Rank the Bond Films

I, like most people I’m sure, have fond memories of long, cold winter nights, when the family would gather around the open wood fire and play “Rank the Bond Films”. If there was a particularly bad storm, the power would quite often go out and everyone would move just a little bit closer to the fire. For the unfamiliar, “Rank the Bond Films” is where you put the James Bond films in order from your favourite to your, well, um, least favourite. With no TV or power we needed something to do for entertainment, something to pass the time. Like most families, we usually played a game, and like most families, more often than not the game in question was “Rank the Bond Films”. For a miserable stormy night, a round or two of this old favourite was just what the doctor ordered, and it always brought the family closer together*.

To make things interesting, and to inject a bit of sibling rivalry into proceedings, our parents and granny served as judges and offered various “prizes” based on how well each of us four kids (my sister, two brothers and myself) could justify our rankings. The person who finished in fourth (and last) place would have to go outside with a blunt axe, braving the harsh wind and cold, and chop up some more fire wood. Third place would be dragged out to the back shed where out father would take off his belt and give them a thrashing. Second place would have to clean the outhouse and whoever finished in first place would get off scot free. As the winter came towards an end, the weather became a little more mild. Well, more mild than one of fathers brutal beatings anyway, making fourth place a better position to finish than third. When it got to this time of winter, my brothers Wally and Underdunk, who didn’t give themselves much of a chance of winning, would quite often try and sabotage their own efforts, in an attempt to finish in fourth place instead of third. It was a real cat-and-mouse game between the two of them as they tried to lose, but not make it look like they were trying to lose. It always resulted in hilarity, much to the confusion of our parents would couldn’t work out what was going on.

Just like a sporting event always opens with the national anthem, our family games of “Rank the Bond Films” traditionally opened with our father boasting about how good he was at the game when he was younger, how he always took our uncles to the cleaners and how he even represented the state in the National “Rank the Bond Films” finals. Anyone who reminded our father that he grew up in the 50’s, before there were any Bond films, would be locked up in their bedroom for a month without food or water.

After father’s stories the game began. Each of us would take turns ranking the Bond films in order from best to worst, ie if Goldfinger was your favourite, you would go “1 – Goldfinger” and give a one sentence explanation on why it was the best, and then “2 – The Spy who Loved me” and so on, giving an one sentence explanation for the positioning of each of the films. Ofcourse, it’s easier to argue something that you genuinely believe, but it doesn’t hurt to conform your beliefs to match with those of the judges. Example, Granny was Sean Connery’s biggest fan, had a lock of his hair in a safe place and all. If you put a Connery Bond film worse than 12th on your ranking list, you’d receive a swift whack courtesy of Grannys cane. Not a mistake you make more than once let me tell you, sigh, good times.

I’m sure nearly everyone has played their own version of this game many, many times. But for those who grew up deprived of this wonderful experience, here is part of one of my attempts of ranking the Bond films. Can’t remember if this effort won me the game on that occasion, but I’m sure that I managed to avoid a beating..

1 – Goldfinger
2 – Thunderball
3 – From Russia With Love

Three Connery films first up, sure to appeal to Grannys heart, at any rate it will keep that cane of hers well away. Plus these three films are probably the best three anyway. Goldfinger is the ultimate Bond film. With a gadget filled car, a gold painted girl, a larger than life villian and Connery in fine form, it has everything but the kitchen sink. In fact, If this was a George Lucas film, GL would probably go back and digitally add a kitchen sink so that this film could truly have everything. Thunderball beats From Russia With Love because of the size and epicness (real word ?) of the former.

4 – Octopussy
5 – The Spy Who Loved Me
6 – The Living Daylights
7 – Diamonds Are Forever

Everyone loves The Spy Who Loved Me, especially Mumsy, can’t remember weather she likes it because Anya is portrayed as Bonds equal, or because of the awesome ski jump in the pretitle scene. Anyway it’s a top film and worthy of being near the top of the tree. Octopussy is a superb film if you can look past the silly gags, and since it’s very much a love/hate film, I scored points with father for not just regurgitating popular opinion. After the first seven films, I was off to a pretty good start.

Until next time,

Freemo

Meet Authors Of 'James Bond: The Legacy'

Great news for Bond fans within reasonable distance of Los Angeles. John Cork and Bruce Scivally, the authors of “James Bond: The Legacy”, will be signing copies of their publication at Borders on Westwood Blvd. on Wedenesday 11th of December at 7:30pm.

If you don’t already own a copy of the book it will be available for purchase at the event, and obviously you can get it signed too. Each book purchased will come with a a free Johnny Lightning James Bond car with each book sold (while supplies last). If you do already own a copy, the authors will be more than willing to sign it.

Aside from the signing at the event, there will also be a range of terrific prizes on offer. The prizes will be available through “The World’s Easiest James Bond Trivia Contest”. Amongst other things, one prize will be 3 free James Bond posters (the Die Another Day advance 1 sheet, the Bollinger Die Another Day poster, and the James Bond DVD poster).

Other prizes include:

Bollinger champagne
Norelco 007 electric razor
Radio controlled Aston Martin V12 Vanquish
Bond DVDs from MGM
Sony Playstation James Bond Games
12″ Bond and Dr. No figures from Sideshow Toys
James Bond music CDs
Bond novels by Raymond Benson
New Penguin editions of the Ian Fleming Bond novels SIGNED by the cover designer Richie Fayhe

James Bond: The Legacy is an essential purchase for James Bond fans. John Cox’s review of James Bond: The Legacy is available, and Daniel Dykes’ is available here.

