1. Unsolved Mysteries

    By Luke Freeman on 2002-07-27

    There are Unsolved Mysteries out there in the Bond universe, questions that have plauged Bond historians for generations. Mysteries of characters, events and all sorts of things, things from the world of 007 that don’t look quite right. Many have tried to put answers to these questions, and many have succeeded. Today, we are going grab our spade and bucket, and dig deep into the proverbial sandpit that is the James Bond universe. Our quest? To investigate some of these points of confusion within the Bond films and hopefully solve the riddles once and for more. If all goes to plan, we shall succeed where many others have also succeded. So hold your noses folks, we’re going in.

    1 – Where do the villains get their employees / henchpersons?

    Some of the films main villains have a small army of guards and guard related staff, along with the usualy henchman with an adnormality ofcourse. The first Unsolved Mystery of today is just where do the Criminal masterminds get these people from? Do they advertise in the newspaper? I can picture it now.. “Wanted, potential Guards and/or Strongmen to aid in destroying the world, must have exprience, must be prepared to work night shifts”. Somehow I don’t think that can be it, I never see these ads. And in any case who would want to work for a super villain? Blofeld did some terrible things to his employees when they made mistakes, one got kicked with a posion tipped shoe, another got the electric chair, one got to go to “sleep with the fishes” only the ‘fishes’ in question were in fact piranhas. These punishments were for honest mistakes like a typing error or failing to kill James Bond. Though despite his harsh work policies Blofeld never ran out of willing helpers, either he pays well or his employees aren’t with a Union.

    2 – What sort of parents would name their children ‘Pussy’ or ‘Plenty’?

    Not many people seem to notice this, and thus this question has remained unasked for quite a long time. Sure those sexually suggestive yet slightly implassable names provide a good laugh, but Isn’t anyone curious as to what Mr and Mrs O’ Toole were smoking when they named their daughter ‘Plenty’? Is it a traditional family name perhaps? ‘Named after her father perhaps’ thats what Bond asked at the casino. What aspirations did the Galore’s had when they named their daughter Pussy? Did they have a pilot in mind? I doubt it. It must be terrible for these women to have names that raise amusement everytime they introduce themselves. Some parents really are cruel to their children. I know my parents would never do such a thing to me, my sister Amy, or my brother Yabba Dabba Doo.

    3 – Isn’t it abit too coincidental that his name is GOLDfinger and he’s obsesed with GOLD?

    Hmmm, this is an interesting one that seens to go unnoticed amoungst fans, but the answer to it is no. I don’t think its too much to swallow that his name happens to be ‘Goldfinger’ and the key to his passion is Gold, I find that quite reasonable. But of course, if he were obsesed with fingers then that would be a different matter altogether.

    4 – How come Bond in free fall catches up with the plane in the GoldenEye opening?

    Many upon many people have critized this and complained about it. People seem to cringe when they see it. “How could Bond catch up with the plane?” they ask in their whinging nitpicking voices. I feel like telling them its only a movie and that they should get a life or a girlfriend or something like that, but, I will admit, it is a legitimate question. My first method of reasoning is that its a plane, it was build for the persific purpose of staying up in the air, thats the sole point of its existence. Its has these huge wings to create wind resistance, Bond doesn’t. My second and prefered method of reasoning is ‘Its just a movie, get over it”, also, its hardly the most immplasuable thing that’s happened in a Bond film, now is it?

    5 – What happens to the Bond girl after the end of the movie?

    Perhaps the greatest unsolved mystery of them all. Where does the girl who finishes up in Bonds arms at the end of the movie go? There is never any mention of her in the next movie, no indication that Bond broke off the relationship. In quite a few of the films Bond and the girl seem to get very close indeed, certainly without any indication that their relationship will end like so many of Bonds have. Maybe Bond has all his conquests locked up in his basement. That would explain why they never comeback to say hello or to demand child support for the baby they claim is his. Surely Bond would have landed one of these beauties pregnant by now. We never see anything to suggest condoms are used and even then they are only work 97% of the time. There would no doubt be a dozen or so James Bond Juniors running around, unless he’s infertile, but that is another unsolved mystery for another day.

    6 – How come Bond and Blofeld don’t recongzine eachother in OHMSS?

    Many will remember that Bond and Blofeld first met in You Only Live Twice. But in the next film, On Her Majesty’s Secret Service Bond and Blofeld don’t recongzine eachother, and the fact that their was an actor changer for both Bond and Blofeld is not an excuse. Actually one can sort of solve this one easily, its because in the novel series OHMSS takes place before YOLT, as opposed to the series where YOLT was first. How two people can met for ‘the first time’ twice is still quite a mystery though.

    Well that’s plenty of mysteries to keep you lying awake at night for weeks, you can crawl out of the sand pit and dust yourself off now, be careful not to knock over the sand castle. You’ve probably learnt absolutly nothing from the four minutes you spent reading this. The world of 007 is a world of secrets, suspense and intrigue, and we have only really touched the sandy surface of this mysterious, uncharted land. Perhaps I’ll have to do a sequal one of these days, Unsolved Mysteries II, to dig up the whole truth.

    Until next time,