The Living Daylights may currently be unavailable on DVD, but even when it does come out this is one extra you won’t find with the films deleted scenes.
To view the whole picture, please click on the image.
The cartoon comes to us care of Phil Cornell, an artist who resides in the CommanderBond.net Forums as ‘White Persian’. A big thank you is extended out to him.
I, like most people I’m sure, have fond memories of long, cold winter nights, when the family would gather around the open wood fire and play “Rank the Bond Films”. If there was a particularly bad storm, the power would quite often go out and everyone would move just a little bit closer to the fire. For the unfamiliar, “Rank the Bond Films” is where you put the James Bond films in order from your favourite to your, well, um, least favourite. With no TV or power we needed something to do for entertainment, something to pass the time. Like most families, we usually played a game, and like most families, more often than not the game in question was “Rank the Bond Films”. For a miserable stormy night, a round or two of this old favourite was just what the doctor ordered, and it always brought the family closer together*.
To make things interesting, and to inject a bit of sibling rivalry into proceedings, our parents and granny served as judges and offered various “prizes” based on how well each of us four kids (my sister, two brothers and myself) could justify our rankings. The person who finished in fourth (and last) place would have to go outside with a blunt axe, braving the harsh wind and cold, and chop up some more fire wood. Third place would be dragged out to the back shed where out father would take off his belt and give them a thrashing. Second place would have to clean the outhouse and whoever finished in first place would get off scot free. As the winter came towards an end, the weather became a little more mild. Well, more mild than one of fathers brutal beatings anyway, making fourth place a better position to finish than third. When it got to this time of winter, my brothers Wally and Underdunk, who didn’t give themselves much of a chance of winning, would quite often try and sabotage their own efforts, in an attempt to finish in fourth place instead of third. It was a real cat-and-mouse game between the two of them as they tried to lose, but not make it look like they were trying to lose. It always resulted in hilarity, much to the confusion of our parents would couldn’t work out what was going on.
Just like a sporting event always opens with the national anthem, our family games of “Rank the Bond Films” traditionally opened with our father boasting about how good he was at the game when he was younger, how he always took our uncles to the cleaners and how he even represented the state in the National “Rank the Bond Films” finals. Anyone who reminded our father that he grew up in the 50’s, before there were any Bond films, would be locked up in their bedroom for a month without food or water.
After father’s stories the game began. Each of us would take turns ranking the Bond films in order from best to worst, ie if Goldfinger was your favourite, you would go “1 – Goldfinger” and give a one sentence explanation on why it was the best, and then “2 – The Spy who Loved me” and so on, giving an one sentence explanation for the positioning of each of the films. Ofcourse, it’s easier to argue something that you genuinely believe, but it doesn’t hurt to conform your beliefs to match with those of the judges. Example, Granny was Sean Connery’s biggest fan, had a lock of his hair in a safe place and all. If you put a Connery Bond film worse than 12th on your ranking list, you’d receive a swift whack courtesy of Grannys cane. Not a mistake you make more than once let me tell you, sigh, good times.
I’m sure nearly everyone has played their own version of this game many, many times. But for those who grew up deprived of this wonderful experience, here is part of one of my attempts of ranking the Bond films. Can’t remember if this effort won me the game on that occasion, but I’m sure that I managed to avoid a beating..
1 – Goldfinger
2 – Thunderball
3 – From Russia With Love
Three Connery films first up, sure to appeal to Grannys heart, at any rate it will keep that cane of hers well away. Plus these three films are probably the best three anyway. Goldfinger is the ultimate Bond film. With a gadget filled car, a gold painted girl, a larger than life villian and Connery in fine form, it has everything but the kitchen sink. In fact, If this was a George Lucas film, GL would probably go back and digitally add a kitchen sink so that this film could truly have everything. Thunderball beats From Russia With Love because of the size and epicness (real word ?) of the former.
4 – Octopussy
5 – The Spy Who Loved Me
6 – The Living Daylights
7 – Diamonds Are Forever
Everyone loves The Spy Who Loved Me, especially Mumsy, can’t remember weather she likes it because Anya is portrayed as Bonds equal, or because of the awesome ski jump in the pretitle scene. Anyway it’s a top film and worthy of being near the top of the tree. Octopussy is a superb film if you can look past the silly gags, and since it’s very much a love/hate film, I scored points with father for not just regurgitating popular opinion. After the first seven films, I was off to a pretty good start.