The SPECTRE Election

For an organization that claims not to tolerate failure, SPECTRE seem to do just that (fail, that it) on quite a number of occasions, which is a shame because company policy ensures that employees who fail are subjected to painful and elaborate deaths. Infact, it seems that more SPECTRE casualties are results of embarrassing in-house executions than the more acceptable demise of being killed in action. Something is clearly amiss here, and I think the finger needs to be pointed squarely at the organizations President, Ernst Stavro Blofeld. His business qualifications are unknown and his working relationship with his employees could at best be described as poor, referring to them by number rather than name, and murdering staff on numerous occasions. Perhaps he was a great leader once, but his old fashioned methods are passe, no longer relevant in this new millennium. A recent incident involving a keg of beer, a hot air balloon and a goat as only added fuel to the fire. In any other organization, the board would surely pass a vote of no confidence over such a incompetent president. Perhaps Numbers 2 to 11 of SPECTRE should do the same, and sack their leader, a leader with a track record of failure over six James Bond films. The sacking of Blofeld who allow SPECTRE to move forward, look to the future and travel in a new direction. But who would take over the reigns as Chairman? Who would proudly bare the Number 1 ring on their pinkie? No doubt there would be an election for the allocation of a position this big. Today we examine a few possible candidates…

Emilio Largo (Number 2): Has clearly had his one working eye on the top job for sometime now. Thirsty for success, he would defiantly enjoy the perks of being leader, and would love another house to add to his one in the Bahamas. It’s been said that he “knows the meaning of success”, and he would have no problem getting respect from the rest of the board, being referred to as “the winner who takes all”. An excellent chance for the job and the fact that he passionately believes that “the fight is worth is all” wont go against him either.

Rosa Kleeb (Number 3): Selecting a woman as president is tempting, gives a false impression that SPECTRE are about equal opportunities and all that, but there are more reasons why Rose Kleeb who make a good commanding officer. She’s direct, knows what she wants, and isn’t afraid to be tough on her staff. But with those famous thick rimmed glasses, she may find it difficult to get people to take her seriously, and her history of defection would also be a concern for those considering voting for her.

Kronsteen (Number 5): Revolutionary tactician, Kronsteen as leader could be just the thing that SPECTRE needs. If elected, he would totally restructure the organizations battle plans, and would no doubt come up with more than a few winning plays. No one disputes what a great leader he would be, but he may have it tough getting votes just the same, with members put off by his arrogant boasting and refusal to belief that any plan he masterminds could possibly fail.

Irma Bunt: Could Vice-President Irma Bunt be the one to follow on from where Blofeld left off ? Since she’s always been a staunch Blofeld supporter, many would suspect that if Blofeld was sacked she would resign, but somehow I don’t think that would be the case. She has all the right qualities for leader, ruthless, demanding, cunning, if she chose to stay with the organization and run for the top job she could no doubt be a serious contender.

Mr Wint and Mr Kidd: What better way could there be for SPECTRE to send the message to prospective share holders that they are a company of these modern times than to elect a gay chairman? The answer is: elect two gay co-chairmen. Mr Wint and Mr Kidd would make quite a formidable team, striking fear into the hearts of their competition. They are cultured, quite presentable and would be very marketable as the faces of SPECTRE. Unfortunately they have problems going for the kill, seen when they failed to dispose of Bond despite several attempts. That and their choice of lifestyle could see them struggle to get the conservative vote.

Morzeny: Respected among all for his efforts in training the new SPECTRE recruits, Morzeny could be the real dark horse of the election. Another point in his favour is that he looks remarkably like General Gogol, which could come in real handy if SPECTRE ever tries to turn the British and the Russians against each other again some day. But he may be considered too good at his current role in the company to consider promoting, with the board concerned as to who they would get to fill his post at SPECTRE Island should he make the move to the head office.

All in all, there are some excellent candidates there. Largo and Kronsteen would be the favourites, but any of them would make fine leaders. There’s lot of talent there, sure to spark a SPECTRE revival, with the organization striving to achieve success and no longer having to endure failure. it would seem that Blofeld has been holding them back all these years.

Until next time,

Freemo

The Waiting Game

The last few days before the theatrical release of a new James Bond film can be an excruciating time for dedicated fans, no matter how patient they normally are. What is actually only a week can seem like an eternity, as you walk around the house bored, constantly looking at the clock and counting down the minutes left until the new 007 flick storms the cinemas. Those hours just drag on and on as you eagerly anticipate watching those two white dots go across a large theatre screen. Every time the final days before a new film approaches, fanatics struggle to get though the wait. The tension, the butterflies in the stomach, it becomes too much for some people, hospital admissions go up by 34%. The question is, what can one do to make this painful wait easier to endure? It’s quite simple really; you just need to find distractions to occupy your mind and your time. Time flys when your having fun, so having fun will bring the new Bond film to you quicker. Here are a few activities you can do to pass the time leading up to the premier of Die Another Day.

Lego Building – A bucket full of Lego blocks translates to limitless possibilities, the only restriction is your imagination. Many a happy hour can be spend building a great many things. Also, Bond related Lego construction is fast becoming a hobby in itself. It’s not only the Bond monuments, like Blofeld’s volcano or Fort Knox, but also the characters themselves. With some pens, glue and a Bunsen burner, you can shape those Lego townsfolk, policemen, race car drivers and so on, into genuine looking Bond characters. With your players and sets, you can act out your own scenes, perhaps changing the ending. Get a video camera and make your own Lego Bond film, send it into MGM and if their reputation is accurate, they’ll probably offer you a contract.

