1. Goldfinger and the 7 Henchmen

    By Luke Freeman on 2002-10-04

    Frankly, the finale of Goldfinger in which James Bond and Pussy Galore defeat Goldfinger wasn’t a fair fight. All pussys have nine lives and 007 himself has two (he only lives twice). That’s a total of eleven lives against one, the gold obsessed one never stood a chance. It’s only right that he should be allowed reinforcement, to create a level playing field and all that. Now, we don’t know for certain how many lives Pussy Galore has lost before the film, but being a pilot and all, let’s for the sake or arguement say three, reducing the balance to eight vs one. This means that Goldfinger is entitled to seven dwarfs. Did I say dwarfs? Sorry, I meant henchmen, but I’m sure that the seven henchmen that Snow White, er, I mean Goldfinger, selected would have the same quailities and abilities as those beard wearing, ballad singing, vertically challenged miners. Goldfinger knew henchmen talent when he saw it, and I’m sure that he would have made some very first-rate selections for his team. Perhaps his choices would look a little something like this…

    Red Grant as Doc – Red Grant is perfect for the leadership role of ‘Doc’. He may not have the PhD usually accosiated with ‘Doc’, but then again the only henchman who does is Dr Kauffman from Tomorrow Never Dies, and you wouldn’t get that clumsy shmuck to organise a chook raffle let alone a team of henchmen. Red Grant on the other had is fit, adjile, and can put on a bad English accent, all vital credentials for being the leader of a group like this.

    Odd Job as Happy – Who wouldn’t be happy when your job involves painting naked women? Odd Job may appear stern and serious most of the time, but if you look closely the smile of a very elated individual occasionally forces it’s way out. And it’s no wonder he’s in high spirits, not only does he get to drive a Rolls Royce, cheat at golf and decapitate statutes, he also get’s paid for it!! What a dream occupation, one can only imagine the number of applicants Goldfinger had when he advertised for that position in the paper. Odd Job is a very lucky man, and a happy man too I’m sure.

    Jaws as Grumpy – I’d be grumpy too If I had the problems he does getting though those metal detectors at the airport, and having to duck your head everytime there’s a door way can’t be easy on the old stress level either. Jaws was able to take it all in his stride for a while, but eventually it all wore him down and he became very angry and violent. His only relief came from extreme sports; jumping out of planes, rowing off water falls, riding on the of cable lifts, participating in Mardi Gras. Thankfully, these dangerous stunts came to and end when he found love, and he’s been considerbly less grumpy since.

    Nick Nack as Bashful – Bond with Mary Goodnight, Scaramanga with Andrea, JW Pepper with Mrs Pepper, M with Moneypenny (deleted scene), seems that all the fellas in The Man with the Golden Gun are getting some action, except for poor Nick Nack that is. And it’s not his hieght thats the problem, in this film not even a third nipple will turn the women off. Nick Nack definatly has the potential to be a devil with the ladies, but it is his bashfulness that prevents him from trying out a few of his famous pick up lines.

    Baron Samedi as Sneezy – It’s not well known, but Voodoo Prince Baron Samedi used to have chronic hayfever. One sneeze and half his body paint flew off. It was getting to be quite a problem, so much so that he was perscribed mediaction. But later he, like so many others before him, got addicted and the results pretty much speak for themselves in Live and Let Die. C’mon, you all suspected as much, people don’t dance around, play flutes and laugh hysterically unless they are doped up on something. But on the plus side, he no longer has a sneezing problem.

    Xenia as Sleepy – Okay, she’s not actually alseep, but she is in bed when she kills most of her victims, and that’s as close as I could get to having a logical explaintation for having someone in the ‘Sleepy’ role. Her thigh crushing capabilites would certainly come in handy in a tight situation, and while it may be a bit of a squeeze on Goldfingers henchman salary cap, the team would be hard pressed to win without her (I am a clever chap).

    Vargus as Dopey – Perhaps he should be playing ‘Bashful’, since he shuns the limelight and isn’t near as famous as some of his colleages, but his total quietness, ineptness and inability more than earned him the position of Dopey. Look at his death scene, shot with a harpoon gun by the very person he’s trying to sneak up on, that sort of dopeiness can’t be taught, you ever have it you don’t, and Vargus definatly has it.

    And now its eight vs. eight and the stage is set for the greatest battle of all time. James Bond and Pussy Galore in the red corner, Goldfinger and his seven henchmen in the blue. What was previously a one-sided dust up is now a promoters dream, the sort of battle that is certian to go down in history as one of the all time classics.

    Until next time,