1. The CBn Dossier, September '06

    By Jim on 2006-09-30

    Jacques Stewart

    Welcome to the September 2006 CBn Dossier, a wrap-up of all the James Bond 007 news and rumours for the month. In this month’s column, we’ll be covering all the latest news regarding the upcoming release of Casino Royale, Bond 22, updates here on CBn, and much more.

    This month’s CBn Dossier is delivered by Jim. He has seen diamonds cut through harder men than you. He has also seen Breakin’ 2: Electric Boogaloo.

    Careless Whispers of Love and Hate

    As the month began, and as Casino Royale, comes ever closer, Bond 22 drifted just that little bit further away.

    One can speculate why this should be; the favourite theory is that Roger Michell, overrampagingly hot tip as director, backed out. There’s also Daniel Craig’s extremely busy schedule and the probable reality that “they” are waiting to see how Casino Royale, goes down with the audience. There are other more scandalous truths and we could tell you, but then we would have to kill you.

    Well, we don’t actually have to; but we might choose to. Everyone must get their jollies somehow.

    Still, it’s now looking like November 2008 for Bond 22. Or Bond v2.2. Or whatever it’s meant to be called. “Talking” of which…

    Bond 22 – a.k.a….

    Amongst the usual fun and larfs that is the CBn fora, with anonymous usernames telling all what they have been listening to, or what they are digesting into waste matter, or speculating about what Daniel Craig may be doing at that very minute (and given the worldwide reach of CBn, at any individual minute a member speculates, he may well be releasing a chocolate hostage; treasure that thought my lovelies), one of the many ooh chilli-hot topics is the mass debate about the title of Bond 22.

    Current speculation as to Bond Two Two runs as follows:

    Bond Tutu – James Bond goes undercover at the Bolshoi as the Archbishop of Cape Town. Stars Catherine Deneuve as Desmond Tutu and Brian Blessed as, oh I dunno, let’s say Heidi.

    Bond 22: Two Little Ducks – following the trend of changing the Casino Royale, card game, in the intense follow-up, Bond finds himself challenged to a high-stakes game of Bingo by the merciless killer Colonel Apocalypse. Played by Dido or someone equally vile.

    Bernard the Film.

    Ok, so this admits we have no idea. When we do, we’ll tell you. Until then, assume that we don’t know and it will probably be called Valerie.

    You Know My Name

    And my name is “what the Hell is that supposed to be?”.

    Pokemon Theme Lea…Casino Royale Theme Leaked!

    I’m sure that it will all make perfect sense in due course, and doubtless I am very, very old, but it’s all a bit of a row and a little disappointing. If you need the words “This is an OPINION” stamped over this column in mile-high letters, then just imagine that they are. Cope.

    But it appears that the majority view is that it is, at the very least, OK. Shows what I know. In due course I may learn to like it.

    “Yes. Considerably.”

    The second (query whether final) Casino Royale, trailer seems to have gone down very well amongst the CBn populace (when distracting themselves away from important matters such as “What colour is your brain?”). Some dialogue about bottoms, some things going bang and whizz, a choir going a bit mentalist and some traditionally, reassuringly awful dialogue for The Dench – all shaping up nicely.

    It’s going to make an absolute shedload, isn’t it? There are a number of reasons for this, but one of the main ones is because of who is in it. Not old Blondy Cragface, but…

    The Insider

    CBn forum member erniecureo was … well, read all about it here.

    Amazing story, and a real insight into how these films are made.

    And he’s in the trailer.

    I have accepted my foaming jealousy and moved on.




    42-Hour Bond Marathon is on!

    The Empire Bondathon

    There have been shorter wars.

    You Know My Name, part two.

    Nope, still not too sure about it, but those opening chords are quite eventful.

    Here’s some tat that you can buy; hooray!

    Divest yourself of some money you would otherwise use to feed, clothe and house yourself, on some of this stuff. Credit card debt’s such a winning look, don’t you think?

    When you stare into the eyes of yet another fly-blown East African child, feel good that you bought this and that you have used your life wisely and unselfishly. Well done you.

    Have a badge.

    Pope Catholic. Water wet. And other assorted scandals.

    News reached CBn this month that Sony will be using Casino Royale to push some of its lovely consumer goods to potential consumers.

    Not that product placement has ever been absent from the Bond series – large chunks of the past decade has been adverts we have paid to watch – so this is hardly news. Even if it does appear to be a teensy bit grubby. Still, what do we know – we’re just the poor saps who pay for this stuff. James Bond uses this grotty laptop, so buy this laptop and you are immediately transformed into James Bond. That sort of rubbish.