Sort though your CD Collection – What better way could there possibly be to spend a lazy afternoon than to relive memories past by going though your CD collection?. Experience tells me that it’s best to separate your CDs into four piles, Those to keep, those to sell, those to use a drink coasters, and those you’d be embarrassed to be seen with. The question “What the hell was I thinking?” is sure to arise more the once as you dust off and check though piles of your once proud purchases. For extra credit, check which washed up artist you have the most “best of” albums of. For one singer who shall remain nameless, I managed to find a ‘best of’, a ‘greatest hits’, a ‘definitive hits’, a ‘greatest hits live’, an ‘anthology’ and a ‘complete collection’, all with pretty much the same songs on them ofcourse.

Lemonade Stand – Aimed towards, but not exclusively too, younger fans who may be struggling to come up with enough money to purchase a ticket to the new movie. Normally I’d just suggest sneaking into your mothers purse and helping yourself, but you don’t want that inevitable sense of guilt to affect your enjoyment of the film do you? Plus a Lemonade Stand will kill alot more time. You have to frequently pick the lemons, squeeze them, collect the juice, make the lemonade, build the stand, make a sign advertising the lemonade, serve the customers, count the change, and clean up afterwards. Sounds like alot of work, on second thoughts, go for the purse.

Practice “candy smuggling” – If you’re like me, then out of principle you’ll refuse to pay $4 for a Mars Bar at the cinema snack bar. I would have gone broke years ago had I not perfected the technique of smuggling candy bought elsewhere into the theater undetected. It’s getting harder and harder these days. The ushers and the ticker rippers seem to be cracking down on this more so in recent times, hell bent on catching offenders. That’s why you need plenty of practice before the big night. Try sneaking chocolate bars into work or school over the few days before the film, and no, don’t just stuff them into your pockets, be creative, be brave, take risks. As an old hand I can give you one helpful tip, secret compartments in your shoes, make of that what you will.

A night out on the town – The best way to take your mind off the long wait is to get out of the house and enjoy yourself. For that I recommend a karaoke bar. Join drunk Japanese businessmen, broke young couples, and the homeless for a few verses of Shaft or The Piano Man. You’ll make life long friends a what’s more, you’ll have an excuse for singing outside of the shower. But be wary of anyone who actually fancies themselves as a serious performer, these people should be considered dangerous. If karaoke is not your scene, then he next best thing for thrills and excitement is to hail a taxi, hop inside and say to the driver “surprise me”.

Bond Movie Marathon – No time-killing operation would be complete without a movie marathon, though it’s good tactics to save this activity for those difficult final hours when you’ll need it most. I would have gone insane on the afternoon before the release of The World is Not Enough had it not been for my You Only Live Twice and Tomorrow Never Dies videos. So gather some friends around the couch, stock up on snacks and soda, and get though that difficult morning and afternoon before by relaxing with a few videos. PS, watch any ones you like, but tradition states that the last film of your marathon has to be the most recent one. E.g. With your movie marathon before going to see Die Another Day, the previous film The World is Not Enough must be the last film of the marathon.

I know it’s a long, and sometimes agonizing wait, these last days can feel like longer than the two or three years since the last Bond film. The emotions are even felt by long time Bond fans who have gone though it all many times before . But my advice is simple, just chill out, do a few of the activities I mentioned previously, or anything you enjoy. That way those final days and hours will fly by, and Bond will be back in action before you know it.

PS. I hope everyone enjoys Die Another Day

Until next time,

Freemo

The Obsessive 007 Fan Quiz

James Bond is good, James Bond is great. There is a vast and growing community of James Bond fans out there. You are one of them, you wouldn’t be reading this article if you weren’t. Perhaps you are a big 007 fan, perhaps you have all the films on DVD, perhaps you’ve read all the novels, perhaps you have 007 underwear, perhaps you are wearing it right now. But that doesn’t go far enough to answer the question, How big a 007 fan are you?. How far does your love for all things Bond extend? Are you merely a casual fan, are you a knowledgeable dedicated fan, or are you an obsessive fan, who allows the legend of Bond to control all the facets of your life? It’s most likely that you are the second of the three options, a dedicated fan with pretty good grasp on the world of Bond. And it’s also likely that you secretly strive to be an obsessed fan, constantly checking the books to find what kind of toothpaste Bond used so that you can follow suit. Maybe you already are an obsessive fan, but you just don’t realise it yet. Luckily for you, today you can find out once and for all, as we take “The Obsessive 007 Fan Quiz”.

The Obsessive 007 Fan Quiz:
5 Multiple Choice Questions to determine if you are an obsessive 007 fan.
Select only one answer for each question.

Question 1: What is the most important event you’ve missed in order to attend a 007 film premier?

a) a chook raffle
b) football practise
c) an important business meeting
d) Your childs school concert
e) Your childs birth

Question 2: What is the most valuable item you’ve sold to raise money to purchase 007 merchandise?

a) Your watch
b) Your bike
c) Your car
d) Your house
e) Your spouse

Question 3: In your opinion, Pierce Brosnan is…

a) a good James Bond actor
b) a great James Bond actor
c) a great actor
d) God’s gift to the world
e) kidnapped, tied to a chair in your basement

Question 4: To emulate 007 you quite often find yourself…

a) quoting lines
b) quoting lines while imitating Connery’s accent
c) ordering the odd martini “shaken, not stirred”
d) wearing a tuxedo to non black tie events
e) wearing a tuxedo to bed

Question 5: What is the most obsessive 007 thing you’ve ever done?

a) bought the whole video set everytime there is new cover art
b) searched the phone book for girls with sexually suggestive names.
c) named your twins “James” and “Bond”
d) stalked at least two of the actors over a period of several months
e) attempted to recreate the free falling part of the GoldenEye pretitle scene.

Scoring system:
1 point for every ‘a’
2 points for every ‘b’
3 points for every ‘c’
4 points for every ‘d’
5 points for every ‘e’.

