Bond on the Dance Floor

Five men have worn the James Bond tuxedo with pride and distinction over the last forty years. And over this time Bond experts and wannabes alike have argued constantly over which one is the best. Ofcourse it wasn’t much of an argument back in the mid-sixties, back when Connery was the only Bond and smoking was still good for you. But when Lazenby came and when, and Moore burst onto the scene, the citizens of the world were divided forever, and they continue to be divided, with Dalton and Brosnan in recent times putting their hand up as candidates for “Best James Bond”.

It saddens me to say it, but after forty years the arguments are getting tired. No one has managed to convince anyone to defect, to change his or her mind on who the “Best” Bond is. Countless polls have been taken, but all the people who don’t have a clue just say “Connery”, and Pierce Brosnan keeps rigging the votes. Truth is, there is no way to determine who is the “Best” Bond because the title “Best” on its own is too subjective. Best at what ? Best at delivering witty lines, best at love scenes, best bumper car driver, the title “Best” is too hard to define, and that is why the Best Bond award can never be given out.

But there is a title that can be awarded to one of the five actors, the title of “Best Dancer”. Yes, “which Bond is the best dancer?” an age old question that has been debated for generations. Now this is a question that can be resolved, no, will be resolved, right here today. You readers should consider yourselves very fortunate indeed to witness this one in a lifetime event, of which you may only see once in your live.

There wasn’t allot of dancing in Doctor No, especially after Professor Dent’s tap dancing number was cut out shortly before release. The history of Bond dancing can be probably be traced back to the gypsy dancer in the following Bond film, From Russia in Love. Ofcourse Bond himself getting on the dance floor didn’t happen until a couple of years later in Thunderball, where he dances with Fiona Volpe at the Kiss Kiss Club. It was only for one song, and Fiona got shot before the dance was finished, but it was an instant success, and this little taste of Bond dancing was enough to whip audiences into a frenzy. People went back to the theatres again and again to watch Bond dance, hence why Thuderball is the most successful of the Bonds in terms of ticket sales.

After the success there it looked like dancing may become a regular feature of the Bond films, as much a part of the formula as the girls, the guns and the gadgets, but sadly it wasn’t to be. Roger Moore took over the role and since he uses a stunt man for pretty much everything, the producers decided Bond would dance no more. Any scenes with Bond grooving were given to other characters, which explains those people dancing with glee during the funeral in Live and Let Die (and why Bond doesn’t appear in the pretitle scene of that film). Imagine how much better The Man with the Golden Gun would have been if Bond had done the dance scene instead of the dancer with the bullet in her belly button. When it was first declared that Bond’s dancing and prancing days were over, fans were furious, many boycotting The Man with the Golden Gun in protest (hence why it’s one of the least successful Bond films). But after that it was accepted that while Moore was a great Bond, he wasn’t a great dancer, and eventually dancing in Bond films was pretty much forgotten.

When Timothy Dalton took over, dancing was slowly eased back into the pictures. There was some dancing during Felix and Della’s wedding in Licence to Kill and subtle grooving touches in both The Living Daylights and Licence to Kill. This was to prepare fans for the 17th Bond adventure set for release in 1991, which, as I’m told from a very reliable source, was going to be an all out musical, with singing and dancing by all the characters, the works. But then all the legal hassles started and the plans for the musical Bond film were put on the shelf. When Bond returned in 1995, we were treated to Pierce Brosnan in GoldenEye, but sadly the production of the musical Bond film was never resumed.

Now that you know the history of Bond on the dance floor, you can get an appreictaion of just what this award mean, what it symbolises, what it stands for. But when it comes to judging which Bond should be crowned best dancer, it’s really only a one horse race. You see, because of his haircut, Timothy Dalton is the only Bond that one can picture in a Saturday Night Fever pose, and frankly, that’s enough for me to judge him the winner of this prestigious honour.

Three cheers for Timothy Dalton.

Until next time,

Freemo

Surfing for 007

Hello once again surfers, boogie borders and beach bums alike. Get out your swimmers, slap on some sunscreen, pack the picnic basket, dust off your surfboard and head frantically for the beach. Why? Because today we’re going surfing. Now if you’ve gotten out all that beach equipment like I told you to, then put it all back, because we’re not going to do that type of surfing, this is internet surfing. Since this is a 007 site I am apparently obligated to make my articles somewhat James Bond related (damn, there goes the pig shooting piece I was planning), so ofcourse the object to todays surfing will be to find the best of Bond on the net. Now touring all the Bond tribute pages, reading all the reviews, looking at the same pictures that the sites all stole from eachother (God bless the right mouse button) would take far, far too long. Instead, I’m going to give you a guided tour of the sorts of Bond related things you can by buy the world wide web, so get your credit cards ready, because we’re going shopping. Here a few must have items for your 007 collection…

007 Action Figures – Bond action figures are, for some unknown reason, very popular among 007 collectors. I can’t figure out why exactly, because from what I’ve seen the figures barely resemble the character they are supposed to be, have crappy accessories, and they have a nasty, cheap, rushed, knockoff feel about them. Certainly they can’t compete with the glossy, rich, Batman figures and such. I’ve hardly seen Bond figures for sale at stores, the internet seems to be the place to buy them and then show off about your collection. But unfourtunately I found no official Bond action figure site, therefore no way for fans to offer ideas about new action figures. My ideas for new action figures include a Roger Moore figure with “judo chop” action, and a Rosa Kleeb that comes with those famous thick rimmed glasses. But sadly, my innovative suggestions are destined never to be read.

