CommanderBond.net
  1. The 007th Chapter: The Spy Who Loved Me – Come Into My Parlour

    A literary meditation by Jacques Stewart

     

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    I found what follows knifed into my cranium one morning. As you will see, it appears to be the first person story of a young woman (it’s in the interests of keeping a consistent number of testicles to write “young”), evidently beautiful (and in the interests of my lovely, lovely face) and not unskilled in the arts of love (and of the joint account). According to her story, she appears to have been involved, both perilously and romantically (but mostly perilously), with the same Jacques Stewart whose pointless exploits I myself have written from time to time. With the manuscript was a note signed (in my blood) ‘Mrs Jeem’, assuring me that what she had written was ‘purest truth and from the depths of her heart; take out the bins and deworm the dog’. I was interested in this view of Ian Flemeeeeng, through the wrong end of the telescope so to speak, and after obtaining clearance for certain minor infringements of domestic bliss, I have much pleasure in sponsoring its publication, otherwise she’ll make me sleep in the boathouse once again and its roof leaks.

     

    Send help.

     

    JS.

     

     

     

    ‘Allo. 

     

    Fnarr! Ten-line sentences! Ees what ma ‘usband does, ees eet not? Believe eet, talking to ‘eem is worse. I theenk ‘e breathes through ‘is plump skeen, jibber-jabber-jibber-jabber-bluh-bluh-bluh in that dialect of ‘is. Shaddap you face! Pigliainculo! We of Napoli can talk, but ‘e takes – as ‘e would say –  the sheety biscuit. Not that ‘e is allowed biscuits, the fat ‘ippo; ‘e ‘as to lose twenny pound, figlio di puttana. I know, I know, ‘e would say the easy way to do that is to give me money for shoes. Is “man” (!) who theenks shoes cost twenny pound. 

     

    Stronzo!

     

    What does ‘e mean, “wrong end of the telescope”? I’ve seen ‘is telescope. Need telescope to see eet. Piccolo. ‘E likes James Bond. Is bambino, ‘asn’t grown up. Is path-et-eeec, no? Thees James Bond, ‘e marry a di Vicenza, no? She mad, she die, ees good: northern slurt. 

     

    [Mrs Jim interjects: Ectually, although Italian by birth, I (was) moved to England at three years of age and raised in East Sussex. I have no discernable accent affecting my pronunciation and certainly nothing like the preposterous depiction here. If anything, my English accent corrupts my Italian.  My professional letterhead doesn’t read “screeching blowsy fishwife psychopath cliché” but rather “consultant surgical oncologist”. I appreciate, however, that this nonsense is about an Ian Fleming novel, so cohering with the style I must adopt heightened characteristics and a farcically impenetrable, offensive manner of speaking so that the reader appreciates that I am “foreign”. I am fond of shoes, though. And swearing. As for persons of the Veneto: no strong feelings. If they stay out of my way, I stay out of theirs.]

     

    So, I do review-a. Thees Vivienne Michel – mignotta. End. Fine. Ciao!

     

    ‘As to be longer? Perche? Ma ‘usband makes ees longer? Is eet to compensate? 

     

    Part One: Mi

     

    “I was running away”. Along with creetics, leetle-boy Bond fans and readers wan’ing good time (testa di cazzo! Not that-a sort-a good time). I don’t theenk woman, she writes eet. I theenk eet ees Ian Flemeeeeng in slurt’s dress and whore’s shoes (twenny pound). Ees man who pretends to be woman, like ma ‘usband does when ‘e theenks I’m no in ‘ouse. What is thees – Silence of Lamb? Non mi rompere il coglioni! Man should be man. Was ‘e at Eeeeeeeton? Ah! Explains eet. Mamma knew. Mamma said. If it wasn’t for the keeeds…

     