Now just add up all the points and you’ll have your final score. Now we can determine your status as see whether or not you are an obsessive fan, best of luck to everyone…
5 to 10: You’re a fan, but you have a lot of work to do yet.
11 to 15: You’re a wannabe obsessive fan, but can you take the next step?
16 to 20: Oooh, close, very close, but no cigar.
21 to 25: You should feel proud, you are truly an obsessive 007 fan.

Until next time,

Freemo

Arcade Game Shame

Okay, it’s true. I’m one of those people who can’t walk past an arcade game machine without popping in a few coins and playing it. When I hear the all too familiar sounds of beeps and buzzes, I lose control, I become a completely different person. Moving the joystick wildly, slamming my fingers on the buttons in desperation, I take it more seriously than most. Why? It’s because I’m obsessed with getting the initials LSF on the top of the high scores screen for future game players to admire and worship. It’s been said that getting ones name entrenched on the high scores table is the nearest one can get to immortality, because those initials you type in stay there forever, well, at least until your score is pushed down off the list or the memory chip is cleared.

My inability to resist arcade games extends to even long outdated titles like Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, franchises that anyone else would be embarrassed beyond belief to be seen within ten feet of. Come on folks, they used to be cool, and all things come back in style eventually. And to the Ninja Turtles credit, they were big enough to have their own arcade game, and when you get your own arcade game, you know you’ve made it big. Now the question that has to be asked, is where is Bonds arcade game? I haven’t seen one anywhere, and believe me; I’ve looked (purely for research, I assure you). I’ve heard stories of an Octopussy game back in the mid-eighties that barely made it to the market, but that seems to be little more than an urban legend. I know that we have Bond video games, like Agent Under Fire and so forth, but it’s not the same as riding your bike down to the milk bar or video store to play an arcade game. There are no Bond arcade games, and I have to say, someone really dropped the ball here. Yes, I aware that MGM possess remarkable ball dropping abilities, but really, what excuse could there possibly be for kids being denied the chance to waste their pocket money on a 007 game? It’s a sad state of affairs when Bond can’t even get his own arcade game.

Now, in the tradition of imitating what’s successful and cashing in on someone else’s hard work, 007 related arcade games starring all your favorite characters could be made simply from modifying existing arcade titles. This would introduce fans of the old games to Bond, and fans of Bond to the old arcade hits, everyone wins. If MGM return my calls and this plan goes ahead, here are a few of the conversions that you can expect…

Pac-Man becomes Kauff-Man: If you haven’t heard of the arcade classic “Pac-Man”, then chances are you’ve been living under a rock since 1981. That would be darn shame because this ultra cool maze adventure where the hunter becomes the hunted is more than just a game, it’s a way of life. And now, with a slight tweak of the graphics and whatnot, Bond can enjoy the same success as we turn the game into “Kauff-Man”. With Dr Kauffman of Tomorrow Never Dies fame in the starring role, this hipper than hip game would have him dodging those menacing cell phones as he chomps his way to glory. But it’s not just for the fellows, the feminine version, “Ms. Kauff-Man” would fly the flag for the ladies.

Mario Bros. becomes Mishka Bros.: I pity those whose childhood didn’t involve playing the video games featuring those tubby, pasta munching plumbers, Mario and Luigi. If you missed out on helping the Mario Bros save the princess over and over again, then you truly missed out on something special. But that’s okay, because the original smash hit is making comeback, but instead of fat, sluggish plumbers, we have fit, agile knife throwers in Mishka and Griska from Octopussy, the Mishka Bros. Yes, slice and dice your way through an army of clowns as you make your way to the final encounter with 007, on top of a moving train. The two-player option ensures twice as much fun.

Ghosts n Goblins becomes Ghosts n Galore: You know, alot of people write in to me to say “Freemo, when is there going to be an arcade game starring Pussy Galore?”, they’re hanging out for a Pussy Galore game, and I wholeheartedly agree with them. One of the best characters in the series, Miss Galore surely deserves the right to make a name for herself. But there are enough games starring pilots, she’ll need a change in career, at least early one, to show that she is versatile. A job as a ghost buster could be just the thing for Pussy, sure, it would be pretty tough, not exactly a romp in the hay, but I think she’s up to the challenge.

Moon Patrol becomes Moonraker Patrol: An obvious one perhaps, but a game that’s just dying to be made. I don’t think anyone actually knew what the plot to “Moon Patrol” was, you just drove your little moon buggy along, jumping over holes and speed humps, and shooting down flying saucers, may they be enemies or friends. For the Bond version, we’d have to add a bit of storyline, the fans demand it. Perhaps we could make the moon buggy the one from Diamonds Are Forever, and maybe have Jaws driving the buggy, trying franticly to get home to his wife Dolly, who’ll be mad if Jaws isn’t back in time for dinner.*

1942 becomes 1959: “1942” had the player as a pilot during the Second World War, “1959” would have you on an equally as important and dangerous adventure. Your mission? To fly from Jamaica to England carrying Ian Flemings manuscript of Thunderball to the publishers. It’s precious cargo, and if you fail to get to your destination, one of the best James Bond novels and thus one of the great James Bond films will never be made. A game of high tension and even higher stakes, as you go face to face against Kevin McClory’s fighter planes, the game also serves as a great history lesson for the kiddies^. Who says learning can’t be fun? You’ll be pumping quarters into this roller coaster ride of a game for weeks.