Until next time,
Freemo
Die Another Day surpassed xXx‘s box-office takings in the United States over the past week, but few people have ever seen quite how he did it.
To view the whole picture, please click on the image.
The cartoon comes to us care of Phil Cornell, an artist who resides in the CommanderBond.net Forums as ‘White Persian’. A big thank you is extended out to him.
Keep watching CBn for all the latest news on all things James Bond 007.
For an organization that claims not to tolerate failure, SPECTRE seem to do just that (fail, that it) on quite a number of occasions, which is a shame because company policy ensures that employees who fail are subjected to painful and elaborate deaths. Infact, it seems that more SPECTRE casualties are results of embarrassing in-house executions than the more acceptable demise of being killed in action. Something is clearly amiss here, and I think the finger needs to be pointed squarely at the organizations President, Ernst Stavro Blofeld. His business qualifications are unknown and his working relationship with his employees could at best be described as poor, referring to them by number rather than name, and murdering staff on numerous occasions. Perhaps he was a great leader once, but his old fashioned methods are passe, no longer relevant in this new millennium. A recent incident involving a keg of beer, a hot air balloon and a goat as only added fuel to the fire. In any other organization, the board would surely pass a vote of no confidence over such a incompetent president. Perhaps Numbers 2 to 11 of SPECTRE should do the same, and sack their leader, a leader with a track record of failure over six James Bond films. The sacking of Blofeld who allow SPECTRE to move forward, look to the future and travel in a new direction. But who would take over the reigns as Chairman? Who would proudly bare the Number 1 ring on their pinkie? No doubt there would be an election for the allocation of a position this big. Today we examine a few possible candidates…
Emilio Largo (Number 2): Has clearly had his one working eye on the top job for sometime now. Thirsty for success, he would defiantly enjoy the perks of being leader, and would love another house to add to his one in the Bahamas. It’s been said that he “knows the meaning of success”, and he would have no problem getting respect from the rest of the board, being referred to as “the winner who takes all”. An excellent chance for the job and the fact that he passionately believes that “the fight is worth is all” wont go against him either.
Rosa Kleeb (Number 3): Selecting a woman as president is tempting, gives a false impression that SPECTRE are about equal opportunities and all that, but there are more reasons why Rose Kleeb who make a good commanding officer. She’s direct, knows what she wants, and isn’t afraid to be tough on her staff. But with those famous thick rimmed glasses, she may find it difficult to get people to take her seriously, and her history of defection would also be a concern for those considering voting for her.
Kronsteen (Number 5): Revolutionary tactician, Kronsteen as leader could be just the thing that SPECTRE needs. If elected, he would totally restructure the organizations battle plans, and would no doubt come up with more than a few winning plays. No one disputes what a great leader he would be, but he may have it tough getting votes just the same, with members put off by his arrogant boasting and refusal to belief that any plan he masterminds could possibly fail.
Irma Bunt: Could Vice-President Irma Bunt be the one to follow on from where Blofeld left off ? Since she’s always been a staunch Blofeld supporter, many would suspect that if Blofeld was sacked she would resign, but somehow I don’t think that would be the case. She has all the right qualities for leader, ruthless, demanding, cunning, if she chose to stay with the organization and run for the top job she could no doubt be a serious contender.
Mr Wint and Mr Kidd: What better way could there be for SPECTRE to send the message to prospective share holders that they are a company of these modern times than to elect a gay chairman? The answer is: elect two gay co-chairmen. Mr Wint and Mr Kidd would make quite a formidable team, striking fear into the hearts of their competition. They are cultured, quite presentable and would be very marketable as the faces of SPECTRE. Unfortunately they have problems going for the kill, seen when they failed to dispose of Bond despite several attempts. That and their choice of lifestyle could see them struggle to get the conservative vote.
Morzeny: Respected among all for his efforts in training the new SPECTRE recruits, Morzeny could be the real dark horse of the election. Another point in his favour is that he looks remarkably like General Gogol, which could come in real handy if SPECTRE ever tries to turn the British and the Russians against each other again some day. But he may be considered too good at his current role in the company to consider promoting, with the board concerned as to who they would get to fill his post at SPECTRE Island should he make the move to the head office.
