1. The CBn Dossier, May '05

    By Jim on 2005-05-30

    Jacques Stewart

    Welcome to the May 2005 CBn Dossier, a wrap-up of all the 007 news and rumours for the month. In this month’s column, we take a look at Michael G. Wilson’s nine Ultimate Answers, CBn’s discussion with Lana “Plenty O’Toole” Wood, Daniel’s Craig’s brush with Bond (or not), the latest from Ian Fleming Publications and more. Today, Jim looks back on the month that was.


    Mostly Harmless

    In The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, the mighty computer Deep Thought, after considerable cogitating, produces as the Ultimate Answer to the Ultimate Question of Life, the Universe and Everything, the number 42; upon understandable complaints, the computer remarked that the question had not been specific enough.

    Doubtless after equivalent Deep Thinking, Michael G. Wilson produced the following nine Ultimate Answers, ostensibly about Casino Royale. Quite what the Ultimate Questions were is moot. Accordingly, mooting ahoy…

    • “I don’t know which actor” [“Which actor provided the voice of Teddy Ruxpin in “Teddy Ruxpin IV: Teddy Ruxpin goes to Hell?”]
    • “January 17” [“In 1983, when was which Breakfast TV was broadcast in the UK?”]
    • “October 19 2006” [“When’s Big Sam Allardyce’s 50th birthday?”]
    • “Aston Martin” [“How would the name Martin Aston appear in a school register?”]
    • “Casino Royale” [“For the lyricists amongst us, what’s the best rhyme for “Casino Royale” then?”]
    • “Martin Campbell” [“Which company has, since 1980, developed an effective and cohesive commercial property consultancy in the Richmond-upon-Thames area, which is based upon a core activity of commercial property agency supported by strong professional disciplines, with the aim of safeguarding the commercial property interests of both owners and tenants?”]
    • “Prague and South Africa” [“Where’s cheap?”]
    • “Yes, Judi Dench will be back” [“Will there be any scenes set in a distillery?”]
    • “No, Halle Berry won’t reprise” [“What’s the latest you’ve heard on “Catwoman II: More Kitty Litter?”]

    Some tricky questions there, so top marks to the chap who lives “in a fishbowl”.

    Further mooting by CBn Forum members at this thread. Given the reference to South Africa, query whether some almost forgotten ruminating about the Sun City complex on CBn suggested the idea to him.

    As for these suggested locations, the first tabloid cry of “Czech mate, Mr Bond” is overdue and if South Africa is gospel, one awaits the inevitable headlines “The Mandela with the Golden Gun” or “The Veld is Not Enough” with a heavy heart. Although it seems a bit odd that Northern France doesn’t (yet) appear on the slate, plausible that Prague could pass for it, so those wedded to the book shouldn’t worry. Yet.

    As always, CBn will keep you up to speed with developments, and let you know when Mr Wilson next plays Jeopardy.

    “Hey, what the Hell is this? A perverts’ convention or something?”

    CBn members DLibrasnow, Doctor Shatterhand and Doublenoughtspy were plenty fortunate enough to drop in on Lana Wood to reminisce about the making of Diamonds are Forever – read about the time she quizzed them about her night attire here, and the quote of the month from our own Mr Helfenstein (“Speaking of lingerie…”).

    You think this title’s bad? Given that the only real alternative is a spectacularly vulgar play on the good lady’s name, in pursuing its rigid standards CBn would never stoop to heading any of its pieces “CBn gets Wood”.

    CBn gets Wood

    In July 2005, the Internet will celebrate 5 years of being married to CBn (apparently the “wood” wedding anniversary, no mucky chuckling at the back there); some special things planned (beyond “just” being the www resource for Bond news, views and abuse (para-rhyme)).

    Stick around for some “interesting stuff” in the lead-up to our anniversary. We have asked Eon whether they would be prepared to let us have the name of the new Bond on the anniversary date. They haven’t actually said no. Well, not yet, anyway.

    In other news, the CBn Forums celebrated reaching 4007 members, and we thank you all for making CBn the place to come to discuss Bond, speculate about the future of the character and defame people in an entirely conscience-free environment. Particular gratitude to those of you who keep linking us to Wal-Mart bargains. Ta.