Until next time,

Freemo

Goldfinger and the 7 Henchmen

Frankly, the finale of Goldfinger in which James Bond and Pussy Galore defeat Goldfinger wasn’t a fair fight. All pussys have nine lives and 007 himself has two (he only lives twice). That’s a total of eleven lives against one, the gold obsessed one never stood a chance. It’s only right that he should be allowed reinforcement, to create a level playing field and all that. Now, we don’t know for certain how many lives Pussy Galore has lost before the film, but being a pilot and all, let’s for the sake or arguement say three, reducing the balance to eight vs one. This means that Goldfinger is entitled to seven dwarfs. Did I say dwarfs? Sorry, I meant henchmen, but I’m sure that the seven henchmen that Snow White, er, I mean Goldfinger, selected would have the same quailities and abilities as those beard wearing, ballad singing, vertically challenged miners. Goldfinger knew henchmen talent when he saw it, and I’m sure that he would have made some very first-rate selections for his team. Perhaps his choices would look a little something like this…

Red Grant as Doc – Red Grant is perfect for the leadership role of ‘Doc’. He may not have the PhD usually accosiated with ‘Doc’, but then again the only henchman who does is Dr Kauffman from Tomorrow Never Dies, and you wouldn’t get that clumsy shmuck to organise a chook raffle let alone a team of henchmen. Red Grant on the other had is fit, adjile, and can put on a bad English accent, all vital credentials for being the leader of a group like this.

Odd Job as Happy – Who wouldn’t be happy when your job involves painting naked women? Odd Job may appear stern and serious most of the time, but if you look closely the smile of a very elated individual occasionally forces it’s way out. And it’s no wonder he’s in high spirits, not only does he get to drive a Rolls Royce, cheat at golf and decapitate statutes, he also get’s paid for it!! What a dream occupation, one can only imagine the number of applicants Goldfinger had when he advertised for that position in the paper. Odd Job is a very lucky man, and a happy man too I’m sure.

Jaws as Grumpy – I’d be grumpy too If I had the problems he does getting though those metal detectors at the airport, and having to duck your head everytime there’s a door way can’t be easy on the old stress level either. Jaws was able to take it all in his stride for a while, but eventually it all wore him down and he became very angry and violent. His only relief came from extreme sports; jumping out of planes, rowing off water falls, riding on the of cable lifts, participating in Mardi Gras. Thankfully, these dangerous stunts came to and end when he found love, and he’s been considerbly less grumpy since.

Nick Nack as Bashful – Bond with Mary Goodnight, Scaramanga with Andrea, JW Pepper with Mrs Pepper, M with Moneypenny (deleted scene), seems that all the fellas in The Man with the Golden Gun are getting some action, except for poor Nick Nack that is. And it’s not his hieght thats the problem, in this film not even a third nipple will turn the women off. Nick Nack definatly has the potential to be a devil with the ladies, but it is his bashfulness that prevents him from trying out a few of his famous pick up lines.

Baron Samedi as Sneezy – It’s not well known, but Voodoo Prince Baron Samedi used to have chronic hayfever. One sneeze and half his body paint flew off. It was getting to be quite a problem, so much so that he was perscribed mediaction. But later he, like so many others before him, got addicted and the results pretty much speak for themselves in Live and Let Die. C’mon, you all suspected as much, people don’t dance around, play flutes and laugh hysterically unless they are doped up on something. But on the plus side, he no longer has a sneezing problem.

Xenia as Sleepy – Okay, she’s not actually alseep, but she is in bed when she kills most of her victims, and that’s as close as I could get to having a logical explaintation for having someone in the ‘Sleepy’ role. Her thigh crushing capabilites would certainly come in handy in a tight situation, and while it may be a bit of a squeeze on Goldfingers henchman salary cap, the team would be hard pressed to win without her (I am a clever chap).

Vargus as Dopey – Perhaps he should be playing ‘Bashful’, since he shuns the limelight and isn’t near as famous as some of his colleages, but his total quietness, ineptness and inability more than earned him the position of Dopey. Look at his death scene, shot with a harpoon gun by the very person he’s trying to sneak up on, that sort of dopeiness can’t be taught, you ever have it you don’t, and Vargus definatly has it.

And now its eight vs. eight and the stage is set for the greatest battle of all time. James Bond and Pussy Galore in the red corner, Goldfinger and his seven henchmen in the blue. What was previously a one-sided dust up is now a promoters dream, the sort of battle that is certian to go down in history as one of the all time classics.

Until next time,

Freemo

Danger is Death, Sex is Life

It is quite often said that the third James Bond film Goldfinger, was the first to have all the Bond elements and essentials firmly set in place, Goldfinger is after all “the Bond film that has it all”. Personally I don’t think this is true, Bond films had it all right from the beginning, from the very first film, Doctor No. Sure, Doctor No may lack the gadgets and the special effects, but they are merely window dressing when it comes down to it. It is danger, sex, and humour that are the key elements of Bond, and this is made clear from the very beginning. Doctor No wasn’t for James Bond to find his feet, it was for James Bond to establish himself, and Doctor No gets it right first time. The danger, sex, and humour of the Bond world, and indeed Bond himself, is evident as much in this film as in any other.

Danger

Danger is the prospect of death, and death in Doctor No comes in many different shapes and forms. Perhaps the most dangerous form is the one that doesn’t suggest a threatening presence, the one that fades into the surroundings, the one that is forgotten after a quick glance. In Doctor No this would have to be the Three Blind Killers, unlikely assassins, but ruthless professionals. Chinese Negroes, disguised as blind beggars, The first beggar holding a stick in front to feel his way, the second beggar holding his stick to the first, and the third to the second. They don’t suggest a deadly presence; they are introduced to us with a silly, catchy song. They don’t hide in the shadows of a dark alley or dress in black; they shuffle along the dusty roads under the hot sun of Jamaica, wearing baseball caps and light clothes. But within two minutes they have causes complete and utter chaos, killing Stranways and his secretary, and stealing the files on “Crab Key” and “Doctor No” without any trace or clue to reveal they were ever there.