All in all, there are some excellent candidates there. Largo and Kronsteen would be the favourites, but any of them would make fine leaders. There’s lot of talent there, sure to spark a SPECTRE revival, with the organization striving to achieve success and no longer having to endure failure. it would seem that Blofeld has been holding them back all these years.
Until next time,
Freemo
The last few days before the theatrical release of a new James Bond film can be an excruciating time for dedicated fans, no matter how patient they normally are. What is actually only a week can seem like an eternity, as you walk around the house bored, constantly looking at the clock and counting down the minutes left until the new 007 flick storms the cinemas. Those hours just drag on and on as you eagerly anticipate watching those two white dots go across a large theatre screen. Every time the final days before a new film approaches, fanatics struggle to get though the wait. The tension, the butterflies in the stomach, it becomes too much for some people, hospital admissions go up by 34%. The question is, what can one do to make this painful wait easier to endure? It’s quite simple really; you just need to find distractions to occupy your mind and your time. Time flys when your having fun, so having fun will bring the new Bond film to you quicker. Here are a few activities you can do to pass the time leading up to the premier of Die Another Day.
Lego Building – A bucket full of Lego blocks translates to limitless possibilities, the only restriction is your imagination. Many a happy hour can be spend building a great many things. Also, Bond related Lego construction is fast becoming a hobby in itself. It’s not only the Bond monuments, like Blofeld’s volcano or Fort Knox, but also the characters themselves. With some pens, glue and a Bunsen burner, you can shape those Lego townsfolk, policemen, race car drivers and so on, into genuine looking Bond characters. With your players and sets, you can act out your own scenes, perhaps changing the ending. Get a video camera and make your own Lego Bond film, send it into MGM and if their reputation is accurate, they’ll probably offer you a contract.
Sort though your CD Collection – What better way could there possibly be to spend a lazy afternoon than to relive memories past by going though your CD collection?. Experience tells me that it’s best to separate your CDs into four piles, Those to keep, those to sell, those to use a drink coasters, and those you’d be embarrassed to be seen with. The question “What the hell was I thinking?” is sure to arise more the once as you dust off and check though piles of your once proud purchases. For extra credit, check which washed up artist you have the most “best of” albums of. For one singer who shall remain nameless, I managed to find a ‘best of’, a ‘greatest hits’, a ‘definitive hits’, a ‘greatest hits live’, an ‘anthology’ and a ‘complete collection’, all with pretty much the same songs on them ofcourse.
Lemonade Stand – Aimed towards, but not exclusively too, younger fans who may be struggling to come up with enough money to purchase a ticket to the new movie. Normally I’d just suggest sneaking into your mothers purse and helping yourself, but you don’t want that inevitable sense of guilt to affect your enjoyment of the film do you? Plus a Lemonade Stand will kill alot more time. You have to frequently pick the lemons, squeeze them, collect the juice, make the lemonade, build the stand, make a sign advertising the lemonade, serve the customers, count the change, and clean up afterwards. Sounds like alot of work, on second thoughts, go for the purse.
Practice “candy smuggling” – If you’re like me, then out of principle you’ll refuse to pay $4 for a Mars Bar at the cinema snack bar. I would have gone broke years ago had I not perfected the technique of smuggling candy bought elsewhere into the theater undetected. It’s getting harder and harder these days. The ushers and the ticker rippers seem to be cracking down on this more so in recent times, hell bent on catching offenders. That’s why you need plenty of practice before the big night. Try sneaking chocolate bars into work or school over the few days before the film, and no, don’t just stuff them into your pockets, be creative, be brave, take risks. As an old hand I can give you one helpful tip, secret compartments in your shoes, make of that what you will.
A night out on the town – The best way to take your mind off the long wait is to get out of the house and enjoy yourself. For that I recommend a karaoke bar. Join drunk Japanese businessmen, broke young couples, and the homeless for a few verses of Shaft or The Piano Man. You’ll make life long friends a what’s more, you’ll have an excuse for singing outside of the shower. But be wary of anyone who actually fancies themselves as a serious performer, these people should be considered dangerous. If karaoke is not your scene, then he next best thing for thrills and excitement is to hail a taxi, hop inside and say to the driver “surprise me”.