    What-a can I tell you about-a my life? I was born in Napoli brothel to meeeeserable whore with ‘eart of lead and Latvian – how you say eet? – stevadore with an ‘ump. We were poor, but we weren’t ‘appy. I ‘ad to eat fish’eads until I was eight-a and then we shot-a the dog. I was urchina bella, stealing kerchiefs and inexplicably breaking into song and dance routines despite rickets and diurnal cholera outbreaks. Dio mio! And then wicked theatre producer, ‘e found me and put me in ees girlie show and [insert-a Tiffany Case life story…’ere. When done, insert-a Vivienne Michel life story where you goddamn-a like; I no judge you]. And now I am ‘ere, bird with a weeng down, feeeedled-with in cinema non-paradiso by thees Derek feelth and rejected by Aryan ‘omophobe and ridin’ my Vespa all a-carefree and leathered-up and alone which eeesn’t very wise for a veeectim of abuse at the rough ‘ands of men, save as moist sleaze fantasy by thees Ian Flemeeeeng. ‘As she not seen Psycho? 

     

    [A consultant surgical oncologist writes: Me accent’s slipping. Manchester? Liverpool? (Where?) No: ‘Ove. Sorry, darling – Hhhhhhove. Horrible Hairy Hove Hhhhhhaberdashhhhery. None of the above is true. My parents were doctors. I have never owned a Vespa. Like motorbikes, their only benefit is as a guarantee of imminent organ donation. I drive a Maserati. No, I aim a Masterati.  It weeds out the weaker cars. I don’t believe I know a Derek – one doesn’t mix with the teaching classes – but you’d be surprised at the number of Aryan ‘omophobes one encounters in Hhhhhenley-on-Thames. Usually trying to get my vote]

     

    Part Two: Them

     

    When all thees ‘appens, eet ees Friday 13th. Ees no subtle, no? Ees like pulp gangster tale. Ees not very good pulp gangster tale. She gonna be raped! She just victeeeem. She a-knows she ees victeeeem. She prisoner of dirty old-a man in ‘er ‘ead. Thees Flemeeeeng, ees bad-toothed stinkeeng alcoholic middle-aged “man” tryin’ to get into body of young woman. Ees peeg! If he write eet today, bad man pretend to be young woman on eenternet and ‘e get-a locked up with other bad men and become rottinculo. This a-Flemeeeeng, he just a-drool, old-a cazzone. Bastardo!

     

    Ees a gum-shoe novel, but in bad-a shoes. 

     

    Knock-a knock-a. 

    continue reading…

    Helmut Schierer @ 2015-01-27
  2. The 007th Chapter: Thunderball – Fasten Your Lap-Strap

    A literary meditation by Jacques Stewart

     

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    Based on an original screen treatment by Jacques Stewart and two strapping young chaps he met in the pub. Several pints of wine later, he can’t recall who suggested what, officer, but once you’ve struggled to the end, you’ll know they won’t sue for credit. Defamation, perhaps.

     

    Datedly jiggerscreeched at the outset of many a DVD:

     

    You wouldn’t steal a car. Correct. That’s not “couldn’t”, so presumably it’s not a challenge. I wouldn’t steal two nuclear bombs either (he writes, attempting to discipline this drivel). As for “couldn’t”, that’s for me to know and for you to find out.  Top tip: stock up on tinned food before 29 August 1997. No, that hasn’t been and gone; you were told that by The Man and chose to believe it because “they” fed you distracting consumerist pleasures. If the views dripsneered onto message boards establish a date by spot-testing social mores of the age, it’s currently June 1959.

     

    You wouldn’t steal a handbag. True again! Oh, how you know me. You complete me. I love you.

     

    You wouldn’t steal a television. Spooky now.

     

    You wouldn’t steal a movie. Well, not so much steal as sorta borrow it. Don’t worry, nobody really minds. Trust to luck that the same nobody notices.

     

    Unfortunately, despite clever hiding of it in the next hugely anticipated adventure of the singlemost culturally significant fictional character of the twentieth century, “notice” is what they did. “Mind”, too. James Bond did not believe in luck, we are told. Ian Fleming patently didn’t believe in good judgment, save for the one handed down that accelerated his demise. Did he learn his lesson? The Spy Who Loved Me suggests not: he pinched that from a “Vivienne Michel”, although she wisely kept quiet and chose instead to pursue a more rewarding career as a motel nymph.

