It Takes All Kinds

If “James Bond fans” be a group of people, then it be a group that contains quite a number of subgroups. With many books by different authors and many films starring different actors, the James Bond series that’s been going for several decades now, so it’s hardly surprising that there are many different types of fans, each with unique likes and dislikes, and each to whom being a “James Bond fan” means something different.

There are of course the groups defined by their age, like the Moore Generation, who grew up during the 70’s and early 80’s, when “Rodge” was Bond. To them those were the good old days of shameless fun and pure entertainment. And while they may occasional stray over to the Connery or Dalton camps, they can never stay away, and always come back to their sentimental favorite sooner or later.

Formed in a similar vein are The Brosnan Birgade, an odd mix of young newbies and committed female admirers truly in awe of their hero, spreading the good word and making Photoshop tributes to him while blissfully unaware that there were indeed James Bond films made before 1995.

With youth and enthusiasm on their side, they’re definitely one of the more vocal groups, but if they (or anyone for that matter) speak out too loudly, too often, you can be sure that they’ll be quickly put in their place by the old-school blazer-and-tie Fleming Traditionalists, to whom the movies as merely “gimmicky, cartoonish twaddle”, completely unworthy of the phrase “Ian Fleming’s James Bond”.

“Bond’s too much of a super-man” they cry. “We want gritty, back to Fleming, faithful adaptations” they demand. Would you like some cheese with your whine gentlemen? But press them hard enough and they’ll concede that Living Daylights and Licence to Kill “were okay, I suppose, best of the bunch at any rate”.

But this group are not to be confused with the Daltonites, a small but merry band with a song in their hearts and genuine love for the fourth 007. Still a little bitter towards “The Man”, they consider Dalton’s forced departure from the series the biggest blunder since the Catholic Church elected that Pope who turned out to be a Satanist (I don’t remember his name, but you know which one I mean. Was around during the 50’s, I think. Used to prance around the Vatican in a red frock. Had those big sideburns Anyway, it’s not important).

Don’t forget the Music Buffs, the most recent subgroup to pop up, interested primarily in the Bond soundtracks, discussing music cues and that “techno number by David Arnold, which is new and fresh but contains just a subtle Barry tribute” or whatever, which has the rest of us scratching our heads and wondering just what the hell they are on and where can we get some.

Without a doubt, the black sheep of the Bond fan family is The Insider. Passing on to the rest of us fans details about plots, titles and locations, but frustratingly neglecting to mention just where the information comes from. Some believe him to be part of the production crew, others scoff at his claims and are convinced that the only “source” he has is the White wine and Mushroom he puts on his Tortellini (that jokes works better spoken rather than written)(no it doesn’t). Either way, he always causes quite a stir.

And then there’s Johnny Collector, the envy of everyone, who has managed to get his hands on every paperback edition, every teaser poster, every bit of merchandise ever released (even that rare early Moonraker script where ”Moonraker” was actually the name of the villain’s pet monkey), all of which are proudly displayed on the shelves of his home, a home of which he desperately needs to update the security system of.

We Bond fans truly are a diverse bunch, and while differences of opinion may see us argue and bicker from time to time, we’re all here for the same reason, James Bond. I like to think of us as a one big happy dysfunctional family.

Until next time,

Freemo

Comments, suggestions, ideas and brutally honest feedback can be sent to [email protected], or posted in the forums.

The 80's Bond Films

For lunch last Tuesday, for no other reason than that I had a hankering for it, I went to the Hard Rock Cafe and had that “old southern delicacy” known as the Pig Sandwich. Oh yes, you heard right, the Pig Sandwich. It’s the piglet that became a pig, the pig that became a sandwich, the sandwich that became a legend. Tremble at the sound of its name, worship the ground it walks on, gaze upon it with wonder and awe. All will bow down before it! Oh almighty sandwich, we are not worthy of thee. We are not worthy.

Select pork, hickory smoked for a minimum of 10 hours, then hand-pulled so it’s tender and juicy. “An old southern delicacy” with their famous vinegar-based barbeque sauce. They say that “If you’ve been to the Hard Rock Cafe and haven’t had a Pig Sandwich, you haven’t been to the Hard Rock Cafe“, a claim that, while technically not entirely accurate when taken in its most literal form, does gives a fair indication as to the sandwich’s prominence. It’s not just a sandwich, it’s an event.

Just as I was about to tuck into my Pig Sandwich, I noticed one of the TV monitors, which said that coming up next was a song from a James Bond film. I assumed it would be Live and Let Die. It’s always Live and Let Die. Which is fine because I quite like Live and Let Die. But surprise, it wasn’t Live and Let Die at all. But rather Duran Duran’s A View to a Kill. Rejoice!

A rare mention to the Bond films of the 80’s, and it made me realize. If Shemp is the forgotten stooge, and Iran is the forgotten evil, then the 80s are surely the forgotten era of Bond. Everybody remembers Dr. No, Goldfinger, Live and Let Die, The Spy Who Loved Me, GoldenEye and Die Another Day, but 80s seem to be completed glossed over, relegated to merely a footnote in Bond history.

You know, the 80’s weren’t just about Transformers, Acid Washed Jeans and Magnum, P.I. Need I remind you all that there was also a little something called Wham!? Oh, and don’t forget that James Bond was still in action too, with Sean Connery, Roger Moore and Timothy Dalton all playing 007 during this decade. Connery die-hards were treated to a trip down memory lane, Moore fanatics got to see their hero grow old, and Dalton supporters welcomed a darker, edgier Bond with open arms. Yep, the 80’s had something for every type of Bond fan, and proved be a very important decade in Bond film history…

For Your Eyes Only – I don’t read James Bond reference books very often. They’re usually written by people who don’t know anything about James Bond (but know allot about regurgitating popular opinion, quoting tired old “trivia” we’ve heard 50 times before, and licking the boots of “The Man”). But I will occasionally, in a moment of weakness, flip though one at the book shop. One of the better Bond reference books, Bond Films: Virgin Film by Jim Smith and Steve Lavington, describes For Your Eyes Only as “the one nobody remembers”, which sums it up quite nicely. The forgotten film of the forgotten era.