Bond Movie Marathon – No time-killing operation would be complete without a movie marathon, though it’s good tactics to save this activity for those difficult final hours when you’ll need it most. I would have gone insane on the afternoon before the release of The World is Not Enough had it not been for my You Only Live Twice and Tomorrow Never Dies videos. So gather some friends around the couch, stock up on snacks and soda, and get though that difficult morning and afternoon before by relaxing with a few videos. PS, watch any ones you like, but tradition states that the last film of your marathon has to be the most recent one. E.g. With your movie marathon before going to see Die Another Day, the previous film The World is Not Enough must be the last film of the marathon.
I know it’s a long, and sometimes agonizing wait, these last days can feel like longer than the two or three years since the last Bond film. The emotions are even felt by long time Bond fans who have gone though it all many times before . But my advice is simple, just chill out, do a few of the activities I mentioned previously, or anything you enjoy. That way those final days and hours will fly by, and Bond will be back in action before you know it.
PS. I hope everyone enjoys Die Another Day
Until next time,
Freemo
James Bond is good, James Bond is great. There is a vast and growing community of James Bond fans out there. You are one of them, you wouldn’t be reading this article if you weren’t. Perhaps you are a big 007 fan, perhaps you have all the films on DVD, perhaps you’ve read all the novels, perhaps you have 007 underwear, perhaps you are wearing it right now. But that doesn’t go far enough to answer the question, How big a 007 fan are you?. How far does your love for all things Bond extend? Are you merely a casual fan, are you a knowledgeable dedicated fan, or are you an obsessive fan, who allows the legend of Bond to control all the facets of your life? It’s most likely that you are the second of the three options, a dedicated fan with pretty good grasp on the world of Bond. And it’s also likely that you secretly strive to be an obsessed fan, constantly checking the books to find what kind of toothpaste Bond used so that you can follow suit. Maybe you already are an obsessive fan, but you just don’t realise it yet. Luckily for you, today you can find out once and for all, as we take “The Obsessive 007 Fan Quiz”.
The Obsessive 007 Fan Quiz:
5 Multiple Choice Questions to determine if you are an obsessive 007 fan.
Select only one answer for each question.
Question 1: What is the most important event you’ve missed in order to attend a 007 film premier?
a) a chook raffle
b) football practise
c) an important business meeting
d) Your childs school concert
e) Your childs birth
Question 2: What is the most valuable item you’ve sold to raise money to purchase 007 merchandise?
a) Your watch
b) Your bike
c) Your car
d) Your house
e) Your spouse
Question 3: In your opinion, Pierce Brosnan is…
a) a good James Bond actor
b) a great James Bond actor
c) a great actor
d) God’s gift to the world
e) kidnapped, tied to a chair in your basement
Question 4: To emulate 007 you quite often find yourself…
a) quoting lines
b) quoting lines while imitating Connery’s accent
c) ordering the odd martini “shaken, not stirred”
d) wearing a tuxedo to non black tie events
e) wearing a tuxedo to bed
Question 5: What is the most obsessive 007 thing you’ve ever done?
a) bought the whole video set everytime there is new cover art
b) searched the phone book for girls with sexually suggestive names.
c) named your twins “James” and “Bond”
d) stalked at least two of the actors over a period of several months
e) attempted to recreate the free falling part of the GoldenEye pretitle scene.
Scoring system:
1 point for every ‘a’
2 points for every ‘b’
3 points for every ‘c’
4 points for every ‘d’
5 points for every ‘e’.
Now just add up all the points and you’ll have your final score. Now we can determine your status as see whether or not you are an obsessive fan, best of luck to everyone…
5 to 10: You’re a fan, but you have a lot of work to do yet.
11 to 15: You’re a wannabe obsessive fan, but can you take the next step?
16 to 20: Oooh, close, very close, but no cigar.
21 to 25: You should feel proud, you are truly an obsessive 007 fan.
Until next time,
Freemo
Okay, it’s true. I’m one of those people who can’t walk past an arcade game machine without popping in a few coins and playing it. When I hear the all too familiar sounds of beeps and buzzes, I lose control, I become a completely different person. Moving the joystick wildly, slamming my fingers on the buttons in desperation, I take it more seriously than most. Why? It’s because I’m obsessed with getting the initials LSF on the top of the high scores screen for future game players to admire and worship. It’s been said that getting ones name entrenched on the high scores table is the nearest one can get to immortality, because those initials you type in stay there forever, well, at least until your score is pushed down off the list or the memory chip is cleared.