     

    Hindsight rendering the question a fat lot of use, but it’s questionable whether the Thunderball litigation was interested in preserving the sanctity of contribution per se or rather the incredible opportunity that presented itself to secure rights to the tale as a springboard for the ancillary cash graspable in selling toys and “lifestyle” tat; worth suing for. “Exploitation of intellectual property” rarely had a rawer example. It’s difficult to regard Never Say Never Again as bettering the cultural stock of the human experience, ars gratia artis and all that, but squeezing the golden thunderballs at our expense made someone rich and kept shareholders and pension funds all smiles. Doubtless – and indeed, legally – those promulgating the case were entitled to do so, just as I’m legally entitled to unblock a toilet with my bare hands, although exercising such entitlement seems grubby.

     

    This is in obvious contrast to the altruistic fluffiness of Danjaq, a charitable enterprise of greater benevolence than a rest home for insufficiently wounded kittens.

     

    It’ll be on the litigious side of unwise to comment – even within a facetious piece – about who did what to whom because a ) there’s probably still someone kicking around with a stake in the outcome of the Thunderball trial and b ) rich people squabbling about who gets to relieve us of yet more money is unedifying. The case’s legacy is mixed: the brace of films it spawned are peerless, at differing ends of that scale, although it seems that Blofeld could now appear in future Eon films. Given their previous loon-based depiction of him, and multiple parodies since, it’s moot why the Broccoli factory would want to reintroduce his roundly-mocked persona to disrupt the current balance of begloomed despair, peevish insubordination, a half-naked  drunk and a M named Gareth. Possible that the implausibility of The Cackling Wig O’Skyfall buttered us up for insertion of Ernst.  It wouldn’t be our first time, either, although it strikes me that making Silva an information exploiter shoots Blofeld’s bolt, unless there’s opportunity to pick up the Skyfall plot thread of the leaking of British agents’ names, mysteriously abandoned half way through in favour of Grab a Granny.

     

    The spavined whining about recent Bond ripping off Bourne forgets that Bond’s most successful film, pre-rebooting, was itself spawned of a rip-off. Perhaps that’s what the film-makers mean when they umpteenthly claim they’re “going back to Fleming”. “Perhaps”. Choppy waters, and dangerous to stay in too long: the sharks, they circle. Query whether Thunderball should even come into an exercise of finding the core of a Fleming Bond, if it’s not all his own work. It might be a diversion to try to work out what’s plainly him and what’s more doubtful. Whilst the idea of (say) SPECTRE could be the result of collaborative work (don’t know and don’t care, in equal measure), the articulation of the ideas one assumes is his alone otherwise Blofeld sharing Fleming’s birthdate and his antipathy towards Germans is one mother of a coincidence.

    continue reading…

    Helmut Schierer @ 2015-01-20
  3. Shooting “SPECTRE” – Clapperboard 2

    And they´re back!  In Austria.

     

    Stefan Rogall @ 2015-01-06
  4. Merry Xmas from CommanderBond.net

    CBn Xmas 2014

    Heiko Baumann @ 2014-12-24
  5. Belvedere Vodka: The Launch

    As we’ve learned over the past couple of days, there’s a new ingredient in Bond’s Vesper Martini: Polish vodka.

    It’s good news all round as luxury, rye-based Belvedere replaces bargain bucket Smirnoff in 007’s signature drink. This week, A rainy Covent Garden heralded the start of the new partnership between luxury powerhouse LVMH and Eon Productions. The Bond in Motion exhibition looked suitably chic; bedecked in lit “silver sabre” magnums of the spirit, the Martinis were shaken or stirred to your preference and the music pumped out to the suited & booted/befrocked of London. Tinie Tempah was on the decks, but he seemed normal sized and in fine fettle.

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    Special Editions: 007 Silver Sabre & MI6 Edition

    CommanderBond.net, however, first learned of the change not in an underground bunker filled with 007’s rides (vehicular, mind), but in a very exclusive members’ club down a very anonymous street the day previous; a low key setting with an intrinsic link to the Bond universe. We can’t say more than that – as it was all very hush-hush – but suffice it to say it was the perfect surrounding in which to learn a bit more about Bond’s new tipple.

