By Luke Freeman on 2003-02-14
Valentine’s Day. The day where the common man awakens before his alarm rings, so he can scamper off to the shops in a wild last minute rush to pick up some flowers and chocolates for his wife, or his girlfriend, or both if he should be so lucky. The day for giving and receiving love. The day, I think, for paying tribute to James Bonds appeal to the female sex, and the so called “conquests” that he has managed to notch up through the films. Contrary to popular belief, the secret to James Bonds romantic success isn’t in his looks, his clothes or his style. It’s all a matter of Bond setting the perfect mood. There are three important words you need to remember when making plans for a romantic evening: location, location, location. It’s the surroundings that make the ladies go crazy over Bond, not his ruthlessness or his charm, and on this day of all things related to the heart, we take a look at three of the hottest love spots seen in the James Bond series.
George Lazenby’s Luv Shack
The red lettering on the top of the wall indicates that the official name of Blofeld’s Health Clinic is “Piz Gloria”, but many fans know the clinic high up in the Swiss alps better as “George Lazenby’s Luv Shack”. The views are breathtaking, and if not for the cable car, you’d be completely cut off from the rest of civilisation/ There are a dozen patients involved in the allergy research at the clinic, and they are all beautiful girls that Bond wouldn’t mind getting better aquatinted with. Even though his undercover as a genealogist, trading his tuxedo in for frills and a kilt, he still manages to bed three of the lovely ladies, and probably would soon have been able to tick all twelve off his checklist if Blofeld hadn’t seen though his clever disguise (for ‘clever disguise’, read ‘a pair of glasses’, a pair of glasses that he doesn’t even wear when he and Blofeld first meet up). “9 o’clock”, “10 o’clock” and “11 o’clock” are left with fond memories of the kilt wearing, pipe smoking “Hilly”, while the other nine girls have no idea what they have missed, having to be content with instead being hypnotised and helping Blofeld hold the world to ransom. Still, George did manage three whilst up in his “Luv Shack”, with his future bride Tracy bringing the total up to four. This gave George Lazenby, in On Her Majesty’s Service and his only 007 film, the record for the most love in a single film. Even Connery at his peak in Thunderball, could only manage to woo three, Patricia Fearling, Fiona Volpe and Domino Derval.
Sean Connery’s Bachelor Pads
Connery was furious when he heard that Lazenby had beaten his record. He didn’t fancy being “one upped by the new guy and desperately wanted to reclaim his title. So much so, that he was willing to return for the next film, Diamonds Are Forever, for a paycheck of a mere gallizion dollars. He even rents a nice hotel room at the Tropicana Hotel, and luxury suite at the Whyte House, two prime bachelor pads, with hopes of regaining his crown and bedding as many as five Bond girls. But Connery underestimated the challenge, the now fat, lazy, unfit, poor excuse for a spy barely managing to waddle his way into bed for one exhausting romp with Tiffany Case. To be fair, those funeral parlour gangsters preventing him from increasing the tally to two by throwing Plenty O’Toole out the window just when he had gotten her down to her undies. You could see that Connery was tempted to jump out the window after her, but he knew that in his condition he would probably have sunk to the bottom of pool like a rock. The luxury suite at the Whyte house is the pick of the two bachelor pads, it boasts a water bed full of fish, and a guard at each door to make sure you’re not disturbed.
Roger Moore and the Spa Bath of Youth
It may not have been his greatest James Bond film, but in A View to a Kill Roger Moore showed us that life begins at 57. He may have needed a combination of walking frames and stuntmen to stagger his way though the action scenes, but when it came to the steamy hot tub scenes, Roger’s youth and powers were restored and he once again proved that nobody does it better. The hot tub rejuvenates Moore and he and Pola Ivanova are ready to “rock and roll” the music playing in the background and the Asian decor of the room are all that’s needed to create the perfect setting for an unforgettable evening. But to be fair to Roger, we can’t put it all down to the location this time. Not only does Bond make love in a spa bath, he uses an iceberg submarine, a shower and even a bed as other places for introducing new ladies to the “Bond girl” club. So I guess, while the location is important to the success of a romantic evening, sometimes it takes a little Roger Moore style charisma, sometimes it just takes for you to let your better half (or if your a woman, worse half) how much they really mean to you. So say it with flowers and chocolates and kisses folks.
Until next time,
Freemo