Never Say Never Again – Two Bond films in the one year. These days we’re lucky to get one every three years, in 1983 they had two in the one year. Never Say Never Again finished in second place in the 1983 “Battle of the Bonds”, but second ain’t no disgrace. What is a disgrace, however, is that lack crummy merchandising that would now be worth a fortune. A home version of the “World Domination” Game as seen in the new hit James Bond film Never Say Never Again was a toy just aching to be made (but naturally, “The Man” kept too close an eye on the unofficial film’s proceeding to allow that). Missed opportunity.

A View to a Kill – The title was originally set to be From A View to A Kill, but was changed late in production when it was feared that American audiences wouldn’t understand what the word “from” meant. This was just part of the great “Americanization” of the Bond films (a move no doubt instigated by “The Man”). Roger Moore was getting on in years, but was still up to his old tricks, drinking martinis, bedding women, making one-liners, and noticeably changing appearance whenever he performed a stunt. Goodbye Roger, thanks for the memories.

The Living Daylights – No clown suits, no Beach Boys tunes, no talking parrots (except for that one talking parrot). Timothy Dalton came into the series, like a breath of fresh air coming into something that needed a breath of fresh air. A change in direction was what the people wanted and a change in direction was what they got (could it have been that “The Man” was finally listening to the fans?).

Licence to Kill – The Box Office Champion of the Bonds, Licence to Kill proved to be such a huge financial success that the producers didn’t need to make another Bond film for nearly six years. “The Man” was able to live quite comfortably on the film’s enormous earnings up until the mid-90s. If “The Man’s” Rolls Royce got bird poo on it, “The Man” just bought a new one. Life was good for “The Man”. But ofcourse, not even the vast sum of money made from Licence to Kill could support this extravagent lifestyle forever, and eventually James Bond returned.

What a decade!

Until next time,

Freemo

Bond Films: Virgin Film – I recommend this. At first glance it looks like a bland, generic “Book on Bond”, with all the typical subcategories and so on, but don’t be fooled by it’s appearance. It has inner beauty. It’s a solid, insightful read by people who know their stuff.. Very refreshing when compared to glossy, “semi offical” tripe like another certain Bond book that shall remain nameless (hint: It’s title misleadingly has the word “Essential” in it).

Comments, suggestions, ideas and gypsy curses can be sent to [email protected], or posted in the forums.

Got a Licence to Kill

There’s a theory that James Bond’s hiatus between 1989 and 1995 was as a result of threatened litigation. To an extent, that’s true. To an extent…

It is a Friday in November 1989. In the offices of Throckmorton, Felch and Badger, solicitors of Floral Street, Covent Garden, partner Ken Felch returns to his office after lunch and finds a note pinned to his leather topped desk with a Sykes-Fairburn commando dagger. Wearily, unsurprised, he withdraws the weapon, reads the note, and then buzzes through to his secretary.

“Labia, it looks like I’m expecting Mr Bond in five minutes; could you fish out his general file?”

“Is that the blue one?”

“No, that’s the Havelock sex change fiasco. I think it’s red. Blood red. He chose the colour. By the way, did you see him in here a moment ago?”

“No.”

“Well, you wouldn’t. Bring it through when you have it.”

Felch settles himself in his chair and stares absentmidedly out of the window. To himself, ruefully stroking the tear in the leather, Felch curses his most troublesome client for his perverted sense of the dramatic. Good golfer, though; albeit a terribly paranoid one. One good shot and then he thinks you’re cheating, then sets out to physically destroy you. Odd man. Something high up in the Government, very hush-hush.

Except, of course, now…that note.

Felch. Ken Felch.

Need your help. Think I’ve done something stupid. May have to go into hiding. Things are about to turn nass tee.

Bond. James Bond.

Funny sort of reddish-brown ink, thinks Felch. Spilled quite a bit on the floor, too. Oh, what could it be now? Not another angry husband blaming him for a divorce. Another outraged chef, a humiliated tailor? Not another incident with a Labrador? Times past, he knew Bond would have laughed those off. But he’s changed quite recently, Felch remembers. Become far more intense. Sometime around that trouble with trying to start a war in Afghanistan or somewhere.

Felch laughs at the memory. What an imagination the man had! Still, it’s a lucrative imagination and golf club membership doesn’t pay for itself.

Labia Conception wanders into the room, carrying the thick file of paper. What treasures that holds, thinks Felch. File’s pretty promising too.

“He’s arrived, Mr Felch. I gave him a cup of tea…”

“Oh God.”

“…and he’s sitting in the waiting room reading that three year old copy of Puzzler magazine.”

“How does he look?”

“I think he was stuck on a jumbo wordsearch.”

“No, that’s not what I mean. Let me ask you this, it’s something that’s always bothered me about our Mr Bond, and all his little sexual escapades which officially you know nothing about; is he that handsome?”

“He is very good-looking. He reminds me rather of Hoagy Carmichael…”

“Who?”

“Sorry, Mr Felch. I forgot, it’s 1989, isn’t it? OK, he reminds me rather of Andrew Ridgeley…”

“Who?”

“But there’s something slightly un-English about him…”

“Well, that’s true, Labia. Currently he’s pretending to be Welsh. I always felt his Scottish impersonation was the most successful.” Felch starts daydreaming. “Curious incident few years back now when he pretended to be an Australian…..Anyway, best send him in.”