007 Lunch Box – All you kids out there can soon be the envy of your schoolyard chums with an authentic 007 lunch box. A yellow, breakable piece of plastic with a mediocre handle and a Bond related sticker slapped on the front in an attempt to justify the $15 price tag. But as usual with Bond related goodies, its not exclusive to the kiddies, adults are more than welcome to join the party. Imagine strolling into your next board meeting, your briefcase in one hand and your plastic 007 lunchbox in the other, a first class ticket to a promotion if you ask me.

007 Illegally Imported DVD Collection – Why pay up to $300 for the entire James Bond DVD collection with crisp, clear picture, numerous extras, individual disks, and three glossy collector boxes, when you can hop onto the internet and get hold of an illegal knockoff of the whole set crammed on five disks for 50 bucks? I ask you, who wants quality when instead you can support those illegal Japanese sweat shops? For just $50 you get the full collection on five disk, in a single case with dodgy, second hand cover art and all the text in a Foreign Language. If your lucky, some of the films will come with English subtitles, and as for the ones that don’t, well I’ve always thought that not being able to understand what’s being said adds to the fun. If your bid is successful, don’t be suprised if the seller wants to do the trade “at midnight outside the docks”.

007 Rubber Bands – I kid you not ladies and gentlemen, I kid you not. Official James Bond rubber bands, suitable for all your rubber band related needs. How did these come to be? Well, you see, back in the sixties they had no shame, and the James Bond cash cow was milked for all she was worth, and was subsequently bone dry for most of the early seventies. Rubber bands weren’t the only unsuspecting item to have a 007 logo planted on them. Vodka, toy cars, shirts, shorts, underpants, pens, clocks, puzzles, even spoons got the same treatment. Ofcourse with official items comes the dodgy, shameless rip offs, and the market was flooded with crappy products starring Agent 0007, Agent 0077, Agent 707, and last but not least, Agent 747.

007 Fake Autographs – Fake signatures seem to the be the collectable of the new millennium, and are perhaps becoming more sort after than real signatures. It’s become a real talking point about how people are selling autographs of Desmond Llewelyn and Bernard Lee on products that weren’t made until after their passing. Then there’s posters signed by actors who weren’t even in the film in question. Only on the internet could you get a DAD poster signed by the entire cast and Michelle Yeoh. That’s right, now actors don’t have to be in the particular film to sign a poster, there just has to be a rumour of them being in it at some stage, any stage. The more I think about, the more I feel that fake signatures are the way to go, you should make it your mission in life to have fake signatures of all five Bonds, I know I have.

It’s a wonder virtual world out there, endless avenues to explore, and this is just the merchandising side. One feels that we haven’t even touched the surface of 007’s presence on the internet as a whole. But no matter how much Bond there is on the world wide web, it’s not enough. So sign up for some allocated web space, steal some programming books from your local library, and create your own webpage shrine to 007, so that you can add to the joy that people get, when they are surfing for 007.

Until next time,

Freemo

Unsolved Mysteries

There are Unsolved Mysteries out there in the Bond universe, questions that have plauged Bond historians for generations. Mysteries of characters, events and all sorts of things, things from the world of 007 that don’t look quite right. Many have tried to put answers to these questions, and many have succeeded. Today, we are going grab our spade and bucket, and dig deep into the proverbial sandpit that is the James Bond universe. Our quest? To investigate some of these points of confusion within the Bond films and hopefully solve the riddles once and for more. If all goes to plan, we shall succeed where many others have also succeded. So hold your noses folks, we’re going in.

1 – Where do the villains get their employees / henchpersons?

Some of the films main villains have a small army of guards and guard related staff, along with the usualy henchman with an adnormality ofcourse. The first Unsolved Mystery of today is just where do the Criminal masterminds get these people from? Do they advertise in the newspaper? I can picture it now.. “Wanted, potential Guards and/or Strongmen to aid in destroying the world, must have exprience, must be prepared to work night shifts”. Somehow I don’t think that can be it, I never see these ads. And in any case who would want to work for a super villain? Blofeld did some terrible things to his employees when they made mistakes, one got kicked with a posion tipped shoe, another got the electric chair, one got to go to “sleep with the fishes” only the ‘fishes’ in question were in fact piranhas. These punishments were for honest mistakes like a typing error or failing to kill James Bond. Though despite his harsh work policies Blofeld never ran out of willing helpers, either he pays well or his employees aren’t with a Union.

2 – What sort of parents would name their children ‘Pussy’ or ‘Plenty’?