    Ain’t It Cool? (Is that actually English? I despair)

    The website of a fat ginger person seems to have gained entry to an early screening of Casino Royale, and inevitably this appeared on the internet merely moments after it all happened – see here.

    I haven’t bothered reading this myself, largely because I can quite live without the overabundance of exclamation marks common to that site!!!!!!??!! But some may find it of interest. Such as Eon’s trained killers.

    Mr Owen says something potentially provocative, the scamp.

    Full story here.

    Whatever can he mean? And to whom could he be referring? Whilst you’re reading the next paragraph, I will retire and have a bit of a think.

    Mr Brosnan wins something-or-other.

    The Irish Film Academy (new to us too) awarded Pierce Brosnan a lifetime membership this month.

    Giddy as a schoolgirl and doubtless barely able to contain his glee, Malibu resident Mr Brosnan expressed thanks and in so doing expressed that he “can only hope that this will lead to the inspiration of future artistic generations to go forth within their time and place in history, fearless with desire”.

    Answers on a postcard please as to quite what that actually means.

    Mr Owen’s comment

    Nope. Still no idea who he’s talking about.

    Speculation – here.

    Old Bonds, Big Screens

    During the month there have been a number of screenings around the world of Bond films – for example GoldenEye, with some attended by Bond stars. Keep your eyes peeled (that’s a really unpleasant image, innit?) for other events by checking the CBn main page calendar.

    You Know My Name – part three

    Why does he start shrieking at the end? Is this a fashionable thing to do? Is it a necessary thing to do? Please help me; I feel suddenly decrepit.

    The Pod Squad

    The CBn Podcast continues to grow in popularity; the latest edition is available to download here. Many thanks to Rich Douglas for his music and to all who give up their time to produce something that continues to gather new subscribers as quickly as Apple produce new versions of their iPod thingy machine thing. In the run-up to Casino Royale, stay tuned: there are new developments ahead…

    Deva* Fever

    If you can’t make it to London for the World/Royal Premiere of Casino Royale (and if you haven’t been invited, assume now that you can’t make it), why not look north to the lovely city of Chester, which may well be getting a regional premiere of the film, given that it is Mr Craig’s home city.

    For those unfamiliar with Chester, it is an ancient walled city on the banks of the River Dee, a significant tourist centre and a city where it is apparently still legal to shoot a Welshman with a longbow should he enter the city walls after sundown. Accordingly, after you’ve seen the film, celebrate Bond’s inevitable survival aginst a dastardly foe by getting in some archery practice.

    Remember: arm yourself. No-one out there will save you.

    (*Roman name for Chester, fans of “fact”)

    Pic of the Fic

    The CBn Fan Fiction fora continue to grow in popularity month on month, but during September something even more worthy of note occurred: the exclusive publication of Fenna Geelhoed’s second “Joyce Carrington 009” novels, “Past Bearing”: 600 pages of tip top action and secret agent fun slipped between covers once again the product of the genius of Evan W. Give it a try – give it a week! – and you won’t be disappointed; you’ll be thrilled. Roll on the conclusion of the trilogy; Fenna promises an absence of Ewoks, so it can only be good.

    Steeped in Blood

    During the month, and due to the continued efforts and vision of Dave Winter and Evan Willnow, the CBn fora underwent a transformation; not only are they now dripping with blood (and not just as a result of the ongoing “debate” about the “song”), but members can choose their own “watermark” Bond to appear next to their username. Although those of you with a particular fondness for the Casino Royale ’67 clapping sea lion may be disappointed, or arrested, there’s a wide choice not just from the films, but also from the comic strips and the books. Join up now if you haven’t and show us yer Bond face!

    Young Bond Book 3

    Is still called Young Bond Book 3.

    You Know My Name – part four

    Now it’s becoming a bit of a guilty pleasure, like The Birdy Song, or Pearl Harbor.

    Let’s rawk!

    Ok, let’s not.

    On and On and On

    News reached us this month that there’s a possibility that the final cut of Casino Royale will go on forever, or at least as long as the current “longest Bond film” title holder, On Her Majesty’s Secret Service.

    Whilst this has met with general approval, those of us with children and babysitters charging twenty pounds per hour would much prefer it to be about three minutes long.

    I suspect this is not that popular a view.

    …and On

    Coming up shortly, some film or other. More news when we get it.

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