But in Doctor No, danger also appears in its more conventional assortments, like the spider that Professor Dent sneaks into Bonds hotel room. It’s all been fun and games up until this point, the chauffeur at the airport and the photographer never posed any threat to Bond, but since then Bond has been snooping around, and he’s getting a little too close for comfort to Doctor No. We know the spider is deadly without being told. Yeah, most spiders are, but Dent’s reluctance to pick it up, even though it is caged further enforces the point. All Dr No has to say is “Tonight”, nothing more. Now things are serious, and the closer that Bond gets to Doctor No the more large and apparent the signs of danger and death become. Look at the last form that danger takes before Bond meets Doctor No, that of a dragon. And we know that this dragon is a force to be reckoned with by the way Quarrel speaks of it. Infact the dragon kills Quarrel, making danger and death real rather than just a prospect, an illusion.

But the most dangerous obstacle in Bonds path is Doctor No himself, portrayed exceptionally well by Joseph Wiseman. Without looking to deeply, some may consider the Doctor to be a bland and uninspiring character; this is far from the case. One gets good insight into the type of man that Doctor No is, a man with talents who considers himself unappreciated, an intellectual who feels that he is surrounded by fools. He needs appreciation; he needs glory: to sustain his ego, his arrogance, if nothing else. He doesn’t care where he gets it from; he offered his services to both the West and the East, who are, for rejecting him, merely “fools” and “points on a compass”. Dr No is a superior brain, and thus a criminal brain because “Criminal brains are superior, they have to be”.

He is at first interested in Bond, intrigued by him, after all Bond a dangerous and clever man in his own right, we witness his execution of Professor Dent in clod blood, and see him step up is room so any trespassing can be detected. Look at the treatment Bond initially gets from the Doctor; nice room, new clothes, and treated to a first class dinner. Doctor No thinks that maybe he has found another like him. But he is to be disappointed, because Bond turns out not to his standards. “I prefer the 53 myself” Bond comments, a classic display of wit in the audiences’ minds, but not in Doctor No’s, he concludes that Bond is little more than “a stupid policeman whose luck has run out”.

Had Doctor No not been the first villain in the series he may very well be considered the best, the most sinister, the most diabolical. Unfortunately he stands behind Gert Frobe’s Goldfinger and a few others in those stakes, but when it comes to the title ‘Most dangerous’, Doctor No wins. Notice how Doctor No has no real henchman, no strong man to stand behind, to be protected by. Instead of an unbeatable strong man with an abnormality like the metal teeth of Jaws in he Spy who Loved Me, or the hook of Tee Hee in Live and Let Die, Doctor No himself is the one with the abnormality, his metal hands. And it’s worth noting that Doctor No and Bond fight one on one, man to man, how many over major Bond villains have done the same. Certainly Stromberg, Drax, or even Goldfinger couldn’t take Bond on single-handed. Doctor No loses, ofcourse, but he fights, to the death, and is a menacing and dangerous presence all the way. The danger of the Bond films was an element they got right first time.

Sex

If danger is death, then sex is life, since its result is the creation of. Look at the first four scenes of the film, the first scene with the Three Blind Killers involves danger, the second scene with Bond and Sylvia Trench is the promise of sex, the third scene with M is the promise of more danger, and the third scene at Bonds apartment with Sylvia involves sex. Danger and Sex are the two fundamental elements. Why? Because Bond is fantasy and it is fantasy to kill the villain (danger/death) and win the heart of the damsel in distress (sex/life).

Sex comes in three main forms in Doctor No, that of Sylvia Trench, Miss Taro, and Honey Rider. These three women are the formula of women that is evident in most of the 007 films. Sylvia Trench is the easy sex, the sex at the beginning that establishes the element of sex that will exist throughout the film. She implies that sex is a hobby, not unlike baccarat or golf, two hobbies of which Bond is also quite capable; we are given the impression that she has sex with quite a few men, and I don’t mean that in a demeaning way, rather in the way that Bond has sex with quite a few women. They merely crossed paths here. Many times this would be used again in Bond films. Ling in You Only Live Twice, Kimberley Jones in A View to a Kill, the Danish teacher in Tomorrow Never Dies and Dr Molly Warmflash in The World is Not Enough being prime examples.

Miss Taro is the evil sex, and although Bond is aware of the score, he is a willing participant. But although Bond is walking into a trap, he will never allow us to think that he is completely being fool. Bond always makes comments, drops hints, that he knows what’s really going on. “You did invite me ?” Bond askes Miss Taro when she is suprised to see him. Bond likes to watch the woman squirm and justify her actions, weave the web of lies. A similar attitude is also present in Diamonds Are Forever with Tiffany Case, “It’s lucky for me I ran into you” Bond says, but he doesn’t mean it. Bond will not let the woman feel that she has completed fooled him, out smarted him. Another point worth noting here is how Bond can separate this kind of sex from the other two, and in this can, makes the act of love making merely part of the job, no different than any other. Bond even glances at his watch, as if having sex with Miss Taro is merely to pass the time, as if it is no more significant than ringing for the car, or playing solitaire. If the easy sex is nothing but a hobby, then the evil sex is nothing but part of the mission, and sex that he takes little pleasure in it, and says as much in Thunderball after the scene with Fiona Volpe.

The third form of sex is evident in Honey Ryder, the “Bond girl”, an ally, friendly sex, but with her knife she also represents dangerous sex. This girl can handle herself don’t worry about that. She draws her knife quickly when Bond approaches her, without fumble or hesitation, like she has done many times before. “I promise I wont steal your shells” Bond assures her, “I promise you wont either” Honey replies. We don’t doubt that see may try and kill him, or that she may in fact succeed. She mentions to us that she has killed before, in a rather brutal manner, putting a black widow spider, “A female, they are the worst” under her landlords mosquito net, letting him die over a week. She was justified in her actions, but as Bond says, “Not something one should make a habit of”.