Not many people seem to notice this, and thus this question has remained unasked for quite a long time. Sure those sexually suggestive yet slightly implassable names provide a good laugh, but Isn’t anyone curious as to what Mr and Mrs O’ Toole were smoking when they named their daughter ‘Plenty’? Is it a traditional family name perhaps? ‘Named after her father perhaps’ thats what Bond asked at the casino. What aspirations did the Galore’s had when they named their daughter Pussy? Did they have a pilot in mind? I doubt it. It must be terrible for these women to have names that raise amusement everytime they introduce themselves. Some parents really are cruel to their children. I know my parents would never do such a thing to me, my sister Amy, or my brother Yabba Dabba Doo.

3 – Isn’t it abit too coincidental that his name is GOLDfinger and he’s obsesed with GOLD?

Hmmm, this is an interesting one that seens to go unnoticed amoungst fans, but the answer to it is no. I don’t think its too much to swallow that his name happens to be ‘Goldfinger’ and the key to his passion is Gold, I find that quite reasonable. But of course, if he were obsesed with fingers then that would be a different matter altogether.

4 – How come Bond in free fall catches up with the plane in the GoldenEye opening?

Many upon many people have critized this and complained about it. People seem to cringe when they see it. “How could Bond catch up with the plane?” they ask in their whinging nitpicking voices. I feel like telling them its only a movie and that they should get a life or a girlfriend or something like that, but, I will admit, it is a legitimate question. My first method of reasoning is that its a plane, it was build for the persific purpose of staying up in the air, thats the sole point of its existence. Its has these huge wings to create wind resistance, Bond doesn’t. My second and prefered method of reasoning is ‘Its just a movie, get over it”, also, its hardly the most immplasuable thing that’s happened in a Bond film, now is it?

5 – What happens to the Bond girl after the end of the movie?

Perhaps the greatest unsolved mystery of them all. Where does the girl who finishes up in Bonds arms at the end of the movie go? There is never any mention of her in the next movie, no indication that Bond broke off the relationship. In quite a few of the films Bond and the girl seem to get very close indeed, certainly without any indication that their relationship will end like so many of Bonds have. Maybe Bond has all his conquests locked up in his basement. That would explain why they never comeback to say hello or to demand child support for the baby they claim is his. Surely Bond would have landed one of these beauties pregnant by now. We never see anything to suggest condoms are used and even then they are only work 97% of the time. There would no doubt be a dozen or so James Bond Juniors running around, unless he’s infertile, but that is another unsolved mystery for another day.

6 – How come Bond and Blofeld don’t recongzine eachother in OHMSS?

Many will remember that Bond and Blofeld first met in You Only Live Twice. But in the next film, On Her Majesty’s Secret Service Bond and Blofeld don’t recongzine eachother, and the fact that their was an actor changer for both Bond and Blofeld is not an excuse. Actually one can sort of solve this one easily, its because in the novel series OHMSS takes place before YOLT, as opposed to the series where YOLT was first. How two people can met for ‘the first time’ twice is still quite a mystery though.

Well that’s plenty of mysteries to keep you lying awake at night for weeks, you can crawl out of the sand pit and dust yourself off now, be careful not to knock over the sand castle. You’ve probably learnt absolutly nothing from the four minutes you spent reading this. The world of 007 is a world of secrets, suspense and intrigue, and we have only really touched the sandy surface of this mysterious, uncharted land. Perhaps I’ll have to do a sequal one of these days, Unsolved Mysteries II, to dig up the whole truth.

Until next time,

Freemo

Never Before Seen Detail of Bond's Aston Martin

Mister Asterix has just sent in this image straight from Pinewood Studio's… Well, maybe not. But it's a good laugh anyway!

Sean Connery vs Roger Moore

Whatever happened to the classic one-on-one battles, arch nemesis’s, traditional rivals? Whatever happened to those memorable, blood thirsty, show no mercy rivalries that divided a nation? Coke vs Pepsi, Nintendo vs Sega, Sean Connery vs Roger Moore? In the good old 80’s everyone had their favorite from each, in fact your preference in these rivalries went a long way to defining who you were. Whatever happened to these days? I miss them. Sure these classic rivalries still exist to some extent, but they are merely shadows of their former selves. When asked, people have to think before they answer now, this never used to be the case. Those glory days are over, but there’s no use mourning the loss of our classic dust-ups for too long. It is time, ladies and gentlemen, to create some new rivalries, Bond related rivalries, that will define us, divide us, and spark debate in our hearts once more. And now, get ready to pick your preferences as we examine the Bond rivalries of the new millennium…

Odd Job vs Roger Moore:
The Battle of the Judo Chop Masters

The Judo Chop went out of style during the early 90’s, but became popular again a few years ago thanks to Austin Powers. The two experts of the Judo chop are undeniably Odd Job and Roger Moore, but there can only be one true master. Odd Job was the original, the one who started it all, he even managed to knock out Sean Connery. But Roger Moore made the Judo chop his own during the seventies and eighties, Judo chopping his way to stardom in seven 007 films. A strong case can be argued for both sides. Who do you pick?

