By Luke Freeman on 2002-05-31
Did you know that Odd Job was in an episode of Gilligans Island? Ofcourse the actor Harold Sakata wasn’t playing Odd Job, but he was there, as the assistant of a Game Hunter who was trying to shoot Gilligan. Jaws, aka Richard Kiel has also been on the show, pretended to be a ghost to scare the wits out of the skipper. Frankly, that’s enough for me to devote an entire article to the show, but Bond style ofcourse. Imagine, if you will, a Gilligan’s Island type scenario featuring all our favorite Bond characters. James Bond and six of his friends take the SS Minnow on a three hour tour (a three hour tour), and end up stranded on a uncharted desert isle. Would the Bond characters get along any better than their famous television counterparts?
But to make things interesting, lets add another element to proceeding. Castaway style television shows are all the rage at the moment, and in all of them a person gets voted off by the others every week, usually for being annoying, clashing with other castaways personally, or just for having smelly socks. The last person left on the island is declared the winner and gets to enjoy all the spoils. Unfortunatly, the guys and gals at EON are probably never going to make a castaway style Bond film, and I can’t see Raymond Benson obliging and writing a Bond desert island novel, so the closest we’re going to get to finding out which character would win such a contest is right here.
For this historical event, the seven characters stranded on the tropical paradise are James Bond, Jack Wade, Goldfinger, Pussy Galore, Felix Lieter, Q and Blofeld. One person is voted off each week and the last person wins enough money to buy the island. Now the question on the lips of everyone around the world is “Who would win?”. Well, there’s not way of knowing for certain, but here’s how I rate evryones chances…
James Bond (as Gilligan): Ofcourse, our favorite British Spy would take the starring role, swapping his tuxedo and Walther PPK for some first-mate clobber and a floppy hat. At a glance, Bond appears to be the ideal candidate, strong, healthy, been in many tougher situations before, you would think he’d be a pretty good chance of winning. But on an island for weeks without any vodka martinis or cigarettes, the star of secret agents could go crazy. Perhaps his most difficult mission yet, but he’s never failed before. Odds: 3/1.
Jack Wade (as the Skipper): I know that Jack Wade, the Hawaiian shirt wearing, wife swapping, gum chewing, unprofessional CIA agent goes down in history as one of the least popular characters of the 007 film world. But he’s the only one with the required ‘carriage’ needed to pass off as the Skipper. Although perhaps in this case with would be the Skipper and not Gilligan who inadvertently ruins the rescue opportunity each week. He’s likely to be voted off early, angrying members by snoozing on his hammock when he’s supposed to be building the shelter, and frightening them by sun baking naked. Odds: 50/1.
Goldfinger (as the Millionaire): Who else but the very greedy yet extremely quotable Goldfinger could play the millionaire? We know how much capital means to the gold loving one, if he keeps his eyes on the prize he could be a real chance to take home the booty. If he can somehow sneak a few cans of gold paint on to the island then the prize money is as good as his. Some may say that lack of fitness could be a problem, but with money on the line, he’s a better chance than most. Odds: 4/1
Pussy Galore (as the Millionaires Wife): Miss Galore is an excellent pilot, which would be handy if there was a plane on the island, but there isn’t so it’s actually pretty useless when you think about. But, as we’ve seen she has an “appreciation” for both boys and girls (she bats for both teams, if you know what I mean), meaning she could get it on with anyone and everyone on the island and form some powerful Survivor style alliances. Could be a real chance. Odds: 3/1
Felix Lieter (as the Movie Star): I’ve given the movie star role to Felix Lieter in honour of all the actors who have played the chameleon of the CIA (and later DEA apparently) over the years. Played by seven different actors, we could of made a Gilligan’s Island exclusively using Felix Lieter’s. Unfortunatly, because of his frequent appearance changing, it would be difficult for him to form alliances, since the other castmates would have difficulty recognizing the poor sod. It could be “Say goodbye to Felix” very early on. Odds: 8/1.
Q (as the Professor): The hoity toity gadget master who made exploding key chains, magnet watches, armed Aston Martins and that little robotic dog would have no problem putting together a coconut radio, and possibly a coconut television as well. A value member of the team, the other castaways would probably be willing to put up with his high pitched “pay attentions” because of all the cool gadgets and gizmos he makes. The real darkhorse of the competition. Odds: 4/1.
Charles Grey’s Blofeld (as Mary Ann): Well, Blofeld did look quite convincing in drag in Diamonds Are Forever, so I think he earns the right to try and pass off as a female on the island. But since the castaway number is a maximum of seven, Blofeld would have to leave his (sorry, I mean her) beloved feline back home. Could absence from his pussy (as in cat, you people sicken me) prove a disadvantage to Blofeld? Bet on at your own risk. 9/1.
And that ladies and gentlemen, is the blueprint for an island castaway contest that would put all those television reality shows to miserable shame. For the moment we’ll just have to use our imaginations, but maybe someday, some magical day, we’ll get to see Bond style Gilligans Island on the big screen, and finally, the age old question that millions have been trying to answer for generations, “Which Bond character would win a Survivor Contest?” will finally be answered.
Until next time,
Freemo