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  1. The CBn Dossier, September '05

    Jacques Stewart

    Welcome to the September 2005 CBn Dossier, a wrap-up of all the 007 news and rumours for the month. In this month’s column, we’ll be examining the never-ending rumours and news of Casino Royale, the current status of the upcoming videogame, From Russia With Love, the Young Bond series and much more.

    This month’s CBn Dossier will be delivered by Jacques Stewart.

    Enjoy.

    Casino Royale … flop?*

    One of the more interesting things that CBn learned during the month was that in Casino Royale, the twenty-first James Bond film to be produced by Eon Productions Ltd, the centrepiece card game will be… nope, that’d be telling. So we told.

    “Mixed” is the most appropriate way to sum up reaction to this development**. And just be grateful that it’s not dominoes. Or Su-Doku. Or Rugby League.

    *not an early review; simply a clue as to the game.

    **although smashing one’s face into a wall in astounded frustration seems popular***.

    ***not that this is an endorsement. CBn in no way recommends repeated frenzied headbutts of disbelief as a lifestyle choice****

    ****although it does respect the freedom to choose amongst those who have chosen to do so*****.

    *****this is a lie.

    Pierce Brosnan may or may not be James Bond in Casino Royale

    “Probably” Pierce… & Final Decision Next Week…

    That pretty much covers all angles there, then.

    Moving on…

    Still in the Lion’s Den

    Of all the recent rumours, of all the shortlists and speculation, the one constant name is Daniel Craig. This month, an interesting phenomenon – when the Mr Brosnan returning rumours hot up, the Mr Craig rumours die down and vice versa, although CBn accepts that this is probably inevitable. However, has anyone seen them in the same room together?

    Oh.

    Bang goes that theory.

    Autographica Magnifica

    Thanks to Graham Rye for informing us all about the Autographica event taking place at the end of next month – big news here is the first ever convention appearance of Ursula Andress, the Bond Girl of Bond Girls.

    Given that other Bond notables attending Autographica will include a villain, a comedy sidekick, an obligatory sacrificial lamb (and motivation for a plot) a Felix Leiter, a stunt arranger and assorted technical folk, if anyone brings a video camera there’s an instant (and pretty damned good) Bond film in the making. Could get Mr Horak to do the poster, too. All that would be needed is a James Bond…

    The Announcement

    A race between yesterday’s man, a host of relative unknowns and a youthful pretender… the right choice is critical given the dominance of the competition… will it lead to a total reinvention?… is it all too late to save something that was once dominant? … it could get nasty but will the rest of the world really care? …everyone has their favourite but none of us can really make the decision… and if this doesn’t work, is it oblivion forever?

    Who will be the next leader of the UK Conservative Party?

    Ooh, see what I did there? Not clever, not funny. And not particularly interesting either. Something else is rapidly getting that way too.

    The outcome of the German general election…

    Aha! Oho! But you know what I mean…

    How long Sven will stay in charge of England…

    OK, I’ll stop it now.

    People not doing things they were never going to do anyway shock!

    Charlie Higson will not be writing Adult Bond (not yet, anyway). IFP have not entered into negotiations (not yet, anyway) for Young Bond film 1 nor for the author for the 2008 Bond book.

    I deny all rumours that I intend to eat Cornwall.

    Not yet, anyway.

    Stuck who to choose? Let Brown Majesties decide for you

    I often find (this is complete rubbish, by the way) that when stuck in coming to a decision, an anagram may help (I repeat: this is not true. I do have some sort of life – it’s just that I found an anagram site on this interweb thing and messed about for ten minutes, although you’d have to wonder about the quality of my life if I am the sort of person who goes looking for such things on the internet when there’s so much lovely free pornography available).

    Accordingly, given that the alternative seems to be sticking a pin in a list of names, if you’re still undecided – choose your favourite anagram!

    Henry Cavill is James Bond – “Damnably cleverish joins”. OK, that’s meaningless, but then some would argue that “Henry Cavill is James Bond” is equally so.

    Goran Visnjic is James Bond – “Is jingoism and craven jobs”. Not evidently in English. You insert your own comment… […here…].

    Pierce Brosnan is James Bond – “Rejoice! Brain snob dampness”. I’m saying nothing. The alternative is “What? Him again? I thought he was about eighty.”

    Alex O’Lachlan is James Bond – “Sex-mad jail snob, clean halo” which is a tabloid story just begging to be written.

    Dougray Scott is James Bond – “Take another photo of me, sonny, and I’ll do yers”. In fact, that isn’t Dougray Scott in the photo – it’s Tom Cruise in a silly Dougray Scott rubber mask.

    Ewan Stewart is James Bond – Lest we forget him, “Brown majesties, as wanted”. Well, there’s another euphemism for poo-poo. As, sadly, is “Ewan Stewart is.. etc…”

    Sam Worthington is James Bond – “Not braw, handsomest jingoism”. Whoever Sam Worthington may be, he makes for a rubbish anagram so best not be him.