Ofcourse, we do see her vulnerable, scared and unsure also, in the scenes before and during the dinner with Doctor No, this is perhaps to fulfil her role of the “damsel in distress” in the fantasy. But she does display strength too, not wanting to leave Bond when he askes Doctor No to let her go. Honey Ryder is surely the prototype Bond girl, setting the standard for the leading ladys in the Bond films that have followed. The sex in Doctor No was an element that the producers got right first time.

Humour

Danger and Sex are the two natural elements; Humour is the artificial element, manufactured perhaps to make the story telling more appealing, but was so successful that it became an element in itself. Notice how the majority of the humour involves either danger/death or sex/life? “Make sure he doesn’t get away” Bond says to the guard at Government house, referring to Mr Jones, the dead chauffeur in the back seat. “I think they were on their way to a funeral” he remarks after the car that was chasing him goes up in flames. Both times enemies have died, and both times Bond himself has avoided a potentially dangerous situation. A witty comment breaks the tension, restores some normality, and perhaps softens the situation.

As for the humour in love scenes, this is perhaps purely for fun, comments that many of us would love to say ourselves but know we wouldn’t be able to get away with. “Look, no hand” he remarks when bedding Miss Taro. “No, I’m just looking” Bond replied with no hint of anything over than assuring Honey that he is not after her shells. Far more outrageous and humorous oneliners about villains demises and sexual encountered were quipped in the films that have followed, but the humour element in Doctor No is most enjoyable in it’s own right.

A Final Note

Perhaps the greatest example of the three elements (Danger, Sex, and Humour) at work is with the three endearing regular characters; M, Moneypenny, and Q. M is danger, the prospect of death, because when Bond is called to see M it’s because M has a mission for him, and a dangerous one no doubt. We know that Bond will never die, but the opportunity is there. The same goes for Bond and Moneypennys flirtatious bantering. Just as we know Bond will never die from a mission given to him by M, we know that Bond and Moneypenny will never have sex, she even says so herself, “flattery will get you nowhere, but don’t stop trying”, but the prospect, the possibility, is always implied.

The relationship between Bond and the third of the regulars, gadget master Q is also most interesting. Q is the hoity toity, old fashioned, school tie type, and Bond is the immature adolescent. Q is a genius with the revolutionary high tech gadgets he comes up with, gadgets that have saved Bond on many occasions, but Bond doesn’t care. He shows Q and his work no respect. Bond gets at Q with his humorous quips, making light Q and his gadgets, but Q holds his own, and quite often has the last word. It’s no wonder Q is loved by all. With M and Moneypenny in fine form from the beginning, it’s a pity Desmond Llewelyn wasn’t in Doctor No. But I consider him as an exceptional bonus in the other films, rather than a notable absence from Doctor No, because even without the endearing Q, Doctor No was the perfect beginning to what would soon prove to be the greatest film series of the all.

Mr Big's Crocodile Farm

In the James Bond films directed by Guy Hamilton, it was quite common for the villain to knock Bond out unconscious and then have him awaken in a strange and perhaps dangerous place, the “snake pit” device I think they call it. In Goldfinger 007 is hit with a tranquilizer and comes to in a plane with Pussy Galore pointing a gun at him, Diamonds Are Forever sees Connery get sprayed in the elevator and then awake to find himself in a pipeline conversing with a rat, and ofcourse in Live and Let Die, Tee Hee whacks Bond across the back of the head with his hook, and carries 007 over his shoulder all the way to Mr. Big’s Crocodile Farm.

If you holidayed in Louisiana any time between 1972 and 1998 and you didn’t take the opportunity to visit Mr. Big’s Crocodile Farm, then you should be taken out and beaten. Because during that period the Crocodile Farm was the premier tourist attraction in the state, and in many peoples minds the entire nation. There was so much to see and do, with “Feeding Time” being the particular highlight of the day, but there is also a relaxing atmosphere as you bask in the mid morning sun, keeping a careful eye out for anyone in the swamp that may consider you edible. Sure, it’s a risky venture, but so is a trip to the supermarket when you think about it. The difference with The Crocodile Farm was that anyone who lost a hand was provided with a hook, courtesy of the Farm, ensuring that there were no complaints. Until a few years ago that is, when the premises was set alight one too many times and was declared a fire risk by the local council. The Crocodile Farm was shut down, tourism to the region dropped 74%, and world domination seeking villains had lost their best “snake pit” situation to send Bond to.

But maybe it’s all for the best. The loss of the greatest “snake pit” of all forced the producers to admit the standard of the “snake pits” had been going downhill in recent times. It all started with A View to A Kill, Zorin just puts Bond in the Rolls Royce and pushes it in the river. And then in GoldenEye all Trevelyn can come up with is to tie Bond up inside the helicopter and have it shoot itself. It seems like the villains are getting lazy of late, not putting any creativity or energy into their “snake pits” anymore, and that’s a downright shame. Thankfully for them, I’ve come up with a few snake pit situations of my own, ones that even Guy Hamilton would be proud of…

A Bulls Roar: Bond awakens to find himself in the middle of a Bull Fighting ring in Spain. He is surrounded by herds of bulls and they are not happy. Why? Because the villain has stripped Bond naked, painted him red, and stapled a McDonalds logo to his behind. The angry bulls lower their horns and charge at Bond from all directions, lets see him get out of this one.

A Drop in the Ocean: Nusing his head, Bond wakes up to gentle rocking of water all around him. It seems that the villain has placed Bond in a life raft and left him in the middle of the Pacific Ocean. To make matters worse, the life raft has a puncture and is losing air fast. Bond must continuous blow air into the raft, while paddling with both hands to get to the nearest continent.

