Hello! I’m Freemo, and this is the first of my new article series which you can read here at CBn every second Friday until I get the sack. For my first article there’s something which has been troubling me that I must share with you. Now I don’t pretend to the worlds most talented writer, and I don’t pretend to the worlds most knowledgeable Bond fan, but I do pretend to be smart, and in my fictional wisdom I’ve discovered that I have a message to send to you, the people. We should all consider ourselves blessed to be Bond fans, fortunate to have seen the light; we should consider ourselves to be very lucky indeed. But sadly, its come to my attention that there are some people out there giving Bond fans a bad name. They are guilty of ‘The 007 Deadly Sins’, abusing the magnificent thing that it’s the James Bond series without thinking twice. Thankfully for the rest of us, it’s not too late. Below is the list of sins, read them, re-read them, go over them carefully and make sure that you know them. If you are guilty of one or more of the sins take a good hard look in the mirror and make an effort to redeem yourself, to try and lead a better life.
Gluttony: You spend so much on popcorn and soda at the premier of The World is Not Enough that you don’t have any money left for a ticket. You consider trying to sell some of the popcorn to recuperate enough moolah to get a seat, but you soon dismiss this idea, unable to bear parting with any of your large boxes.
Vanity: Despite the fact that you are only watching a Bond film, not starring in one, you still insist on wearing a tuxedo and keeping your hair perfectly in place. You’d die for one of Roger Moore’s safari suits, but you wouldn’t be caught dead wearing George Lazenby’s kilt.
Sloth: You’ve been watching only A View to A Kill over and over for weeks because you’ve too lazy to go off the couch to change videos. You’re desperate to ring up a friend and asking them to come over and put Goldfinger on for you, but the phone is too far away.
Lust: You know the DVD scene selection numbers for the sections of the Octopussy that featuring the “Island populated exclusively by women” of by heart, but your favourite film is Thunderball because of Domino’s bikini fashion show, pity its no her on screen for the whole two hours though.
Anger: You have to buy several new Nintendo controllers every week because you keep smashing them against the wall in fits of rage when you lose a life playing GoldenEye 64. When playing multiplayer, your friends always let you win, fearing that they will be subjected to severe, brutal, physical beatings if you lose.
Greed: You travel around the world, buying out all the First Editions of Casino Royale, denying other Bond novel collectors there chance to get it. At home, you turn the couch over and hide behind it with your prized possessions, aiming a shotgun at the front door 24 hours a day in an attempt to guard your precious Casino Royale’s and keep them all to yourself.
Envy: You have most of the Bond videos on video and you think you’re pretty special, but you soon become jealous beyond belief when it turns out your next-door neighbour has the whole set on DVD, plus a widescreen television with surround sound to boot. When he has it turned on late at night, you peek though his window hoping to catch a glimpse of Bond at his best.
There you have it. If you notice any of your friends committing these outrageous sins, just quietly take them aside and give them a good slap in the face. And you yourself have been guilty of these offences then shame on you, its time to mend your ways, consult your doctor if necessary.
Until next time,