Wint & Kidd vs Bambi & Thumper:
The Battle of the Tag Teams

Ah, the classic tag team, it brings a tear to your eye. For the unfamiliar a tag team is two people who, individually, wouldn’t be a threatening presence to a fly, but put them together, and for some unknown reason they become a powerful force. There are two types of tag teams, plutonic ones, and lovers. Lovers are the most dangerous, because if you set fire to one of them, the other goes nuts and try extra hard to kill you. Wint and Kidd were the latter, thet’s why they were constantly able to knock out Bond and put in traps he could easily get out of. It’s hard to tell which type of tag team Bambi and Thumper were though.

Rosie Carver vs Paris Carver:
The Battle of the Carvers

Rosie Carver, the bumbling, afro wearing, fake CIA agent who leaves the safety catch on guns, up against Paris Carver, the two-timing wife of media mogal Elliot. When you pick your preference for this battle, keep in mind that among other things, Rosie is scared of voodoo dolls with coconut heads, and hats belonging to little men who lose fights with chickens. Hardly a resume that with strike fear in the hearts of her opponents. It’s said that you should never discuss sports or politics with your barber, because a disagreement could lead to a bad haircut, well I think you should never discuss which Carver is better either, or you could end up having to wear a hat 24/7 for the next fortnight.

Sean Connery vs Roger Moore:
The Battle of the Bonds

The old classic. Some people think that this rivialry has had its day, because while they were the only two (serious) Bonds back in 1983, today things have changed. The young generation have been brought up on Pierce Brosnan, and many a novel reader mark Timothy Dalton as the pick of the crop. Personally, I don’t think this is true, Connery vs Moore still has its place in rivialry folklore. Its still the raging debate over who gets to wear the James Bond crown and be King of the 007s. Connery has a huge following for his woman slapping, macho yet sohpistical style, while Moore has many fans in his corner who gaze in awe at his eyebrow raisng, quick witted take on the role. Some polls may have Connery slightly in front, but I think that this is a battle that may never be truely resolved, a classic battle that will outlive the two actors concerned, and probably outlive us all.

Until next time,

Freemo

Garage Sale Bonding

Young married couples, yokels, kiddies who were dragged away from the cartoons by their parents, 60-year-old men who fancy themselves as bargin hunters, and cheapskates in general. These people together make the the unique group that visit Garage sales on sunny Saturday Mornings. Oh how I secretly long to be part of the select group of Garage sale Junkies, grabbing the local paper, driving around town to all the sales, and inspecting the tables and tables of junk on peoples front lawns, hoping to spot that elusive bargin worth bragging to friends about. Old board games, tables and chairs that now clash with the owners decour, tennis raquets without any string, Atari game cartriges, videos that you couldn’t give away (The Fifth Element anyone?) and merchendise for now defunct sporting teams are amoung the many treasures on offer. Stuff you can’t live without but never knew it until then, its a gold mine for those who are running short on worthless nick nacks.

One morning, I found an ad in the gararge sale section that looked to contain reasonable product, with the added bonus of being with convenient proximety to my home and thought I might as well check it out. I got to the sale around 10 am, about 4 hours after the Garage Sale junkies have come and gone, leaving me with the regular crowd of normal people to fight over the remains. Damn It!!! I wanted to see some genuine Garage sale freaks, Oh, well, maybe next time.

It wasn’t long before I began thinking about James Bond, as one tends to do when they are at a gararge sale. I thought I had spotted Rose Kleebs specs from From Russia With Love, but it turned out they were just novelty glasses. Come to think of it, I’ve never seen any 007 collectables at a garage sale, but thats probably because no-one would ever part with there beloved Bond merchendise. It then suddenly occured to me that James Bond, in neither his literery nor cinematic form, would ever find himself at a garage sale, nor associate with anyone who did (unless Blofelds next scheme involves a garage sale, but thats another story). With the most interesting item on sale being a thong (the footwear, not the other type of thong, you people sicken me!) I began to ponder this a little more.

Bond is fantasy, Bond goes to exotic locations like Jamaica, Paris, the Bahamas, India. And when he is in these spots he doesn’t go to garage sales, he goes to casinos, villains lairs, girl’s bedrooms and such and such. I’m not say there’s anything wrong with that, that’s why I like Bond. Its just that its interesting to thing about the places that you would never find our favorite British spy. Is it interesting enough to have an article dedicated soley to it? Probably not, but there I was, reflecting on the places where Goldfinger or Stromberg could have hidden without worrying about bumping into 007, and it seemed like a good idea at the time.

McDonalds – First off, the number one Scottish Clown restaraunt in the world, McDonalds. It’s hard to imagine that a man like Bond, who regularly consumes caviar, the most expense foods and the finest wines (and scrambled eggs apparently) would steer his Aston Martin into the Drive-Thru at the famous golden arches. Although Batman did it once I think, so maybe it’s not completely impossible. But since the best beverage on offer is a thick shake, Bond doesn’t get to request that his drink be “shaken, not stirred”, which would probably take all the fun out of it for old Mr Kiss Kiss Bang Bang.