As Labia wanders out, Felch starts flicking through the file. So much in here. The average client with a personal injury claim delivers medical records that describe a three month whiplash complaint and three years of malingering but here, though, are toxins and gunshot wounds and people flinging barracuda at him. And, of course, this file is not all; whole room of files devoted to his liaisons, half the wall taken up with that thorny little problem that ensued when Bond found out that Dr Goodhead was married and her husband threatened to “do him”.

Anyway…another day, another non-contentious charge plus VAT and disbursements. Felch knows he has to work harder on that one-liner.

Bond enters the room.

Funny sort of hairdo, thinks Felch. “Good afternoon, Mr Bond. I’ve been expecting you.” Usually that’s their little joke; it raises a brief smile. Now, nothing. Blimey, thinks Felch; one would think someone’s just fed his best mate to a shark or something. Again. Better not to speculate about that.

“You got my note?”

Felch looks at the bandaged hand, then back at the initial note. Lord. Yes, thinks Felch…Andrew Ridgeley…Labia may have something. Apart from crabs and an inability to type his name without laughing. “Yes. How are you?”

“Fine. Sorry I’m late; I had to stop off at the nursery…fourth birthday party for the triplets…well, you know.”

Indeed I do, thinks Felch. Indeed I do… “Well, you’re here now, James. What’s the problem? Miss…Mr Havelock’s stitching hasn’t come undone again, has it?”

“No, Bernard’s fine, last I heard. Happy in Rochdale, apparently. But, Ken,…I think…I think I may have lost my job. Accidentally.”

Felch raises an eyebrow, and wonders whether Bond recognises in that his own affectation. Apparently not.

“I see. Right, before you tell me, let me fish out your contract of employment… right…” Felch starts rifling through the red file. “No, that’s parking fines… for a submarine…turbocharged gyrocopter fines… C4 bills… disputed tailor’s invoice for bright yellow stealth skiing equipment…why is that there? Oh yes, unfit for purpose, s14(2) Sale of Goods Act 1979 – they’ve made an offer but we’ll discuss that another time… paternity suits… maternity suits… here we are. Right…” Felch extracts the contract, closes the file and flicks through the ten page document. “I haven’t seen this in a long time. Not since you had that argument with your boss about whether pinching bullion barons’ girlfriends was part of your job or not and we had to remind him of Schedule 4 Part I clause 3(b)(ii). Happy days, happy days…Now, what’s the problem?”

“Well, it was a few months ago, July say. Went to a wedding in Key West.”

“Mm, nice.”

“Wasn’t. Things went wrong.”

Why is that no surprise?, thinks Felch.

“Just before the wedding, my friend and I captured this drugs baron…”

“Was the drugs baron ripped from the headlines?”

“Yes.”

“Oh dear.” Even for this man, especially for this man, this sounds terribly unrealistic, muses Felch. “No…nothing; do carry on.”

“So we captured this drugs baron ripped from the headlines but he escaped…”

“Did he have a comedy gondola?”

“No.”

“Oh.”

“And then he mutilated my friend and murdered his wife and I wanted to go after this drugs baron ripped from the headlines but mmm…my boss said I couldn’t so I ran off and…”

“I see. This sounds serious.”

“It was, consistently.”

“Was there a comedy gondola involved at all?”

“No.”

“Pity. I liked the comedy gondola. What happened then?”

“I then went on a one man mission to destroy this drug baron ripped from the headlines and it all ended up with a lot of tankers being hurled about and some sort of big explosions.”

“Sounds…different.”

“Trouble is, I think that somewhere in the middle of all this I managed to lose my job…”

Felch flicks through the contract.

“James, I’m your lawyer, and your friend as long as you keep paying me, so it’s in both our interests to see if I can help you. Sounds like you had a falling out with your boss… by the way, I heard your boss is on his way out… going to be replaced by a lady.”

“How did you hear that? How? Tell me.”

Felch is surprised at Bond’s angry, suspicious response. “Umm…it was in yesterday’s Telegraph. Everyone knows. Apparently she’s going to insist all agents bathe in patchouli oil each evening…so the rumour goes, anyway…”

Felch watches Bond do a funny bulgy twinkle thing with his eyes…

“Back to business, James. You had a falling out with the boss, that’s happened a fair bit…”

“This is the big one, Felch. I…resigned…”

I see, thinks Felch. Right, this sounds tricky, and expensive. So far so good. He presses his intercom. “Miss Conception? Cancel my other engagements and could you bring in a pot of coffee. And some cups this time, there’s a love.”

He refixes his gaze on Bond. “And how did this…resignation manifest itself?”

“What do you mean?”

“Did you say ‘stuff this job!’ Or ‘I can’t work here any longer, it’s intolerable!’ That sort of thing.”

“I said it was a farewell to arms…”

“Eh?”

“Well, I had this meeting with the chief at the Hemingway House so…”

Felch looks blank.

“Y’know, Hemingway House, A Farewell to Arms…”

“Nope. Run that one by me again.”

“Hemingway. A Farewell to Arms…”

“Right. Had you taken something? Anyway, that being a little obscure, what else did you do? Did you say anything sensible, for example?”

“I kicked one of the guards away and vaulted the balcony.”

“The direct approach. Hmm…”

“Problem?”

“If you want me to advise you whether you have any potential for a claim against your boss, maybe get some leverage with that to get back into your job…I’m having trouble seeing one. Y’see, most employment claims depend on there having been a dismissal, and unfortunately walking out…”

“…jumping out…”

“…jumping out is a resignation, not a dismissal. Basically, unless we can say you were dismissed, I’m afraid you’re a bit stuffed. So let’s go back a bit; before you hurled yourself off the balcony, did your boss do or say anything that we could argue at length and at much cost construes a dismissal?”

“Well, I was frogmarched to meet him, and the DA was apparently screaming to know what had happened. Apparently…”

“Hm…could be a breach of his duty of mutual trust and confidence to you; go on…”

“…And, now I remember, there were some cats…”

“Ah! Yes, of course. That’s somewhere in here, isn’t it?” Felch starts flicking through the contract. “Gun allowance…knife allowance…big floppy clown hat allowance…nuke defusing training exemptions…here we go…”

Schedule 5, being the fifth hereinbeforetomentioned schedule.

