1. Surfing for 007

    By Luke Freeman on 2002-08-09

    Hello once again surfers, boogie borders and beach bums alike. Get out your swimmers, slap on some sunscreen, pack the picnic basket, dust off your surfboard and head frantically for the beach. Why? Because today we’re going surfing. Now if you’ve gotten out all that beach equipment like I told you to, then put it all back, because we’re not going to do that type of surfing, this is internet surfing. Since this is a 007 site I am apparently obligated to make my articles somewhat James Bond related (damn, there goes the pig shooting piece I was planning), so ofcourse the object to todays surfing will be to find the best of Bond on the net. Now touring all the Bond tribute pages, reading all the reviews, looking at the same pictures that the sites all stole from eachother (God bless the right mouse button) would take far, far too long. Instead, I’m going to give you a guided tour of the sorts of Bond related things you can by buy the world wide web, so get your credit cards ready, because we’re going shopping. Here a few must have items for your 007 collection…

    007 Action Figures – Bond action figures are, for some unknown reason, very popular among 007 collectors. I can’t figure out why exactly, because from what I’ve seen the figures barely resemble the character they are supposed to be, have crappy accessories, and they have a nasty, cheap, rushed, knockoff feel about them. Certainly they can’t compete with the glossy, rich, Batman figures and such. I’ve hardly seen Bond figures for sale at stores, the internet seems to be the place to buy them and then show off about your collection. But unfourtunately I found no official Bond action figure site, therefore no way for fans to offer ideas about new action figures. My ideas for new action figures include a Roger Moore figure with “judo chop” action, and a Rosa Kleeb that comes with those famous thick rimmed glasses. But sadly, my innovative suggestions are destined never to be read.

    007 Lunch Box – All you kids out there can soon be the envy of your schoolyard chums with an authentic 007 lunch box. A yellow, breakable piece of plastic with a mediocre handle and a Bond related sticker slapped on the front in an attempt to justify the $15 price tag. But as usual with Bond related goodies, its not exclusive to the kiddies, adults are more than welcome to join the party. Imagine strolling into your next board meeting, your briefcase in one hand and your plastic 007 lunchbox in the other, a first class ticket to a promotion if you ask me.

    007 Illegally Imported DVD Collection – Why pay up to $300 for the entire James Bond DVD collection with crisp, clear picture, numerous extras, individual disks, and three glossy collector boxes, when you can hop onto the internet and get hold of an illegal knockoff of the whole set crammed on five disks for 50 bucks? I ask you, who wants quality when instead you can support those illegal Japanese sweat shops? For just $50 you get the full collection on five disk, in a single case with dodgy, second hand cover art and all the text in a Foreign Language. If your lucky, some of the films will come with English subtitles, and as for the ones that don’t, well I’ve always thought that not being able to understand what’s being said adds to the fun. If your bid is successful, don’t be suprised if the seller wants to do the trade “at midnight outside the docks”.

    007 Rubber Bands – I kid you not ladies and gentlemen, I kid you not. Official James Bond rubber bands, suitable for all your rubber band related needs. How did these come to be? Well, you see, back in the sixties they had no shame, and the James Bond cash cow was milked for all she was worth, and was subsequently bone dry for most of the early seventies. Rubber bands weren’t the only unsuspecting item to have a 007 logo planted on them. Vodka, toy cars, shirts, shorts, underpants, pens, clocks, puzzles, even spoons got the same treatment. Ofcourse with official items comes the dodgy, shameless rip offs, and the market was flooded with crappy products starring Agent 0007, Agent 0077, Agent 707, and last but not least, Agent 747.

    007 Fake Autographs – Fake signatures seem to the be the collectable of the new millennium, and are perhaps becoming more sort after than real signatures. It’s become a real talking point about how people are selling autographs of Desmond Llewelyn and Bernard Lee on products that weren’t made until after their passing. Then there’s posters signed by actors who weren’t even in the film in question. Only on the internet could you get a DAD poster signed by the entire cast and Michelle Yeoh. That’s right, now actors don’t have to be in the particular film to sign a poster, there just has to be a rumour of them being in it at some stage, any stage. The more I think about, the more I feel that fake signatures are the way to go, you should make it your mission in life to have fake signatures of all five Bonds, I know I have.

    It’s a wonder virtual world out there, endless avenues to explore, and this is just the merchandising side. One feels that we haven’t even touched the surface of 007’s presence on the internet as a whole. But no matter how much Bond there is on the world wide web, it’s not enough. So sign up for some allocated web space, steal some programming books from your local library, and create your own webpage shrine to 007, so that you can add to the joy that people get, when they are surfing for 007.

    Until next time,