Tattoo Parlour – Okay, so Mickey D’s is an easy one, but how about something along the lines of “Big Al’s Tattoo and Piercing Palour”?. A dusty, seedy dump on the lower end of town. Can’t picture Broz wandering in, pointing to a poster of a skull and saying “One of those, on the bum”? Well how about a Roger Moore scenerio? An old Roger Moore strolls in, “a tattoo if you don’t mind”. Big Al, big by both name and nature grunts, spits, looks down to old Rog and snarls “We don’t serve limey’s here”. Two huge punk guards, one with a nose ring and the other with huge snake tattoos on both arms, pick up Roger and drag him away. Everyone’s second favorite Bond raises his eyebrows and calls out “another time perhaps” as he is escorted outside where waiting for him is the beating of a life time.

Alcoholics Anonomouys – “Hello, My name is James, and I have a drinking problem” would be the cry, “Well duh!” would probably be the reply. Most people would walk of of the theatre if this scene showed up in the newest Bond adventure, personally I think it would make a very hansome pretitle scene. Bond telling his support group of how he’s made 50 days without a vodka martini, then suddenly Colonel Moon and his army come crashing in though the wall, with tanks, helicopters, the works. Bond draws his Walther PP9 ready to take them all on, but it turns out that Moon and his troops are only there because they made a wrong turn on the way to their Microwave Cooking class.

And the rest – What about a Senior citizens coach tour? “And now if you look to your left” the tour guide would say, its just a shame that Bond has already seen and jumped off all the worthwhile monuments in the world. Maybe a soccer game, a kindergarden, an insurance agency? Okay, so maybe in hindsight it’s not all that difficult to think of places where you would never see James Bond. I clearly needed a seond opinion.

I sorted the opinion of the nearest person, a man who wanted to buy a golf club and a beer coaster, but only had enough money for one. “Name one place James Bond would never go” I challenged the man.
His answer wasn’t a bad one. “A Kevin McClory Fan Club meeting” he said.
“Not a bad effort” I replied, but then remined him of the fact that its pretty unlikely you’ll find anyone there, apart a couple of lost tourists and a handful of mentally disturbed, pot smoking, hippies. Since the gentleman had tried to answer my question, it was only fair that I should attempt to solve his delemmia.
He asked me “Which should I buy, the golf club or the beer coaster?”. I told him that he should buy the golf club, that way he could knock the owner unconsious with it, and then take the beer coaster too. And he did just that, smashing the club into the back of the garage sale owners head and scampering off with the club and the coaster before anyone could get a good description. I was glad to be of help.

Until next time,

Freemo

The Three Blind Killers

“Three blind mice in a row
Three blind mice there they go
Marching down the street single file
To a calypso beat all the while
They’re looking for the cat
The cat that swallowed the rat
They want to show the cat the attitude
of three blind mice

Three blind mice here and there
Three blind mice everywhere
Searching all around for the cat
All over Kingston town pitter pat
They got the carving knife
To cut the pussycat’s life
The puss will get the knife for triflin
with three blind mice
So beware, Three blind mice
Watch your step, Three blind mice
Deadly mice”

Sorry, but I just had to put that song in, the song in the opening of Dr No, leading into our first viewing of the killers. The Three Blind Killers, unlikely assassins, ruthless professionals, the first characters to appear in the James Bond film series. The Chinese Negros, disguised as blind beggers shuffle along the dusty roads under the hit sun of Jamaica. The first begger holding a stick in front to feel his way, the second begger holding his stick to the first, and the third to the second. They don’t suggest a deadly presence, but within two minutes they have killed Strangways, his secretary and stolen the files on Crab Key and Doctor No without any trace or clue to reveal they were ever there.

The Three Blind Killers return later on in the film, hoping to also assassinate Bond, but don’t get a clear shot in. Then they disappear, they are absent from the Crab Key half of the film and are never seen again, leaving them along with Irma Burt, Baron Samedi and in a select group of Bond villians to escape punishment. But what happened to the Three Blind Killers? Yeah, some people seem to think they were in heasre that was chasing Bond and fell of the cliff to a firely demise, but sorry, that doesn’t quite cut if for me. How many films have you seen where the opening characters with their own song and everything die such an insignificant death? My theory is that, like all successful groups, they eventually split up and went their separate ways, but I’m sure that they all had revenge on their mind, revenge on Bond for the death of their manager Doctor No. For the sake of this theory, lets give the Three Killers the names Larry, Harry and Barry, and take a glance at their lives after Doctor No.

Larry – It appears that Larry was planning his solo carrer when the ‘Killers’ were still together, Larry is ofcourse also Felix Lieter. Yes, that’s right, Larry is Lieter. He used a revolutionary surgery to change his skin colour, and was perhaps the inspiration for Michael Jackson. But back then the surgary was only temporary and had to be constantly reapplied. This explains why Leiter has dark skin in Never Say Never Again, he was waiting for his next appointment with the surgeon. Larry orginally went undercover as Lieter with hopes to kill Bond, but soon abandoned his wicked ways when he found religion, and made a new life for himself on the side of good as the CIA Agent we all know. You may scoff at that initially, but I challenge you to find a better way to explain to explain the weird, twisted world of Felix Lieter.

