1. A Cat Named Blofeld

    By Luke Freeman on 2002-02-22

    James Bond is an invincible agent. He can save the world, drive the slickest cars, regularly get a nine at baccarat, sleep with dozens of women and beat even the strongest of hat throwing henchman all before lunch and a bottle of Dom Periogn ’53. The only difficulty that the tuxedo clad one faces is Blofeld. every time you work out what Blofeld looks likes, he changes his appearance to something completely different, damn he’s sneaky, that Blofeld. If Bond saw him down the street, he probably would have a clue who he was, except for the cat, which is a dead giveaway. The cats appearance never changes, which brings me to my next discovery, now here me out on this one, it sounds a little far fetched but I can support my ramblings with hard, undeniable facts. Maybe the cat is actually Blofeld, yes the Cat is the one who is ‘Blofeld’ and he just has alot of owners, I mean how can all those unusual chaps we see with that cat be the same person. It could be very possible that the cat is infact the mastermind behind SPECTRE. Maybe he uses the owners for cover, or maybe it was the only way he could be taken seriously, I mean, a cat holding the world to ransom wouldn’t quite work now would it, it seems to lack something. If this is true, if the Cat is the real mastermind, lets go though the different owners in an attempt to conjure up a bit of evidence.

    Owner #1 – From Russia with Love and Thunderball

    The first owner, seen (or to put it better, not seen) in From Russia in Love and Thunderball, was an excellent choice for the cats first selection. My theory here, and for the others which I’ll mention soon, is that the cats manipulates and possesses the owner (hypnotises him perhaps?), making him say what the cats want to, and deliver the cats plan to the SPECTRE members. The Cat, who I will refer to as Blofeld from here on is the real mastermind behind SPECTRE, the person petting him is little more than a pawn in Blofelds plan if you will. Unfortunately, it would appear that Owner #1 was allergic to cats and developed a horrible rash, this would explain why he is hesitant to reveal his face, because that cat has made him quite unpleasant to look at.

    Owner #2 – You Only Live Twice

    Obviously, this fiasco would have forced Blofeld the cat to cut his ties with Owner #1 and move to someone new, this time Owner #2, the villain of You Only Live Twice. Despite being a midget with a wimpy voice, Owner #2 looks and acts like a hard person to control, which could have lead to Blofeld the cat getting into a fight with him and maybe scratching him and hence the scar that we see for the one and only time in YOLT.

    This cat was quite the professional when it comes to the acts of terrorism, extortion and all the other letters in the word SPECTRE. He came up with the volcano lair among other things. But he was less adept, when it came to selecting owners. Owner #2 and Owner #3 (OHMSS) also suffered from allergies and developed a serve case of cranium exposeious, or in laymans terms, baldness. This would explain the bald villain after the one with hair wee see in the first films.

    Owner #3 – OHMSS

    I imagine Blofeld the Cat is sophisticated if nothing else, being bald wasn’t good for his image. This was the late sixties and teh general public had become very wary of bald people, at best they were considered less than impressive. Not even flairs, peace signs, hula hoops or drugs (which were all apparently very popular back in the sixties) could make a bald man appealing. This defiantly wasn’t the message Blofeld the Cat wanted to send out. Things got worse when Owner #3 developed neck problems in a bobsled accident, so it seemed that things were pointing to another change in owners.

    Owner #4 – Diamonds Are Forever

    This time, Blofeld went more British and stylish, in the form of Owner #4 for Diamonds Are Forever. The relation was going pretty well, no hair loss, no tension, they were living up in Wilard Whytes pent house and they were both quite content. Until after a New Years party and quite a few “beverages”, Blofeld the Cat knocked up his missus (got her pregnant). A young kitten was born (Blofeld Jr?) and Blofeld was keen to introduce his young son to the family business. This explains why he had doubles of his owner made, so that Blofeld Jr. could have an owner too…

    Owner #5 – For Your Eyes Only

    Once again, Blofelds mission failed, this was four times now and Blofeld did a lot of soul searching. Was he really up to this villain game? Or was he just a cat way out of his depth? Blofeld became depressed and took up drinking. One day, filthy shaven, hung over lying in a gutter in Atlantic city with an empty wallet and missing his pants, Blofeld decided it was time for revenge, revenge on Bond. His last ditch effort can be seen in the pretitle scene of For Your Eyes Only. The bald man dies, dropped in a smoke stack of all thing, but that cat got away, to fight another day perhaps?

    Okay, so the whole theory is a little unbelieveable, but don’t call me crazy (I prefer eccentric), The evidence fits, evidence that you can’t ignore, its all there above in black and white, why else would the cat have been there during all those missions. The cat is the mastermind, the villian to end all villians, the cat has to be Blofeld. Don’t tell me its unrealistic, this a world with Aston Martins that have ejector seats and parents who name their offspring ‘Pussy’ and ‘Plenty’, a cat craving world domination instead of a can of Whiskas is nothing out of the ordinary. The cat just has to be Blofeld, and if that cat is Blofeld, could he be secretly planning another mission as we speak?

    Until next time,