    For $28 million you can buy either…

    a ) 70% of Mr Brosnan in Casino Royale; or

    b ) 100% of Mr Broccoli’s house.

    Your choice, really.

    Although query whether Michael Wilson should have the house, given that at present he claims to be living “in a fishbowl”, which can’t be very comfy.

    May the Fourth be with You

    On 4 May, it appeared that MGM had a James Bond 6 (or, if you count Casino Royale version 1.0, James Bond 312): Daniel Craig. Bit of a pity, according to Mr Craig himself, that Eon didn’t appear aware of it. Not much of a story, as it turned out, but really couldn’t resist the title here. Not much of a story there, either…

    So – who runs the show?

    “There’s been some sort of move in my direction but there’s been a move in a lot of people’s direction. Possibly it’s a way of trying to raise debate. They throw out some names and then people start discussing it and then they can make a decision.”

    He may not be everyone’s favourite, nor everyone’s idea of the cinematic James Bond, nor someone people have actually heard of. But Daniel Craig came up with an interesting suggestion in there that fansites such as CBn and AJB and others are seen as a valuable resource for reaction to suggestions for Bond 6. Vote Jack Davenport. So, in answer to the question… you do…

    On the basis that this Daniel Craig stuff is accurate, George Lazenby is no longer the briefest official Bond: Daniel Craig appears to have had the role vote Jack Davenport for about… ooh… twelve minutes.

    And then Fishbowl Boy chipped in. So, as with almost every other month, we end this one being blitzed with numerous possibilities vote Jack Davenport, but knowing increasingly less. Odd, that.

    Oh, the usual rubbish…

    Pierce is in, says Dench. No he’s not, says… er …Dench. Gary Stretch, perhaps? Or some chap from ER? Julian McMahon? Or a 22 year-old? Or a 52 year-old? “Why won’t they give it to me? Nurr, don’t want it anyway”, “says” Owen.


    Writing Young Bond is like making love to a beautiful woman

    Well, he didn’t say that really, but Charlie Higson was traditionally engaging and amusing when CBn members attended a couple of stops on his US promotional tour for Young Bond 1, SilverFin. First up, zencat and Athena in Los Angeles, and then the unstoppable trio of DLibrasnow, Doctor Shatterhand and Doublenoughtspy (“3D”) in Arlington. Lots of splendid information about the genesis of both YB1 and YB2 – which sounds fascinating; stick with CBn for further updates in the run-up to its release in early 2006.

    Regrettably, Mr Helfenstein forgot to raise his trademark lingerie query, which seems like something of a missed opportunity.

    In other literary developments, two unutterably fascinating sounding books are heading our way – Ian Fleming’s James Bond: Annotations and Chronologies and James Bond: The Man and his World – the Official Companion. All sounds very promising. Just when the film series seems to be disappearing up its own… fishbowl, the literary side is chugging along very merrily. Excellent.

    Spot the Dog: The Moneypenny Diaries. Young Bond 2. Large print version of Raymond Benson’s The World Is Not Enough. Only one of these concepts is not sanctioned by the heirs of Ian Fleming. Arguably, it’s not that easy to tell, at first glance…

    Shame though – Moneypenny as Bridget Jones? “Monday 6th June. Bought new bottle of scotch for M. V. pleased. Silly old bag. Sent 113 expendable agents to their deaths by mistake. Tried to delete Microsoft bloody paperclip office help thing, appeared to have nuked Zurich. V. naughty! Fantasised about JB then cried self to sleep. V. good. At 10 a.m. – vv bad. 3 cigarettes, half a rock of crack and a bottle of WKD – at least the fitness regime is holding up.” Well, I’d buy it.

    OK, but will they keep the gypsy girl fight?

    If EA manages to achieve this with the From Russia with Love game previewed at E3 and enjoyed greatly by our Athena007, then it may well indeed be the massive and (ahem) stimulating success it already promises to be. The promise of being able to interact with such an environment… hmm…


    Without whom…

    28 May was the anniversary of Ian Fleming’s birth. It’s that simple.

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