1. Nightmare Bond Films

    By Luke Freeman on 2002-03-22

    Practically all the 007 novels of Ian Fleming have been turned into films, but no more books doesn’t mean there are any plans to stop making James Bond movies, not while Pierce Brosnan continues to make gazillions of dollars in the box office. But what it does mean is that the producers and writers of new Bond films now have to come up with their own ideas. And that can be tough, coming up with something new and different, but maintaining quality and that classic Bond feel. But what if those involved develop writers block (a great cure for writers cramp by the way) and get into a bit of trouble? They could find themselves scrapping the bottom of the barrel and using any material they come up with merely to keep churning out more 007 blockbusters. Well, for your enjoyment, Today we are going to dig in deep and look at the bottom of the barrel, the Bond films we hope we never see, the type of films that Bond fans have nightmare about. If you thought Casino Royale and Never Say Never Again were stinkers, well you were right, but they’re potential Oscar winners when compared with these Nightmare Bond Film ideas.

    Croctopussy – A furious M sends Bond to the Australian outback to investigate rumors suggesting that Kevin McClory is hiding out in an old shack somewhere in the bush, plotting a scheme to steal property from EON Productions. When Bond arrives in the land downunder he teams up with Crocodile Dundee (Paul Hogan), but not everything is how it seems in the outback. The kookaburras are laughing just a bit too loudly, and things are looking quite suspicious, perhaps a bit too suspicious. Have Bond and Dundee finally met their match?

    You Only Live Rice – When 007 realises that he hasn’t paid his taxes in six years, he flees to China and hides out in a fortune cookie factory, where he gets a job writing the fortunes. But Bond soon discovers that the fortune cookie production is a front, a front for something far more sinister, and when James Bond comes face to face with the mastermind behind the operation, he will be in for the shock of his life.

    The Spy Who Loved Me, Then Two Timed, With My Sister – Two Russian agent sisters discover that Bond ‘got busy’ with both of them during the same week. They devise a plan to assassinate the star of secret agents, and blow up his flat in London. But thankfully Bond was out at the time, getting lucky with the mother of the two agents. But all this does is fuel the fire, the tension heats up, and Bond soon finds that two against one is not a fair match up.

    A View to a Spill – A tanker taking Oil from a rig to the main land has an accident and spills some of its black gold. Despite the fact that their are no whales or any other marine life within 100 miles of the spill, those hippy nuts from Greenpeace sail out in droves with their protest signs and bongs to cause their usual annoying chaos. Suddenly James Bond is unwittingly thrust into the most dangerous assignment of his career, and even he, one who is usually so calm and collected, is starting to feel the pressure.

    For Your Fries Only – Bond quits the Secret Service in disgust when he discovers that many of his peers are accepting bribes. He pursues his life long dream, to work at the local McDonalds restaurant. In just a few weeks Bond is promoted from toilet scrubber to front counter, and finds himself tackling with a sinister customer, one who wants change for a $100 note. In this action thriller the excitement never stops, its a true roller coaster rider from start to finish that never pales.

    Pretty horrible stuff hey? This I why I urge Bond fans and would-be screenplay writers to continue with there fan-fiction pieces, its up to these people to give the official writers good ideas to steal shamelessly, its up to these people to keep the dream alive. People like Craig Stewart with his brilliant story ‘Diamond Cut Diamond’ * are serving a glorious and very necessary purpose. But they can’t do it alone. So hop over the Fan-Fiction forum right here at, and produce a Bond adventure, let your creative juices flow, for the sake of 007s future.

    Until next time,