4. Being the inter alia hazardous substances and materials and creatures and persons to which the employer covenants never to expose the employee:

(i) tea
(ii) commercial brands of cigarettes
(iii) inexpensive vehicles
(iv) unattractive women
(v) fat women
(vi) unexploitable women
(vii) polyester
(viii) the Chinese, generally
(ix) normal people
(x) cats with the exception of one “Ms” Pussy Galore, gym mistress and head of disciplinary theory and tuppence manipulation, Rodean School for lissome girls.

Felch smiles, encouraging. “An idea is forming, James. Let’s see…did he say or do anything that suggests you were actually dismissed; fired, unless that’s a bad pun.”

“He said I had to go to Istanbul…”

“Hmm…not sure we could argue that’s actually a dismissal…”

“By the previous evening…”

“Sounds like the old man was ripe for retirement. Anything else?”

“Well, there was this man lurking around the lighthouse taking potshots at me…”

Felch suddenly feels himself becoming excited and rich and excited at the thought of becoming rich.

“Really? Was that before you started lashing out wildly?”

“No; after.”

Felch sees the daydream of Miss Conception running away to Bermuda with both him and the client account, disappear as quickly as it had appeared. Damn the man.

“No matter,” says Felch, fighting back the tears. “We could still argue that you were constructively dismissed. He wanted to change your terms of employment; says here, Schedule 7 clause 6(b)(ii)(a) that you’re allowed one blood vendetta every ten years, so it would appear that trying to stop you was a repudiatory breach of your contract. Accordingly, and stop me if I’m boring you, you were entitled to resign within a reasonable time, seems to cover immediately hurling yourself off a balcony, and you were thereby wrongfully dismissed.” Felch stops for breath. That had taken a satisfyingly expensive amount of time to say.

“Hm. What do I get for that?”

“You get paid your notice period…what’s that? Here we are; ‘until death or becomes beyond credulity when soaping down girls young enough to be his sperm.’ Curious phraseology…anyway, quite a bit or money for you there, plus any contractual entitlements…let’s see… ‘company car, company hairpiece, company SM manual, pension, accrued holiday pay, full state burial with flypast of autogyros, one secretary to have your wicked way with, two kilos of gorgonzola, one corn, notably on the cob , and a bottle of Milton sterilising fluid’…very curious contract you signed here….”

“Anything else?”

“Well, sounds to me like you might also have a claim for unfair dismissal.”

“Speak.”

“Well, you appear to be within the age limits for eligibility…even though I remember reading once that you were born in 1920…”

“Ignore that. I always do.”

“And you’ve had more than a year’s continuous employment, and if that argument about dismissal comes off…well, they have to prove it was fair…”

“Can they?”

“Hmm…could argue organisational reasons, y’know, to try to keep the whole thing economic and a viable concern…”

“Can we keep in character please?”

“Sorry Timoth…James…but even if they do that, they have to show they handled it reasonably, in that taking into account the resources of your employer and the overall equity of the situation, that dismissing you was within a range of reasonable responses to the situation. They could have offered other options, I’m sure. A period of consultation, that sort of thing.”

“And having a man shooting at one from a lighthouse isn’t consultation?”

“Not generally recognised as such, no. Were you offered a training day?”

“No.”

“Well, that’s looking better and better…” Felch notices Bond shift uneasily in his seat. “Problem, James?”

“Well, I don’t really want to cause trouble.” Which is a total lie, thinks Felch. You forget, I’ve met you. “You see, I like my job. It causes me torment of the soul but actually, I’m not sure I could do anything else.”

Felch breathes deep. Well well well…

Miss Conception wanders into the room and puts the coffee tray down on the desk. Felch watches Bond’s eyes watching Miss Conception.

“Hello, I’m James. Thank you for the coffee, I’m sure it will be…exquisite…”

Smoother than diaorreah off a doorknob, this bloke, thinks Felch.

Felch notices Miss Conception blush in a manner he himself has yet to extract from her. He pours himself a cup of coffee and raises it to his lips as Miss Conception twitters on…

“Oh, Mr Bond! Well, if I can call you James, you can call me Labia…”

Suddenly, Felch feels the cup being grabbed from his lips. Bond has leapt from his chair and, in one swift move, has snatched Felch’s cup and hurled it against the wall. The girl runs from the room, screaming.

“Umm…care to explain that one?”

Bond scans the room, eyes shooting about all over the place. Man’s on drugs, thinks Felch. Apparently satisfied that Felch’s wallpaper presents him no threat, Bond retakes his seat.

“That was a Russian name. She’ll have drugged that coffee, the bitch.”

“From what I remember, she’s actually from Twickenham.” From what I remember, thinks Felch. Ha! The evenings he spends watching her house from his car, eating malteasers and crying into his cup-a-soup…

“KGB are strong in Twickenham,” Bond mutters. “And Ipswich. Watch her,” he advises Felch, entirely unnecessarily in the circumstances.

Felch sighs. “Anyway, back to the point. You don’t want to cause trouble, but to be frank, James, it doesn’t sound like the new regime of encounter groups, scented candles and psychological assessments and weirdo inward reflection gobbledegook crud your boss’s proposed replacement is going to introduce – and I quote the leader in the Daily Telegraph when I say that – is going to appeal to you. My advice is this; OK, you’ve made a bit of a boo-boo here, but you’ll be back. Might be time to change your persona again; maybe, if you are now going to be bossed around by women, be more cynically manipulative of their instincts; perhaps you should be talking feelings and betrayal and good hair products and all that sort of stuff. You might need some time to work on that.”

