times now and Blofeld did a lot of soul searching. Was he really up to this villain game? Or was he just a cat way out of his depth? Blofeld became depressed and took up drinking. One day, filthy shaven, hung over lying in a gutter in Atlantic city with an empty wallet and missing his pants, Blofeld decided it was time for revenge, revenge on Bond. His last ditch effort can be seen in the pretitle scene of For Your Eyes Only. The bald man dies, dropped in a smoke stack of all thing, but that cat got away, to fight another day perhaps?

Okay, so the whole theory is a little unbelieveable, but don’t call me crazy (I prefer eccentric), The evidence fits, evidence that you can’t ignore, its all there above in black and white, why else would the cat have been there during all those missions. The cat is the mastermind, the villian to end all villians, the cat has to be Blofeld. Don’t tell me its unrealistic, this a world with Aston Martins that have ejector seats and parents who name their offspring ‘Pussy’ and ‘Plenty’, a cat craving world domination instead of a can of Whiskas is nothing out of the ordinary. The cat just has to be Blofeld, and if that cat is Blofeld, could he be secretly planning another mission as we speak?

Until next time,

Freemo

The 007 Deadly Sins

Hello! I’m Freemo, and this is the first of my new article series which you can read here at CBn every second Friday until I get the sack. For my first article there’s something which has been troubling me that I must share with you. Now I don’t pretend to the worlds most talented writer, and I don’t pretend to the worlds most knowledgeable Bond fan, but I do pretend to be smart, and in my fictional wisdom I’ve discovered that I have a message to send to you, the people. We should all consider ourselves blessed to be Bond fans, fortunate to have seen the light; we should consider ourselves to be very lucky indeed. But sadly, its come to my attention that there are some people out there giving Bond fans a bad name. They are guilty of ‘The 007 Deadly Sins’, abusing the magnificent thing that it’s the James Bond series without thinking twice. Thankfully for the rest of us, it’s not too late. Below is the list of sins, read them, re-read them, go over them carefully and make sure that you know them. If you are guilty of one or more of the sins take a good hard look in the mirror and make an effort to redeem yourself, to try and lead a better life.

Gluttony: You spend so much on popcorn and soda at the premier of The World is Not Enough that you don’t have any money left for a ticket. You consider trying to sell some of the popcorn to recuperate enough moolah to get a seat, but you soon dismiss this idea, unable to bear parting with any of your large boxes.

Vanity: Despite the fact that you are only watching a Bond film, not starring in one, you still insist on wearing a tuxedo and keeping your hair perfectly in place. You’d die for one of Roger Moore’s safari suits, but you wouldn’t be caught dead wearing George Lazenby’s kilt.

Sloth: You’ve been watching only A View to A Kill over and over for weeks because you’ve too lazy to go off the couch to change videos. You’re desperate to ring up a friend and asking them to come over and put Goldfinger on for you, but the phone is too far away.

Lust: You know the DVD scene selection numbers for the sections of the Octopussy that featuring the “Island populated exclusively by women” of by heart, but your favourite film is Thunderball because of Domino’s bikini fashion show, pity its no her on screen for the whole two hours though.

Anger: You have to buy several new Nintendo controllers every week because you keep smashing them against the wall in fits of rage when you lose a life playing GoldenEye 64. When playing multiplayer, your friends always let you win, fearing that they will be subjected to severe, brutal, physical beatings if you lose.

Greed: You travel around the world, buying out all the First Editions of Casino Royale, denying other Bond novel collectors there chance to get it. At home, you turn the couch over and hide behind it with your prized possessions, aiming a shotgun at the front door 24 hours a day in an attempt to guard your precious Casino Royale’s and keep them all to yourself.

Envy: You have most of the Bond videos on video and you think you’re pretty special, but you soon become jealous beyond belief when it turns out your next-door neighbour has the whole set on DVD, plus a widescreen television with surround sound to boot. When he has it turned on late at night, you peek though his window hoping to catch a glimpse of Bond at his best.

There you have it. If you notice any of your friends committing these outrageous sins, just quietly take them aside and give them a good slap in the face. And you yourself have been guilty of these offences then shame on you, its time to mend your ways, consult your doctor if necessary.

Until next time,

Freemo