My inability to resist arcade games extends to even long outdated titles like Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, franchises that anyone else would be embarrassed beyond belief to be seen within ten feet of. Come on folks, they used to be cool, and all things come back in style eventually. And to the Ninja Turtles credit, they were big enough to have their own arcade game, and when you get your own arcade game, you know you’ve made it big. Now the question that has to be asked, is where is Bonds arcade game? I haven’t seen one anywhere, and believe me; I’ve looked (purely for research, I assure you). I’ve heard stories of an Octopussy game back in the mid-eighties that barely made it to the market, but that seems to be little more than an urban legend. I know that we have Bond video games, like Agent Under Fire and so forth, but it’s not the same as riding your bike down to the milk bar or video store to play an arcade game. There are no Bond arcade games, and I have to say, someone really dropped the ball here. Yes, I aware that MGM possess remarkable ball dropping abilities, but really, what excuse could there possibly be for kids being denied the chance to waste their pocket money on a 007 game? It’s a sad state of affairs when Bond can’t even get his own arcade game.
Now, in the tradition of imitating what’s successful and cashing in on someone else’s hard work, 007 related arcade games starring all your favorite characters could be made simply from modifying existing arcade titles. This would introduce fans of the old games to Bond, and fans of Bond to the old arcade hits, everyone wins. If MGM return my calls and this plan goes ahead, here are a few of the conversions that you can expect…
Pac-Man becomes Kauff-Man: If you haven’t heard of the arcade classic “Pac-Man”, then chances are you’ve been living under a rock since 1981. That would be darn shame because this ultra cool maze adventure where the hunter becomes the hunted is more than just a game, it’s a way of life. And now, with a slight tweak of the graphics and whatnot, Bond can enjoy the same success as we turn the game into “Kauff-Man”. With Dr Kauffman of Tomorrow Never Dies fame in the starring role, this hipper than hip game would have him dodging those menacing cell phones as he chomps his way to glory. But it’s not just for the fellows, the feminine version, “Ms. Kauff-Man” would fly the flag for the ladies.
Mario Bros. becomes Mishka Bros.: I pity those whose childhood didn’t involve playing the video games featuring those tubby, pasta munching plumbers, Mario and Luigi. If you missed out on helping the Mario Bros save the princess over and over again, then you truly missed out on something special. But that’s okay, because the original smash hit is making comeback, but instead of fat, sluggish plumbers, we have fit, agile knife throwers in Mishka and Griska from Octopussy, the Mishka Bros. Yes, slice and dice your way through an army of clowns as you make your way to the final encounter with 007, on top of a moving train. The two-player option ensures twice as much fun.
Ghosts n Goblins becomes Ghosts n Galore: You know, alot of people write in to me to say “Freemo, when is there going to be an arcade game starring Pussy Galore?”, they’re hanging out for a Pussy Galore game, and I wholeheartedly agree with them. One of the best characters in the series, Miss Galore surely deserves the right to make a name for herself. But there are enough games starring pilots, she’ll need a change in career, at least early one, to show that she is versatile. A job as a ghost buster could be just the thing for Pussy, sure, it would be pretty tough, not exactly a romp in the hay, but I think she’s up to the challenge.
Moon Patrol becomes Moonraker Patrol: An obvious one perhaps, but a game that’s just dying to be made. I don’t think anyone actually knew what the plot to “Moon Patrol” was, you just drove your little moon buggy along, jumping over holes and speed humps, and shooting down flying saucers, may they be enemies or friends. For the Bond version, we’d have to add a bit of storyline, the fans demand it. Perhaps we could make the moon buggy the one from Diamonds Are Forever, and maybe have Jaws driving the buggy, trying franticly to get home to his wife Dolly, who’ll be mad if Jaws isn’t back in time for dinner.*
1942 becomes 1959: “1942” had the player as a pilot during the Second World War, “1959” would have you on an equally as important and dangerous adventure. Your mission? To fly from Jamaica to England carrying Ian Flemings manuscript of Thunderball to the publishers. It’s precious cargo, and if you fail to get to your destination, one of the best James Bond novels and thus one of the great James Bond films will never be made. A game of high tension and even higher stakes, as you go face to face against Kevin McClory’s fighter planes, the game also serves as a great history lesson for the kiddies^. Who says learning can’t be fun? You’ll be pumping quarters into this roller coaster ride of a game for weeks.