Bond shifts uneasily in his seat. “Couldn’t I threaten them with bringing a claim?”

“You could, and I think that’s exactly what you should do. Have that hanging over them.”

“So….don’t fancy the idea of saying it was unfair; seems a bit childish and I’ve suddenly developed a tough new outlook. But this Wrongful Dismissal one; how long do I have before time runs out to claim it, before it’s no threat to them?”

“As it’s basically breach of contract…six years.”

“Six years, eh? That’ll take me to…November 1995. I guess the danger is that if I threaten them with a claim, they’ll put me on the inactive roster all that while…but it’s worth the gamble…”

“Decided?”

“Decided.”

“Good. I’ll write them a stiff letter. No, please don’t unwrap your bandage – I’ve plenty of ink here. And now, as for my fee…”

Felch thought he could hear the hairs on the back of Bond’s neck rising to stand on end, in fear.

Unused Audio Commentaries

When did it all go wrong? When did the relationship between supplier and consumer deteriorate? I think it may have been around the time that milk bars started selling bottled water, but it could have been as far back as when newsagents began putting their dirty magazines into plastic wrapping so that you couldn’t read them for the articles without purchasing them first. Whatever and whenever the moment was, that moment marked the decline of civilisation as we know it. Businesses, manufacturers, suppliers, they just don’t care about the consumers anymore. The desire to produce a quality product that meets or even exceeds the consumers’ demands is long gone. Now it’s all about the money, bleeding the customers dry and forcing them to make do with second-rate products.

One example of this is the James Bond DVDs. Sure, they were okay, but the could have been so much better. It’s great to have the films on DVD, but how about some decent extras? There are barely any deleted scenes or original interviews, and while some of the audio commentaries are quite good, others leave a lot of be desired. There really is no reason for that. There are plenty of deleted scenes and interviews gathering dust in old archives, aching to be cleaned up and transferred to DVD for the enjoyment of viewers. I know fans would love to see the deleted scene from Moonraker where Jaws goes undercover as an Elvis Impersonator, or the hear the Desmond Llewellyn interview where he made those slightly out-dated comments regarding black slavery. What’s even more startling than the absence of these extras is the fact that there are several original audio commentaries in existence in voiced by actors and directors that were recorded but never made their way onto the DVDs.

Below is a list of some the commentaries that we are missing out on.

Diamonds Are Forever (Mankewicz / Robinson)

Tom Mankewicz voices a full commentary, in which he offers an explanation for Blofeld’s abundance of hair and Bond’s lack of that ties into the plot, and gives detailed back story for each of the funeral parlour gangsters. Joe Robinson (Peter Franks) makes a brief cameo in the commentary, where he denies the rumour that he adiently pulled off Sean Connery’s hairpiece in the elevator fight scene, but confirms that, for authenticity purposes, he really did have the diamonds shoved up his, uh, yeah. Commentary may sag in the third quarter where, for filler, Mankewicz yawns and then wonders out loud why it is that the murderer is never Colonel Mustard with the candle in the kitchen.

On Her Majesty’s Secret Service (Lazenby / Hunt / Picker / Wilson)

The plan was for star George Lazenby, director Peter Hunt, former Untied Artists President David Picker, and Michael G. Wilson to each provide a separate solo commentary, with the four getting sliced together into one superb effort. Lazenby tells of how he and Hunt had a major run in on the set. Hunt claims that there was on animosity between himself and George Lazenby. Picker goes into detail explaining that despite the fact that On Her Majesty’s Secret Service wasn’t as successful and the Connery outings, it still did good business at the boxoffice. Wilson reveals “the film took a long time to make it’s money back”. Apparently the commentary was scraped due to confusion.

For Your Eyes Only (Glen / Moore)

This commentary by Roger Moore and director John Glen was canned due to technical reasons, which is a shame because Moore and Glen appear to have good chemistry, even giving a marvellous rendition of the Abbott and Costello “Who’s on First” routine. But sadly, on many occasions throughout the commentary the audio doesn’t properly pick up what has been said, hence why it was unused. For example: Moore reveals that this is the only one of his Bond films where he didn’t sleep with one of the female co-stars in real life. Glen is quite startled by the revelation, and enquires about A View to a Kill. Roger mutters something about “that bird in the pre-credit scene”, but sadly the microphone doesn’t fully pick it up.

The Living Daylights (Brosnan)

Possibly the best commentary of the all, the commentary of The Living Daylights by Pierce Brosnan. For years fans have dismissed it as little more than a myth, an urban legend, but I can assure you that it does exist, deep within the MGM archives. Brosnan is tied to a chair and forced to watch the film that he was denied the opportunity to star in. As Dalton walks along the gunbarrel opening, we hear Brosnan proclaim “that should be me up there”. From then until midway though the Q scene, he gives a bitter recount of the events that prevented him from being in the film. But the real highlight comes in the second half, where Brosnan breaks down into tears as he comes to the realisation that the film is 50 times better than any of ones that he has starred in.

A plea to MGM: Please, please, include these audio commentaries on the 2005 DVD releases. It’s what the fans want.

Until next time,

Freemo

Comments, suggestions, ideas and my speeling mistakes can be sent to [email protected], or posted in the forums.

The Codename Theory

You know they say that you can find anything and everything on the Internet, but yesterday, despite hours of searching, I couldn’t find one decent picture of Carrie Fisher in the gold bikini from Return of the Jedi. Sure, there were a few blurry images and the odd poorly scanned photo, but they were nothing special, nothing to e-mail home about. I thought they’d be entire websites and message boards dedicated to it, after all, there are websites for “Traffic Cone Worshipping”, “Kermit the Frog: The Vegas Years”, and “Hitler’s Favourite Recipes”. But no, as completely and utterly baffling as it may sound, there are next to none on Princess Leia. Personally, I think that the lack of quality images on this subject is a disgrace. An absolute disgrace. When are they going to do something about it?