    A select few of us were ushered in to the private bar to meet Belvedere boffin and in-house mixologist Claire Smith (@belvedereclaire) who taught us all about the subtle variations and myriad options available when ordering a Martini; we were introduced us to their “reversed Vesper” in which the measures of gin to vodka are switched to create a smoother, vodka-centric drink; and after we had our fill, we sat down with Charles Gibb (@presbelve), the softly spoken President of Belvedere, who described the partnership as “the largest [they] have ever undertaken.” Mr Gibb went on to outline extensive plans that include worldwide advertising and public relations campaigns, a large social media presence, various promotions and events in bars, nightclubs and stores & the unveiling of two limited edition bottles.

    You’ve probably read all about them by now, but let’s re-iterate anyway: the first has a very limited run of 100, it features the SIS headquarters in place of the Belweder Palace and features green detailing in place of the usual blue – in homage to Captain Sir George Mansfield Smith Cumming’s choice of green ink when initialling documents with his initial “C” (and quite frankly, with that compendium of names, who can blame him using only one letter?). The second edition is the 007 “Silver Sabre”, an LED-luminated silver bottle with laser-etched Bondian details. It does look rather sexy in low light (we can say from first hand experience).

    Bartenders & cocktail purists around the world will agree that the newest ingredient in the Vesper Martini is certainly a step up from what has gone before and should prove a much welcomed boost to Belvedere’s profile worldwide. Mr Gibb, going into greater detail about the newly minted relationship with 007 said “it’s all about synergies when you’re looking at any partnership: Bond is a man of taste, a man of distinction, of style and substance and we’re a vodka of authenticity, of heritage. We like to say we’re a vodka for those who know the difference.”

    Amen, Mr Gibb – mine’s a reversed Vesper.

    @mrpauldunphy @ 2014-12-18
  6. Belvedere announces partnership with James Bond

    PRESS RELEASE – DECEMBER 16 2014,
    LONDON, UK

    Belvedere, the world’s original luxury vodka, is delighted to collaborate with Albert R. Broccoli’s EON Productions, Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer Studios, and Sony Pictures Entertainment to promote SPECTRE, the highly anticipated 24th installment of the James Bond series, due for global release on November 6, 2015.

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    Limited Edition Belvedere Bottle 1/100

    Belvedere will release two custom made, limited edition bottles to celebrate Bond’s vodka martini ‘Shaken not Stirred’, and its partnership with the 24th Bond adventure, SPECTRE. In an unprecedented move, Belvedere has replaced the iconic Belvedere Palace with the famous MI6 headquarters. Belvedere’s signature blue palette will be switched for a distinctive green, mirroring the secret spy agency’s ink of choice, creating a truly memorable collector’s edition of 100 bottles. A 007 twist will also be applied to Belvedere’s iconic Silver Sabre bottles, known for their cutting edge, metallic aesthetic and illuminating technology.

     

    Belvedere’s SPECTRE marketing program will include a global advertising campaign and a wide range of promotion and activation rights around the film. The marketing campaign will be launched as of February 2015, with a strong focus of efforts in on-premise establishments and retail stores across multiple countries. Belvedere is the vodka of choice for tastemakers who Know the Difference, echoing the award-winning campaign promoting knowledgeable choices.

    President of Belvedere Vodka, Charles Gibb states: “James Bond is recognised as the most admired and influential tastemaker in the world. We’re delighted that Belvedere will be partnering with SPECTRE, our largest global partnership to date.”

    Dwight Caines, president of Theatrical Marketing for Sony Pictures, said: “James Bond’s cool attitude and stylish sophistication have always gone hand-in-hand with his choice of vodka martini. Belvedere is a perfect match.”

    Excellent choice, Mr. Bond

    CommanderBond.net attended the official launch party in Covent Garden, London. More to follow.