Harry – It’s not known for certain what Harry did after the group broke up, but there are plenty of rumors. A popular anectdote is that Harry found his femmine side and became one of Octopussy’s island girls, but historians believe that he took to gambling in Cairo and is the one who Bond whacks in the opening of Diamonds Are Forever. Others claim to have spotted him in Thunderball, but this appears to be merely an urban legend not unlike the ones of Maud Adams being in A View to a Kill, or Blofeld’s cat being the real SPECTRE mastermind (I don’t know who came up with that one). Even Harry’s mother doesn’t know what because of him, but says she’s pround of her little assassin no matter what. Researchers are still devoting their lives to trying to discover what really became of Harry.

Barry – Barry’s story is perhaps, the most intriguing of the three. He was the skinny one of the Three Blind Killers, but he didn’t stay slim for long. Barry wanted to continue on as a villians henchman, so he picked up the job guides one day and spotted a vacant position working for Kananga. He put in a resume and went for an interview as you tend to do when trying to get a job as a villains henchman. Kananga had an eye for spotting henchman talent, having already picked up Baron Samedi and the dude with the hook, and he was impressed with young Barry, offering him a job, but on condition that he beffed up, gained some wieght. Barry did just that, but he soon because addictted to fried chicken and became rather overweight. He changed his name to ‘Whisper’, and kept quiet to avoid suspicion.

Garry – It is not well known, but there was indeed a fourth Blind Assasin. Garry is the driver of the getaway car used after the other three shoot Strangways. He was the apprentice and had hopes of becoming a fully fledged assassin himself. It was never to be. After the break-up Garry lost direction, trying his hand at several jobs. He the tried his luck as a solo hitman in the early 70’s, but apparently ended up with a golden bullet between his eyes, courtesy of Scaramanga, who, in his early days as a hitman, didn’t like the competition.

The Blind Killers certainly left a mark on the James Bond series, they deserve far greater than the Dr No footnote mention that many people give them. I propose that from now, June 14th shall be known as “The Three Blind Killers Day” and on this time every year, we take a moment to remember the three characters that are the unsung heros of the Bond world.

Until next time,

Freemo

Odd Job and Gilligan's Island

Did you know that Odd Job was in an episode of Gilligans Island? Ofcourse the actor Harold Sakata wasn’t playing Odd Job, but he was there, as the assistant of a Game Hunter who was trying to shoot Gilligan. Jaws, aka Richard Kiel has also been on the show, pretended to be a ghost to scare the wits out of the skipper. Frankly, that’s enough for me to devote an entire article to the show, but Bond style ofcourse. Imagine, if you will, a Gilligan’s Island type scenario featuring all our favorite Bond characters. James Bond and six of his friends take the SS Minnow on a three hour tour (a three hour tour), and end up stranded on a uncharted desert isle. Would the Bond characters get along any better than their famous television counterparts?

But to make things interesting, lets add another element to proceeding. Castaway style television shows are all the rage at the moment, and in all of them a person gets voted off by the others every week, usually for being annoying, clashing with other castaways personally, or just for having smelly socks. The last person left on the island is declared the winner and gets to enjoy all the spoils. Unfortunatly, the guys and gals at EON are probably never going to make a castaway style Bond film, and I can’t see Raymond Benson obliging and writing a Bond desert island novel, so the closest we’re going to get to finding out which character would win such a contest is right here.

For this historical event, the seven characters stranded on the tropical paradise are James Bond, Jack Wade, Goldfinger, Pussy Galore, Felix Lieter, Q and Blofeld. One person is voted off each week and the last person wins enough money to buy the island. Now the question on the lips of everyone around the world is “Who would win?”. Well, there’s not way of knowing for certain, but here’s how I rate evryones chances…

James Bond (as Gilligan): Ofcourse, our favorite British Spy would take the starring role, swapping his tuxedo and Walther PPK for some first-mate clobber and a floppy hat. At a glance, Bond appears to be the ideal candidate, strong, healthy, been in many tougher situations before, you would think he’d be a pretty good chance of winning. But on an island for weeks without any vodka martinis or cigarettes, the star of secret agents could go crazy. Perhaps his most difficult mission yet, but he’s never failed before. Odds: 3/1.

Jack Wade (as the Skipper): I know that Jack Wade, the Hawaiian shirt wearing, wife swapping, gum chewing, unprofessional CIA agent goes down in history as one of the least popular characters of the 007 film world. But he’s the only one with the required ‘carriage’ needed to pass off as the Skipper. Although perhaps in this case with would be the Skipper and not Gilligan who inadvertently ruins the rescue opportunity each week. He’s likely to be voted off early, angrying members by snoozing on his hammock when he’s supposed to be building the shelter, and frightening them by sun baking naked. Odds: 50/1.