Until next time,
Freemo
Frankly, the finale of Goldfinger in which James Bond and Pussy Galore defeat Goldfinger wasn’t a fair fight. All pussys have nine lives and 007 himself has two (he only lives twice). That’s a total of eleven lives against one, the gold obsessed one never stood a chance. It’s only right that he should be allowed reinforcement, to create a level playing field and all that. Now, we don’t know for certain how many lives Pussy Galore has lost before the film, but being a pilot and all, let’s for the sake or arguement say three, reducing the balance to eight vs one. This means that Goldfinger is entitled to seven dwarfs. Did I say dwarfs? Sorry, I meant henchmen, but I’m sure that the seven henchmen that Snow White, er, I mean Goldfinger, selected would have the same quailities and abilities as those beard wearing, ballad singing, vertically challenged miners. Goldfinger knew henchmen talent when he saw it, and I’m sure that he would have made some very first-rate selections for his team. Perhaps his choices would look a little something like this…
Red Grant as Doc – Red Grant is perfect for the leadership role of ‘Doc’. He may not have the PhD usually accosiated with ‘Doc’, but then again the only henchman who does is Dr Kauffman from Tomorrow Never Dies, and you wouldn’t get that clumsy shmuck to organise a chook raffle let alone a team of henchmen. Red Grant on the other had is fit, adjile, and can put on a bad English accent, all vital credentials for being the leader of a group like this.
Odd Job as Happy – Who wouldn’t be happy when your job involves painting naked women? Odd Job may appear stern and serious most of the time, but if you look closely the smile of a very elated individual occasionally forces it’s way out. And it’s no wonder he’s in high spirits, not only does he get to drive a Rolls Royce, cheat at golf and decapitate statutes, he also get’s paid for it!! What a dream occupation, one can only imagine the number of applicants Goldfinger had when he advertised for that position in the paper. Odd Job is a very lucky man, and a happy man too I’m sure.
Jaws as Grumpy – I’d be grumpy too If I had the problems he does getting though those metal detectors at the airport, and having to duck your head everytime there’s a door way can’t be easy on the old stress level either. Jaws was able to take it all in his stride for a while, but eventually it all wore him down and he became very angry and violent. His only relief came from extreme sports; jumping out of planes, rowing off water falls, riding on the of cable lifts, participating in Mardi Gras. Thankfully, these dangerous stunts came to and end when he found love, and he’s been considerbly less grumpy since.
Nick Nack as Bashful – Bond with Mary Goodnight, Scaramanga with Andrea, JW Pepper with Mrs Pepper, M with Moneypenny (deleted scene), seems that all the fellas in The Man with the Golden Gun are getting some action, except for poor Nick Nack that is. And it’s not his hieght thats the problem, in this film not even a third nipple will turn the women off. Nick Nack definatly has the potential to be a devil with the ladies, but it is his bashfulness that prevents him from trying out a few of his famous pick up lines.
Baron Samedi as Sneezy – It’s not well known, but Voodoo Prince Baron Samedi used to have chronic hayfever. One sneeze and half his body paint flew off. It was getting to be quite a problem, so much so that he was perscribed mediaction. But later he, like so many others before him, got addicted and the results pretty much speak for themselves in Live and Let Die. C’mon, you all suspected as much, people don’t dance around, play flutes and laugh hysterically unless they are doped up on something. But on the plus side, he no longer has a sneezing problem.
Xenia as Sleepy – Okay, she’s not actually alseep, but she is in bed when she kills most of her victims, and that’s as close as I could get to having a logical explaintation for having someone in the ‘Sleepy’ role. Her thigh crushing capabilites would certainly come in handy in a tight situation, and while it may be a bit of a squeeze on Goldfingers henchman salary cap, the team would be hard pressed to win without her (I am a clever chap).
Vargus as Dopey – Perhaps he should be playing ‘Bashful’, since he shuns the limelight and isn’t near as famous as some of his colleages, but his total quietness, ineptness and inability more than earned him the position of Dopey. Look at his death scene, shot with a harpoon gun by the very person he’s trying to sneak up on, that sort of dopeiness can’t be taught, you ever have it you don’t, and Vargus definatly has it.
And now its eight vs. eight and the stage is set for the greatest battle of all time. James Bond and Pussy Galore in the red corner, Goldfinger and his seven henchmen in the blue. What was previously a one-sided dust up is now a promoters dream, the sort of battle that is certian to go down in history as one of the all time classics.