    @mrpauldunphy @ 2014-12-16
  7. Joint statement by James Bond fansite editors

     

    Regarding the leaking of the confidential SONY PICTURES ENTERTAINMENT correspondence and ‘SPECTRE’ script drafts 

     

    As editors of the websites ‘James Bond Brasil’ (www.jamesbondbrasil.com), ‘James Bond-magasinet’ (www.jamesbondnorge.no), ‘The Bond Bulletin’ (thebondbulletin.blogspot.de) as well as the James Bond Club Germany (www.james-bond-club.de), we, Marcos Kontze, Morten Steingrimsen, Benjamin Lind and Andreas Pott wish to state, that we will not publish or write about any information that has been circulating in media and on the web, and has been illegally obtained from Sony Pictures Entertainment in the recent hacker attack.

     

    Furthermore, we refuse to comment on the content and nature of the above mentioned informations, to divulge this content in any form or respond to any queries regarding to it.

     

    The intention of our websites and the content published within is to inform other Bond Fans about current developments, events and stories from the James Bond universe and not to damage the people who put a lot of work and effort into the making of the Bond Films that we all love and admire. We feel that enough damage and disrespect has been done and sincerely wish Sony Pictures Entertainment, MGM and EON Productions that a swift resolution of the matter can be achieved.

     

    Marcos Kontze – Editor, ‘James Bond Brasil’

     

    Morten Steingrimsen – Editor, ‘James Bond-magasinet’

     

    Benjamin Lind – Editor, ‘The Bond Bulletin’ & ‘Adviser of James Bond Club Germany’

     

    Andreas Pott – President of ‘James Bond Club Deutschland’

     

    The team of CommanderBond.net hereby supports the spirit of this initiative. Crew and members of our site appeal to the loyalty of all Bond fans to the series to do likewise.

     

    David Winter – Editor of ‘CommanderBond.net’

     

    The initiative is also supported by the Swiss Fan Club ‘James Bond Club Schweiz’

     

    Markus Hartmann – President of ‘James Bond Club Schweiz’

     

    Helmut Schierer @ 2014-12-14
  8. Important EON Productions statement on SPECTRE

    EON PRODUCTIONS, the producers of the James Bond films, learned this morning that an early version of the screenplay for the new Bond film SPECTRE is amongst the material stolen and illegally made public by hackers who infiltrated the Sony Pictures Entertainment computer system.
    Eon Productions is concerned that third parties who have received the stolen screenplay may seek to publish it or its contents. The screenplay for SPECTRE is the confidential information of Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer Studios and Danjaq, LLC, and is protected by the laws of copyright in the United Kingdom and around the world. It may not (in whole or in part) be published, reproduced, disseminated or otherwise utilised by anyone who obtains a copy of it. Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer Studios and Danjaq LLC will take all necessary steps to protect their rights against the persons who stole the screenplay, and against anyone who makes infringing uses of it or attempts to take commercial advantage of confidential property it knows to be stolen.

     

    http://www.007.com/statement-on-spectre/

    Helmut Schierer @ 2014-12-14
  9. Shooting “SPECTRE” – Day One

    Although there are several reports that “Spectre” had already started shooting with a few days in Morocco, today, December 8th, marks the official start of principal photography.

    And here is, what we hope will be updated with more photos regularly, the first clapper (and a little hint?):

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    Bond´s office?

    Stefan Rogall @ 2014-12-08
  10. fvQoT2A

    BOND 24 is called “SPECTRE”

    The official press release:

    James Bond returns next year in SPECTRE. Announced today at Pinewood Studios by Director Sam Mendes, returning cast members Daniel Craig, Ralph Fiennes, Ben Whishaw, Naomie Harris and Rory Kinnear will be joined by Christoph Waltz, Léa Seydoux, Monica Bellucci, David Bautista and Andrew Scott. Locations for SPECTRE will include Pinewood London, Mexico City, Rome, Tangier and Erfoud, Morocco. Bond is also back in the snow, this time in Sölden, Austria as well as other locations Obertilliach and Lake Altausee. The 24th Bond outing will also see a brand new Aston Martin designed specially for this film, called the DB10. SPECTRE is out on 6th November 2015.

     

    The official teaser poster:

     

    Spectre_onesheet-691x1024

    Stefan Rogall @ 2014-12-04
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