Goldfinger (as the Millionaire): Who else but the very greedy yet extremely quotable Goldfinger could play the millionaire? We know how much capital means to the gold loving one, if he keeps his eyes on the prize he could be a real chance to take home the booty. If he can somehow sneak a few cans of gold paint on to the island then the prize money is as good as his. Some may say that lack of fitness could be a problem, but with money on the line, he’s a better chance than most. Odds: 4/1

Pussy Galore (as the Millionaires Wife): Miss Galore is an excellent pilot, which would be handy if there was a plane on the island, but there isn’t so it’s actually pretty useless when you think about. But, as we’ve seen she has an “appreciation” for both boys and girls (she bats for both teams, if you know what I mean), meaning she could get it on with anyone and everyone on the island and form some powerful Survivor style alliances. Could be a real chance. Odds: 3/1

Felix Lieter (as the Movie Star): I’ve given the movie star role to Felix Lieter in honour of all the actors who have played the chameleon of the CIA (and later DEA apparently) over the years. Played by seven different actors, we could of made a Gilligan’s Island exclusively using Felix Lieter’s. Unfortunatly, because of his frequent appearance changing, it would be difficult for him to form alliances, since the other castmates would have difficulty recognizing the poor sod. It could be “Say goodbye to Felix” very early on. Odds: 8/1.

Q (as the Professor): The hoity toity gadget master who made exploding key chains, magnet watches, armed Aston Martins and that little robotic dog would have no problem putting together a coconut radio, and possibly a coconut television as well. A value member of the team, the other castaways would probably be willing to put up with his high pitched “pay attentions” because of all the cool gadgets and gizmos he makes. The real darkhorse of the competition. Odds: 4/1.

Charles Grey’s Blofeld (as Mary Ann): Well, Blofeld did look quite convincing in drag in Diamonds Are Forever, so I think he earns the right to try and pass off as a female on the island. But since the castaway number is a maximum of seven, Blofeld would have to leave his (sorry, I mean her) beloved feline back home. Could absence from his pussy (as in cat, you people sicken me) prove a disadvantage to Blofeld? Bet on at your own risk. 9/1.

And that ladies and gentlemen, is the blueprint for an island castaway contest that would put all those television reality shows to miserable shame. For the moment we’ll just have to use our imaginations, but maybe someday, some magical day, we’ll get to see Bond style Gilligans Island on the big screen, and finally, the age old question that millions have been trying to answer for generations, “Which Bond character would win a Survivor Contest?” will finally be answered.

Until next time,

Freemo

The 007 Wonders of the World

Hello Bond fans, internet surfers and would-be holiday makers. Today you’re in for a treat, because we will be going though a wild ride, as we uncover and gaze in awe at the 007 Wonders of the World. No, I’m not taking about dust gathering, has-been places that no one cares about like the sphinx or the Wall of China, I’m talking about the real wonders of the world, the 007 wonders of the world. So load your camera, pack your suitcase, dust of that passport and head for the airport, as I give you a comprehensive guide to the best that the world has to offer.

001 – Blofeld’s Hollow Volcano: When I see the Pyramids of Egypt, the Statue of Liberty or the Leaning Tower of Pisa one word springs to mind, BORING!!! In terms of man made creations they pale into miserable insignificance when compared with Blofeld’s hollowed out volcano hideaway in You Only Live Twice. Bring plenty of film with you when you visit the volcano because you can never have too many pictures. From the metal pond that’s actually a retractable roof, to the control room of the Bald One where shutters can be opened and closed by voice command, there’s plenty of attractions to keep you happy for months.

002 – Baha, California: In 1971, Diamonds Are Forever put Baha, California on the map and the place hasn’t looked back since. When travelers think of the top destinations of the world they think New York, they think Paris, London, Rome, and they think Baha. There are some many attributes that make Baha a wonderful tourist destination that it would be a crime just to name one, so I won’t name any. You could go to a Travel Agents and check out some brochurs, but they don’t come close to doing Baha justice, you have to catch a flight and see it for yourself.

003 – Scaramanga’s Island: Tired of paying good money for a ticket into a dank, dodgy “fun” house at the carnival. Well have no fear folks, because I’ve found the ultimate fun house. Its a great place for the little ones to be entertained because its filled with wonderful cuddly characters that the kiddies will love, like Al Capone and his Gangsters. Parents out there worrying about your offspring sitting in front of the Nintendo all day getting fat and lazy, bring your young ones here. They’ll get plenty of fresh air and exercise from dodging golden bullets and running for their lives. Five Stars.

004 – San Monique: San Monique is an island in the Caribbean. Its President is Dr Kananga and the nations main export is recreational drugs. Some travelers have found San Monique a little difficult to locate, this is perhaps partly due to the fact that San Monique doesn’t really exist. Sorry to ruin the fantasy folks but the island nation was made up just for Live and Let Die. Several Bond fans have spent years standing at the airport terminal, waiting for the next flight to San Monique, I just don’t have the heart to tell them the truth and spoil their fun.