Until next time,
Freemo
In the James Bond films directed by Guy Hamilton, it was quite common for the villain to knock Bond out unconscious and then have him awaken in a strange and perhaps dangerous place, the “snake pit” device I think they call it. In Goldfinger 007 is hit with a tranquilizer and comes to in a plane with Pussy Galore pointing a gun at him, Diamonds Are Forever sees Connery get sprayed in the elevator and then awake to find himself in a pipeline conversing with a rat, and ofcourse in Live and Let Die, Tee Hee whacks Bond across the back of the head with his hook, and carries 007 over his shoulder all the way to Mr. Big’s Crocodile Farm.
If you holidayed in Louisiana any time between 1972 and 1998 and you didn’t take the opportunity to visit Mr. Big’s Crocodile Farm, then you should be taken out and beaten. Because during that period the Crocodile Farm was the premier tourist attraction in the state, and in many peoples minds the entire nation. There was so much to see and do, with “Feeding Time” being the particular highlight of the day, but there is also a relaxing atmosphere as you bask in the mid morning sun, keeping a careful eye out for anyone in the swamp that may consider you edible. Sure, it’s a risky venture, but so is a trip to the supermarket when you think about it. The difference with The Crocodile Farm was that anyone who lost a hand was provided with a hook, courtesy of the Farm, ensuring that there were no complaints. Until a few years ago that is, when the premises was set alight one too many times and was declared a fire risk by the local council. The Crocodile Farm was shut down, tourism to the region dropped 74%, and world domination seeking villains had lost their best “snake pit” situation to send Bond to.
But maybe it’s all for the best. The loss of the greatest “snake pit” of all forced the producers to admit the standard of the “snake pits” had been going downhill in recent times. It all started with A View to A Kill, Zorin just puts Bond in the Rolls Royce and pushes it in the river. And then in GoldenEye all Trevelyn can come up with is to tie Bond up inside the helicopter and have it shoot itself. It seems like the villains are getting lazy of late, not putting any creativity or energy into their “snake pits” anymore, and that’s a downright shame. Thankfully for them, I’ve come up with a few snake pit situations of my own, ones that even Guy Hamilton would be proud of…
A Bulls Roar: Bond awakens to find himself in the middle of a Bull Fighting ring in Spain. He is surrounded by herds of bulls and they are not happy. Why? Because the villain has stripped Bond naked, painted him red, and stapled a McDonalds logo to his behind. The angry bulls lower their horns and charge at Bond from all directions, lets see him get out of this one.
A Drop in the Ocean: Nusing his head, Bond wakes up to gentle rocking of water all around him. It seems that the villain has placed Bond in a life raft and left him in the middle of the Pacific Ocean. To make matters worse, the life raft has a puncture and is losing air fast. Bond must continuous blow air into the raft, while paddling with both hands to get to the nearest continent.
Problem Solver: Bond feels quite strange when he comes around, something isn’t quite right. Turns out it’s because he’s 14,000 feet above the air. “Goodbye Mr. Bond” the villain cries gleefully, suddenly pushing 007 out of the plane. Tumbling towards his death, all Bond has on him is a coat hanger, a pair of suspenders, and some chewing gum. Can he construct a parachute and glide to safety before it’s too late?
Love and Marriage: When Bond stirs, he is shocked to find that he’s in a village in Africa. What’s more, while he was unconscious, a wedding ceremony took place where Bond became married to the tribal chiefs ugliest daughter. Upon awakening, Bond is informed by the chief that if he so much as attempts to flee the village, the men of the tribe will spear him to death, hollow out his skull, and use it as a musical instrument.
The Ultimate: Regaining consciousness, Bond realises that he’s been tied to a chair. There is dynamite strapped all over him and the chair as well. Two burly commandos stand on either side of Bond, both holding machine guns. Surrounding them is a 12-foot circular moat ceeming with sharks and piranhas. Around the moat are six guards at equal intervals around the circle, each with rocket launchers aimed directly at Bond. All this, is right in the middle of 50 sq mile mind field. Good luck Mr. Bond.
Of all the “snake pit” situations Bond has been in, so far Mr. Bigs Crocodile Farm has come the closest to bringing him to his downfall. But perhaps one of these “snake pits”, if used by a world domination seeking maniac one day, could be the one that finished off 007 once and for all.