What you can find plenty of on the Internet though, is rumours and theories and speculation on all matter of subjects, including James Bond. Some of these are quite ridiculous, such as “Were Roger Moore and Maud Adams sleeping together during the making of The Man With the Golden Gun?”. I mean, come on, obviously they weren’t. Just look at the facts: Roger had a wife and a mistress at the time of that film. Does he really strike you as a three-timer? Ofcourse not. Get your minds out of the gutter people. Roger Moore is a gentleman, and would certainly have never cheated on his wife and mistress. Any suggestions otherwise border on slander quite frankly, and I for one won’t sit idly by while Roger’s good name is tarnished. It’s time that these baseless rumours and theories were squashed, once and for all.

Well, the rumours are pretty harmless I suppose, they’re usually dismissed by readers pretty quickly. Most people don’t believe that the costumes for Octopussy were made cheaply thanks to sweat-shop labour, or that Daniel Kleinman was using recreational drugs while designing the title sequence for The World is Not Enough, and they generally don’t believe the false rumours either. No, the rumours don’t concern me so much (except that nasty one suggesting that they didn’t really go into outer space when filming Moonraker. Blasphemy!), not as much as the theories anyway. There are many fan-created theories running around, concerning various aspects of the Bond series, the worst of all no doubt being “The Codename Theory”.

The Codename Theory proposes that “James Bond” is not a real person but a codename given by MI6, and that every actor to play James Bond has been playing a different agent using the “James Bond” codename. The intention of this theory is to explain why James Bond never ages, and why he changes his appearance every, well, every time there is a change in actors. I suppose it’s also open the door for a black or female or black female James Bond to be cast sometime in the future. This idea has generated a little bit of support among fans, but I personally have always despised it because it totally ruins the mystique of James Bond. “There’s only one man” after all. This Codename theory is gimmicky and pointless. Now everyone is entitled to their own opinion, and like I said, the theory does have some supporters, but I don’t buy it. It’s sort of like saying that Michael Keaton, Val Kilmer and George Clooney were playing different Batmans (or should that be Batmen?), or that Alan Reed and Henry Cordon were voicing different Fred Flintstones. But what the hey, we’ll play along.

So, every Bond actor played a different character who was assuming the codename “James Bond”? This would mean that there have been five James Bonds: Connery/Bond, Lazenby/Bond, Moore/Bond, Dalton/Bond and Brosnan/Bond. With Connery/Bond being the first, right? A bit odd then that Connery/Bond is replaced by Lazenby/Bond only to later on return. Perhaps Lazenby/Bond got compassionate leave after his wife died (his wife died, remember that for later)?. But Lazenby recognises gadgets from Connery missions (recognises, he’s not just clearing out his predecessors desk, hey, what’s that there in the bottom draw? Oooh, very kinky), so that’s not going to quite work. Perhaps Connery and Lazenby were playing the same character, while Moore, Dalton and Brosnan were playing different ones. This would mean that there have been four James Bond – ConneryLazenby/Bond, Moore/Bond, Dalton/Bond and Brosnan/Bond.

But in The Spy Who Loved Me Sheikh Hosein remembers Moore/Bond from Cambridge, which would mean Moore/Bond was using the Bond Codename during his University years, before ConneryLazenby/Bond. Did Moore/Bond possibly have a brief stint using the Codename before passing it on to ConneryLazenby/Bond, only to get it back 11 years later? Not likely. Maybe Moore was playing the same character as Connery and Lazenby, while Dalton and Brosnan were playing different ones. This would mean that there have been three James Bond – ConneryLazenbyMoore/Bond, Dalton/Bond and Brosnan/Bond.

The Dalton Era is the one that’s the most damaging for supporters of The Codename Theory, primarily because Dalton/Bond resigns from the Secret Service in Licence to Kill. Why did he get to keep the codename? According to the theory, shouldn’t he have relinquished the codename and gone back to whatever his name was before he replaced ConneryLazenbyMoore/Bond as James Bond. We’ll ignore this fact and assume that MI6 are slow with paperwork (M’s still waiting on that mini refrigerator she ordered for the office last September), but he was lucky that they didn’t give the James Bond codename to someone else while he was off hunting down Sanchez. The other thing about Licence to Kill is that Felix Lieter acknowledges Dalton/Bond as the one who “was married, a long time ago”. Perhaps Dalton/Bond was also married, perhaps to a hairy-knuckled Scotswoman named Gladys. Or Perhaps Dalton was playing the same character as Connery, Lazenby and Moore, while Brosnan was playing a different one. This would mean that there has been two James Bonds – ConneryLazenbyMooreDalton/Bond and Brosnan/Bond.

As we move along to Brosnan, I think you can see where I’m heading. There’s no dead wife references to save me this time though, but there is something else; Doesn’t the pre-title scene of the first Brosnan/Bond film, GoldenEye take place nine years earlier? Before The Living Daylights? Before Brosnan/Bond took over the codename. Is Brosnan playing ConneryLazenbyMooreDalton/Bond for this one scene ? Does Brosnan join the ranks of Charles Grey and Joe Don Baker with the honour of playing two different characters in the Bond series ? Probably not, since later on Brosnan/Bond clearly remembers the events of the pre-title scene. It’s also unlikely that Trevelyn (shouldn’t that be a codename as well?) would want to take revenge on “some else who just happens to be assuming the code name once used by the person who betrayed me”. Unlikely but not impossible I suppose, but it definitely seems that Brosnan was playing the same character as Connery, Lazenby, Moore and Dalton. This would mean that there has been one James Bond – ConneryLazenbyMooreDaltonBrosnan/Bond, James Bond, the one and only. Nobody does it better.

I think that’s sufficient evidence showing that they are all most probably playing the same James Bond, but I can’t prove it beyond all doubt I suppose. What I can prove beyond all doubt though, is that Robert Brown and Judi Dench were playing the same M. But that will have to wait for another day.