    Daniel Craig is James Bond – “Bad ladies’ man rejoicings”. Even the anagrams diss the poor sod’s looks, but you read it here first – this time next week, it could well sum up “the” announcement.

    Charles Axworthy is James Bond – “Clownish Majesty, drab hoaxers”. Sums the whole thing up very neatly – accordingly, Charles Axworthy is James Bond.

    Solved!

    Form is temporary; class is permanent

    With all the speculation flying about, all the rumour and counter-rumour and stuff allegedly being leaked about whether or not company A wants X to be the stand-in for the stuntmen in the twenty-first slice of this silly old tosh, isn’t it nice to take a peaceful moment and reflect on…

    a ) the munificence and understated class of Sir Roger Moore recording commentaries to the DVDs of his Bond films and

    b ) the magnificence of him doing so in Monaco.

    Truly, we are lucky to have lived at the same time as such a top chap. [Although it’s a bit of a pity that we had to watch some of his films, but those really weren’t his fault].

    Given the ostensibly “difficult” relationship between Eon and at least one of its other Bonds, and the apparent silence on the subject from the others, why not let Sir Rog do the lot? That’d be a hoot. Oh come on, it would.

    iThink therefore iPod

    Just in passing, CBn’s podcast received 1,900 listeners August to September, so thanks to everyone for your support and keep listening (it’s free!) – with the potential for major news about Casino Royale and the Literary Bond in the near future, keep downloading and logging on and importing or whatever it is one does with these things; oh, for the days of the transistor radio and only three types of cheese. Life was much simpler then, wasn’t it? Rubbish, though.

    Cigarettes and Alcohol

    Highly reminiscent of the Surgeon General’s warning about the dangers of smoking at the end of Licence to Kill (message: smoking will kill you but putting people in decompression chambers is OK by me), our Heiko Baumann noted some rather odd and pretty inexplicable changes between the UK and US editions of SilverFin.

    My two lads, having read SilverFin “undiluted”, have yet to develop gaspers ‘n’ booze dependency* so to all you good folks out there who should be reading SilverFin anyway (it’s pretty sound), you’re really quite safe y’know.

    *although their crack habit is out of control.

    I’d say things are shaping up nicely

    The more detail CBn gets about the upcoming From Russia with Love videogame, the more interested the more susceptible of us become to demanding children – the character detail (especially, from the writer’s point of view, Rosa Klebb) looks pretty solid. Still no gypsy girls yet, which is a bit of a disappointment to the colossal pervert amongst me.

    Great Chieftain of the Pudding Race

    Mr Haggis has come up with some sound stuff this month, albeit potentially controversial. Just in case you were unsure of his work, some facts about Haggis:

    He consists of minced lamb heart, lungs and liver mixed with pepper and oatmeal, cooked in a sheep’s stomach. Mmm – very Atkins.

    Robert Burns considered him highly sophisticated and mighty (perhaps he cried at Million Dollar Baby, who knows?) and consequently wrote an ode to him, albeit several decades before his birth.

    Fair fa’ your honest, sonsie face

    Great chieftain o’ the puddin-race!

    Aboon them a’ ye tak your place

    Painch, tripe, or thairm:

    Weel are ye wordy of a grace worthy

    As lang’s my arm

    In modern parlance – don’t **** it up, sunshine, honest sonsie face or not.

    Location, Location, Location

    Wherever Casino Royale may be set, “Not France” seems to be the agenda. Does the return to The Bahamas mean underwater scenes? Does it mean a return to the widescreen spectacle of Thunderball? Does it mean a rather surreal volte-face and that scenes set in a Buckinghamshire chalk pit will actually be Nassau dressed up as a Buckinghamshire chalk pit?

    Weekly World News

    Oddest item of the month (other than practically everything else) was that a Bible written entirely in limericks has likened Samson to James Bond.

    People may remember other strange Bond / religious connotations brought to light (or just made up), amongst them the appearance of the face of Timothy Dalton in an almond croissant, the horrific incident in 1994 when a spectral Lotte Leyna descended amongst eleven partially undernourished Finns and talked to them about speedway for an hour, and the generation of men who worship Claudine Auger as some sort of goddess.

    Quiet, isn’t it…? Isn’t it? Isn’t it? Or is it…?*

    Amidst all the rumours and counter-rumours and our willingness to be fully and thoroughly and satisfyingly facted until we squeal, exhausted and moist, by whatever comes along, momentum does seem to be building on Casino Royale – CBn learned this month that with post-production on the Zorro sequel largely complete, Martin Campbell is pushing ahead with Casino Royale (even if no-one else is). Watch this space; things could get a lot louder very soon. Very soon. If I told you any more than this, I’d have to kill you. Or be better at making stuff up.

    *it is.

    Just think…

    This time next week, we may all know…

    This time next year, the film may [note: may] be in the can…

    This time in two years’ time, we’ll be banging on about the next one and whether it will be better / worse / feature the return of the giant talking leper badger.

    Jim @ 2005-09-30
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