Until next time,
Freemo
Everybody knows that when it comes to producing high quality watches, army knifes, cheese and bank accounts, the Swiss are miles ahead of the rest. But what allot of people who haven’t read You Only Live Twice (shame on you) don’t know is that James Bond is half Swiss, on his mothers side (and Scottish on his fathers side, but that’s not really relevant here). Had Bonds mother not died along with his father in a climbing accident when he was young, perhaps she would have encouraged her son to pursue a profession in one of the traditional Swiss dominating areas. With Swiss blood, Bond must have natural abilities in any field involving the aforementioned products. As good a spy that Bond is, he may infact be even better at army knife making or so forth, indeed 007 may be wasting his talents in the secret service, and would that be a down right shame.
To test this incredibly innovative theory (if I do say so myself, and I do), its worth taking a glance at occupations involving these four Swiss products and investigating how successful Bond would be in each of them. Perhaps the school careers adviser back at Eton should have suggested one of these areas to Bond as a possible career, then again perhaps not…
Swiss watchmaker – It’s common knowledge that there is a bloodthirsty rivalry between Switzerland and Russia when it comes to the art of watch and clock making. Remember that cocky Russian in From Russia With Love who made the rather dubious claim that Russian clocks are always correct? Didn’t you just want punch his head in? It makes one think that this long running war would make Bond, who has taken on the Russians on many a mission, feel right at home in field of time telling device construction. But I’m sure that once word of Bond previous spy exploits got around the Swiss watch making community, they would have him on the next plane to Russia on an undercover mission to steal watch blue prints and sabotage watch making operations, and Bond would find himself back in the world of espionage, if on a slightly different scale.
Swiss army knife assembler – The craft of army knife assembling required that utmost concentration. Many eyes, fingers and other body parts have been needlessly lost on the job due to the recklessness of inexperienced army knife makers. Would Bond suffer a similar fate? Would he crack under the pressure, mixing up the scissors with the screwdriver and forgetting to put in the corkscrew completely, or would he thrive on it? He has performed in similar high stakes positions before, like when he disarmed the nuclear device during The Spy Who Loved Me. But he’s getting old now and his memory isn’t what it once was, as seen recently in The World is Not Enough, forgetting his nuclear disarming capabilities. Employers would be therefore reluctant to take him on, fearing that he may also have a memory lapse when it comes his army knife constructing skills, and be forced to call upon the help of Dr Christmas Jones.
Swiss cheese producer – If you thought that Agent Under Fire was a good game, then imagine how much better it would have been if Bond was a cheese maker instead of a spy. But I’m afraid it’s not quite as simple as that. The skill of cheese making is something that can’t be taught, you either have if or you don’t, the question on everyone’s lips being “Does Bond have it?”. Yes, Bond did display a love for food in A View to a Kill when he made that omelette, but his close minded, juvenile expressions towards the sheep’s head served to him at the dinner table in Octopussy shows that he is an uncultured swine, and totally unworthy to socialize in the exclusive circle of the cheese making community. Perhaps there was a time in the mid 70’s when he would have been accepted, but certainly not now. Sorry if that sounds a little harsh, but that’s the way I feel and I can’t help that.
Swiss Banker – We’re going to use the profession of banker here because it makes for a far more interesting analysis than that of a bank manager or teller. If you remember, Bond was quite convincing as a banker in Tomorrow Never Dies, and he does seem to have quite a fascination for figures as shown in Octopussy, perhaps the number crunching world of a banker is where Bonds real talents lie. But as a banker, Bond may have to go head to head with other bankers, some who are just as evil and sinister as say Blofeld or Goldfinger, but don’t prematurely reveal the details of their diabolcal schemes. Sadly, It could prove too much for James Bond, who is accustomed to the more relaxing and easygoing lifestyle that a spy enjoys.
It would seem that only being half Swiss isn’t enough, and it’s just as well that Bond found his calling as a secret agent. Because as a secret agent he does his country proud, something he may not be able to say with the same certainty if he were an army knife maker or a banker. But then again, we have only covered the Swiss side of Bond, don’t forget, he is half Scottish as well. Perhaps he would fare better as a bagpipe tuner or a muffin maker, then again, perhaps not.
Until next time,
Freemo
Dedicated to army knife assemblers everywhere.