Until next time,

Freemo

"No Laughing Matter"

On April 5, 2004, Ian Fleming Publications announced a new series of ‘Young James Bond” novels featuring the super spy as a 13-year-old solving mysteries aside his fellow classmates at Eton. Now CBn’s own Jacques Stewart gives fans this exclusive look at what we may expect from a pint-sized 007.

With apologies to Ian Fleming. But then I’m not the only one who should be apologising, am I?

Original material from Casino Royale copyright Ian Fleming Publications Ltd.

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As they deciphered the maze of purple crayon which covered the double holepunched menu, Bond beckoned to the dinner lady. He turned to his companion.

“Have you decided?”

“I would love a glass of Nesquik,” she said simply, and went back to her study of the menu.

“A small carafe of Nesquik, banana, very cold,” ordered Bond. He said to her abruptly: “I can’t drink the health of your new frock without knowing your Christian name.”

“Mistral,” she said. “Mistral Fotheringham-Tush.”

Bond gave her a look of inquiry.

“It’s rather a bore always having to explain, but I was born in the evening, on a very stormy evening according to mumsy and dadsy. Apparently they wanted to remember it.” She smiled. “Some people like it, others don’t. I’m just used to it.”

“I think it’s a corking name,” said Bond, feeling a little funny. An idea struck him. “Can I borrow it?” He explained about the special fizzy pop he had invented and his search for a name for it. “The Fotheringham-Tush,” he said. “It sounds perfect and it’s very appropriate to the violet hour when my super-duper fizzy pop will now be drunk all over the world. Can I have it?”

“So long as I can try one first,” she promised. “It sounds a drink to be proud of.”
“We’ll have one together when all this is finished,” said Bond, his voice going haywire. “Win or lose. Two straws, mind; girls have germs and are rotten. And now have you decided what you would like to have for tuck? Please be expensive,” he added as he sensed her hesitation, ” ’cause I’ve been saving up my meal coupons something rotten.”

“I’d made two choices,” she laughed, “and either would have been delicious, but behaving like a real proper adult with forks and everything occasionally is a wonderful treat and if you’re sure … well, I’d like to start with alphabetty spaghetti and then have a plain grilled fishfinger with pommes McCain. And then I’d like to have tangerine jelly with a lot of condensed milk. Is it very shameless to be so certain and so expensive?” She smiled at him and his willy went odd.

“It’s a virtue, and anyway it’s only a good plain wholesome meal.” He turned to the dinner lady, “…and bring plenty of ketchup.”

“The trouble always is,” he explained to Mistral, “not how to get enough alphabetty spaghetti, but how to get enough ketchup with it.”

“Now,” he turned back to the menu, “I myself will accompany Miss…er..Tral…er… with the alphabetty spaghetti, but then I would like a very small barbeque meat-like grill patty, underdone, with sauce brown and no frickin’ broccoli, hate it hate it hate it. While Miss … er… is enjoying the jelly, I will have a big bowl of chocolate ice-cream. Not strawberry, because that’s what strange uncles eat. Do you approve?”

The dinner lady bowed.

“My compliments young Master James and young missy. Mr Benjamin,” she turned to the large silly golliwog man who operated the tea urn and repeated the two dinners for his benefit. Because he was stupid.

“Parfait,” said Benjamin in an odd and, to Bond’s mind, suspicious way.

“If you agree,” said Bond, “I would prefer to drink blackcurrant cordial with you tonight. It is a cheerful toothrot and suits the occasion – I hope,” he added, a strange fishy liquid leaking down his inner thigh.

“Yes I would like blackcurrant,” she said.

With his finger up his nose, Bond turned to Benjamin. “The C-Vit?”

“A fine cordial, mass’er,” said the funny fellow with the sooty head. “But if mass’er will permit,” he pointed with his pencil – the nerve of these people – “the Ribena Light toothkind is without equal.”

Bond smiled. “So be it,” he said.

“That is not a well known brand,” Bond explained to his companion, “but it is probably the finest blackcurrant in Surrey.” He grinned suddenly at the touch of pretension in his remark. He stopped grinning when he thought she was looking at his braces.

“You must forgive me,” he said. “I take a ridiculous pleasure in what I eat and drink. It comes partly from the other swines in the dorm having pinched all my tuck, the stinkers.”

Mistral smiled at him.

“I like it,” she said. “I like doing everything fully, getting the most out of everything one does. I think that’s the way to live. But it does sound rather schoolgirlish when one says it,” she added, apologetically.

The little carafe of Nesquik had arrived in its bowl of crushed ice and Bond filled their glasses.

“Show us yer tits.”

“For a shilling.”

Lawks! thought Bond. He shouldn’t have bought that copy of Biggles Kills the Nignogs from Small-Fawcett jnr. But it was such a good story… “Sixpence to touch your gym knickers?”

“Done.”

Wahey!

You can discuss this article in this thread in the all new Charlie Higson/Young James Bond section of the CBn Forums.

"Now Pay Attention 007…"

Written by CBn Member: (Qwerty) Devin Zydel

The James Bond films are always fun to watch, but repeated viewings will sometimes prove to make one notice a few things that just don’t seem to go with the flow or seem out of place. Bloopers. Many of the Bond films have them; some are obvious, while others stretch the limit of credibility.

Some famous ones include the car switching wheels in Diamonds are Forever, while others take a bit more of watching to notice them, such as the dub “James, how do we get out?” by Tracy during the car chase in On Her Majesty’s Secret Service.

Dr. No —

• During the nightclub scene, the photographer has the camera around her neck when brought over to Bond’s table, yet in the next close-up, it is gone, but in the next shot, Bond pulls it off of around her neck.
• The spider is obviously on a glass plate in several wide shots.
• 239 Magenta Drive changes to 2171.
• The guard’s voice seems to be the same when speaking and then not speaking on the amplifier.
• Honey’s suit to cover her body in the radiation scene is slightly visible.
• Where exactly does the water from the ducts end up?