005 – Sean Connery’s Hairpiece: Undisputedly the greatest film prop in history, the hairpiece that Connery wore in his Bond films is keep in Scotland under very high security. The hairpiece is enclosed in 10 inch thick bullet proof casing surrounded by a laser force fields. Six guards, all armed to the teeth with machine guns and rocket launchers stand on either side of the toupee. The only method of entry into the room is by a metal door in which three passwords, a fingerprint scan and voice activation are required to open. All this, along with dozens of security cameras and outisde guards give an indication of just how valuable the hairpiece is.

006 – Australia: Its a “007 Wonder” because 007 has never been to Australia (in the films anyway) and people wonder why. I mean come on, even Kentucky got its day in the sun, what does the land down under have to do to get a turn? Loads of tourist come to Australia every year and most of them leave thinking “Why don’t they make a Bond film here?”. With the Sydney Opera House and all the other Aussie sights there’s plenty of opportunites for good action sequences, plus the weathers nice and there are some nude beaches too, what more could Bond want?

007 – The Smoke Stack: There are hundreds of large smoke stacks in industrial areas all around the world, but when someone says “The Smoke Stack”, everyone knows that they are referring to the one that Bond used a helicopter to drop Blofeld into during For Your Eyes Only. Sightseers come in droves to visit the area every year, some claiming that if you listen hard enough, soft wailing of the words “Nooooo Mr Booonnnnd” can be heard. Legend has it that Blofeld, his cat, and Kevin McClory are hiding within the smoke stack, working on plans for a new unofficial Bond film.

“So many wonders, where should I go first?” I can hear you asking. Well its up to you. Whatever you decide though, I’d start planning right now because bookings really do fill up fast. If your not quick you may have to be content with something like the Eiffel Tower instead of the preferred Baha, California and no one wants that to happen to them.

Thanks to Blofeld’s Cat for the idea.

Until next time,

Freemo

The Drinking Game

Normally “Freemo’s Friday” has aura of undisputable class about it. A certain high standard that readers, if any, have become accustomed to since the series began. This article, however, will put an end to that reputation. Ladies and Gentlemen, prepare to get hammered, because its time to play “The Drinking Game”, 007 style. Its not a difficult concept, gather a few friends, bring them over, get some booze and a couple of Bond videos and your set to go. For those underage who are unable to purchase alcohol and don’t have any older siblings to get it for you, try and find the key to Daddys liquor cupboard. Grade schoolers unfortunaly, will have to settle for getting high on red cordial, but the rest of you who play the game with be rewared with a hangover that will make it all worthwhile.

Now, you need to work out a set of rules that will get you “off your collective faces” as it were, but still hopefully enable you and your drunken posse to get though the whole film without too much vomiting. Its a delicate balance and one that takes great care to achieve. Here are a set of rules which I think gets the job done quite nicely…

Consume required number of drinks each time event occurs in the film.

Have 1 Drink when…

– Our hero introduces himself as “Bond, James Bond”
– Bond orders a Vodka Martini “Shaken Not Stirred”
– Bond and an attractive woman do ‘you know what’
– Bond’s card playing abilities defy the laws of probability.
– A girl wears a bikini with no intention of going swimming.
– Bond meets his contact.
– Bonds contact speaks.
– Bonds contact is killed.

Have 2 Drinks when…

– Bond throws his hat on to the stand.
– Q tells Bond to “Pay attention 007”
– M and Moneypenny make an appearance.
– Somebody wonders what they would ever do without Miss Moneypenny
– The villian is an evil ruthless man, but still shows affection towards his pet.
– The henchman does something that shows their incredible physical strengh.

Have 3 Drinks when…

– The villian reveals his plan a little prematurely.
– Bond escapes an elaborate death trap.
– Bond says goodbye to Felix Lieter.

Drink the whole bar when…

– A villian succesfully shoots Bond.

The last rule was a joke rule, made under the impression that Bond never ever gets hit, despite the hundreds of bullets that villians have shot in his direction. This is the case in most films, but there is one exception to the rule, as me and my friends were to painfully discover since Thunderball was the film we used for our first drinking game. As most of you probably know, Bond gets shot in the leg during the film when he gets away from the villians at the Mardi Gras. There was an arguement other wheather the shot was within the rule, people suggesting that the shot appeared accidental and therefore invailed, or arguing that the rule was only really in place as a joke and couldn’t really be taken seriously. But a rule is a rule, so we proceeded to drink out the entire bar.

Needless to say, all of the competetors passed out midway through the underwater climax, though many claimed it was because the underwater scenes are as boring as snot. With no one able to last the distance, we were unable to declare a winner. So all competetors agreed to return next week for a rematch. So let that be a lesson to you when playing this game, expect the unexpected. Oh, and one more thing, make sure your house isn’t the one where you play the game, otherwise it will be you who’s left to scrub the beer stains (and other stains that I won’t mention) out of the carpet.

Until next time,

Freemo