Problem Solver: Bond feels quite strange when he comes around, something isn’t quite right. Turns out it’s because he’s 14,000 feet above the air. “Goodbye Mr. Bond” the villain cries gleefully, suddenly pushing 007 out of the plane. Tumbling towards his death, all Bond has on him is a coat hanger, a pair of suspenders, and some chewing gum. Can he construct a parachute and glide to safety before it’s too late?

Love and Marriage: When Bond stirs, he is shocked to find that he’s in a village in Africa. What’s more, while he was unconscious, a wedding ceremony took place where Bond became married to the tribal chiefs ugliest daughter. Upon awakening, Bond is informed by the chief that if he so much as attempts to flee the village, the men of the tribe will spear him to death, hollow out his skull, and use it as a musical instrument.

The Ultimate: Regaining consciousness, Bond realises that he’s been tied to a chair. There is dynamite strapped all over him and the chair as well. Two burly commandos stand on either side of Bond, both holding machine guns. Surrounding them is a 12-foot circular moat ceeming with sharks and piranhas. Around the moat are six guards at equal intervals around the circle, each with rocket launchers aimed directly at Bond. All this, is right in the middle of 50 sq mile mind field. Good luck Mr. Bond.

Of all the “snake pit” situations Bond has been in, so far Mr. Bigs Crocodile Farm has come the closest to bringing him to his downfall. But perhaps one of these “snake pits”, if used by a world domination seeking maniac one day, could be the one that finished off 007 once and for all.

Until next time,

Freemo

The Swiss Connection

Everybody knows that when it comes to producing high quality watches, army knifes, cheese and bank accounts, the Swiss are miles ahead of the rest. But what allot of people who haven’t read You Only Live Twice (shame on you) don’t know is that James Bond is half Swiss, on his mothers side (and Scottish on his fathers side, but that’s not really relevant here). Had Bonds mother not died along with his father in a climbing accident when he was young, perhaps she would have encouraged her son to pursue a profession in one of the traditional Swiss dominating areas. With Swiss blood, Bond must have natural abilities in any field involving the aforementioned products. As good a spy that Bond is, he may infact be even better at army knife making or so forth, indeed 007 may be wasting his talents in the secret service, and would that be a down right shame.

To test this incredibly innovative theory (if I do say so myself, and I do), its worth taking a glance at occupations involving these four Swiss products and investigating how successful Bond would be in each of them. Perhaps the school careers adviser back at Eton should have suggested one of these areas to Bond as a possible career, then again perhaps not…

Swiss watchmaker – It’s common knowledge that there is a bloodthirsty rivalry between Switzerland and Russia when it comes to the art of watch and clock making. Remember that cocky Russian in From Russia With Love who made the rather dubious claim that Russian clocks are always correct? Didn’t you just want punch his head in? It makes one think that this long running war would make Bond, who has taken on the Russians on many a mission, feel right at home in field of time telling device construction. But I’m sure that once word of Bond previous spy exploits got around the Swiss watch making community, they would have him on the next plane to Russia on an undercover mission to steal watch blue prints and sabotage watch making operations, and Bond would find himself back in the world of espionage, if on a slightly different scale.

Swiss army knife assembler – The craft of army knife assembling required that utmost concentration. Many eyes, fingers and other body parts have been needlessly lost on the job due to the recklessness of inexperienced army knife makers. Would Bond suffer a similar fate? Would he crack under the pressure, mixing up the scissors with the screwdriver and forgetting to put in the corkscrew completely, or would he thrive on it? He has performed in similar high stakes positions before, like when he disarmed the nuclear device during The Spy Who Loved Me. But he’s getting old now and his memory isn’t what it once was, as seen recently in The World is Not Enough, forgetting his nuclear disarming capabilities. Employers would be therefore reluctant to take him on, fearing that he may also have a memory lapse when it comes his army knife constructing skills, and be forced to call upon the help of Dr Christmas Jones.

Swiss cheese producer – If you thought that Agent Under Fire was a good game, then imagine how much better it would have been if Bond was a cheese maker instead of a spy. But I’m afraid it’s not quite as simple as that. The skill of cheese making is something that can’t be taught, you either have if or you don’t, the question on everyone’s lips being “Does Bond have it?”. Yes, Bond did display a love for food in A View to a Kill when he made that omelette, but his close minded, juvenile expressions towards the sheep’s head served to him at the dinner table in Octopussy shows that he is an uncultured swine, and totally unworthy to socialize in the exclusive circle of the cheese making community. Perhaps there was a time in the mid 70’s when he would have been accepted, but certainly not now. Sorry if that sounds a little harsh, but that’s the way I feel and I can’t help that.

Swiss Banker – We’re going to use the profession of banker here because it makes for a far more interesting analysis than that of a bank manager or teller. If you remember, Bond was quite convincing as a banker in Tomorrow Never Dies, and he does seem to have quite a fascination for figures as shown in Octopussy, perhaps the number crunching world of a banker is where Bonds real talents lie. But as a banker, Bond may have to go head to head with other bankers, some who are just as evil and sinister as say Blofeld or Goldfinger, but don’t prematurely reveal the details of their diabolcal schemes. Sadly, It could prove too much for James Bond, who is accustomed to the more relaxing and easygoing lifestyle that a spy enjoys.

It would seem that only being half Swiss isn’t enough, and it’s just as well that Bond found his calling as a secret agent. Because as a secret agent he does his country proud, something he may not be able to say with the same certainty if he were an army knife maker or a banker. But then again, we have only covered the Swiss side of Bond, don’t forget, he is half Scottish as well. Perhaps he would fare better as a bagpipe tuner or a muffin maker, then again, perhaps not.

Until next time,

Freemo

Dedicated to army knife assemblers everywhere.