From Russia With Love —

• These lines appear to be dubbed, ”At the lake” was ‘at the pool’, and ”Take me to the lake” was ‘take me to the pool’.
• Klebb and Morzeny walk through the same section of the training camp twice.
• Bond never turns off the bath in his hotel room.
• It’s easy to see Pedro Armendariz apply blood to his wound.
• When the train stops, Kerim’s son’s handkerchief is in his right breast pocket, yet in the upcoming shots, it is in his left.
• The truck changes in variation in many shots, notice the side mirrors.
• After the helicopter explodes, Bond runs towards to right of the screen, it’s possible to see someone crouch and run towards the helicopter in the same scene.
• The line ”Alright” by Tatiana appears to have been dubbed.
• Martine Beswick is credited as Martin Beswick.

Goldfinger —

• Oddjob’s hat goes way out of camera shot when he throws it, but he picks it up off the ground, in front of the statue.
• Certain shots of the plane to Kentucky have ”Auric Enterprises” on it.
• The line ”Three more ticks…”
• In the final battle, it’s possible to see a man behind Goldfinger behind the curtains, and then a man dead on the floor of the plane, a few minutes later. However, Bond never fought this man.

Thunderball —

• ”As I said, later. Come on,” appears to be slightly different from what Bond’s lips say.
• The towel around Count Lippe when Bond gets his revenge on him changes from tan to blue.
• The door in the scene where Bond gets revenge on Lippe changes from ‘Massage’ to ‘Sitz Bath and Heat Treatment.’
• A man is visible in the boat that Bond and Domino bring on shore, before they have lunch.
• The line in some versions of the film, ”Unusual to see manta rays so far out” is spoken when Bond and Leiter are in the helicopter, yet it is the voice of the actor portraying Pinder.
• The line by Q, ”Now pay attention…” appears to have been added in.
• The wound on Bond changes throughout the chase sequence.
• The ‘007’ symbol is visible in the chase from one group.
• When Bond finds the Vulcan, different shots of Leiter show him changing from having shorts in one scene, to having black pants in others.
• The egg spine changes from Domino’s right foot to her left foot.
• When Bond swims to the hiding spot Domino told him about, he is barefoot in the water, yet he comes onto the land with shoes on.
• When Bond gets his goggles knocked off the in finale, he puts on a pair of black ones, but the next shots show he has the blue ones on again.
• ”We’ve still got one bomb aboard,” spoken by Largo, appears to have been added in.
• ”Look out, the rocks!” also seems to have been added in.
• The hat gets knocked off twice off the captain during the final fight.

You Only Live Twice —

• The line ”Sayonara” appears to have been dubbed.
• Bond has been in Japan before, contradicting a line he says to Henderson.
• The Japanese orders Tanaka gives to the bath girls has been dubbed.
• What sends the car drop filming to Aki and Bond?
• The space launches have been reversed, with palm trees for the Soviet launch.
• During the fight with Hans, the lamp first is on the table, then to the floor, yet is on the table again.
• What sends filming of the rocket to the SPECTRE base?
• Bond doesn’t always appear to have his Japanese disguise on throughout the entire finale, yet in some shots, he does.
• The line ”Stay” or ”Steady” to Kissy appears to be a dub.

On Her Majesty’s Secret Service —

• When Bond runs onto the beach to save Tracy, there is a boat far on the water on the left side of the screen, yet, in the next shots, it is gone.
• The tires screeching on the sand should not happen.
• ”Now, why I tell you this,” appears to be a dub.
• The items in Bond’s desk were never in his possession at the end of their respected films.
• The cord to stop Bond from falling of the cliff in the Ski Chase from Piz Gloria is visible.
• ”James, how do we get out?” is a dub.
• ”Guns make me nervous.” is a dub.
• Notice the door before and after the scientist throws an exploding item at it.
• It’s possible to see Blofeld holding onto the branch in a long shot.

Diamonds Are Forever —

• ”Marie, ask Marie” is a dub.
• ”The whole process from start to finish operates under an airtight security system. It’s an essential precaution, even though the industry prides itself on the loyalty and devotion of it’s workers.” – That line is repeated twice in the scene.
• You can see people watching the car chase from the sidewalk.
• The change of wheels in the infamous car stunt.
• Bond’s hair and clothes switch from dry and neat before the pool encounter with Bambi and Thumper to wet and messy, then clean and neat again in later scenes that follow it.
• The line, ”Science was never my strong point” by Blofeld does not make sense, considering what he did in OHMSS. However, it seemed Mankiewicz liked this line, as he also used it for Scaramanga in TMWTGG: ”They tell me the energy is stored somewhere… in here… science was never my strong point.”

Live and Let Die —

• The ‘007’ motif is visible on the cards.

The Man with the Golden Gun —

• A crew member is visible in one of the mirrors in Saida’s room during the fight.
• A crew member is visible in a mirror in Andrea’s bathroom in the hotel.
• More of a bit of trivia to notice, is the 5 note LALD theme played when Pepper catches glimpse of Bond.
• There seems to be no wine in the bottles that break against the suitcase held up by Bond.
• How does M get the phone number on Scaramanga’s junk?

The Spy Who Loved Me —

• The banned ‘Laura’s Theme’ plays on Triple X’s music box.
• There is no splash when the helicopter falls into the sea. It appears to crush on top of it.

Moonraker —

• The parachute straps are sometimes visible during the pre-credits.
• Corrinne’s footwear changes during the scene of her death.
• A sliding case of knives comes up when the coffin opens, yet when Bond throws a knife back and the lid is about to fall down, the sliding case of them is already down in the coffin again.
• The line ”…with my pet python” from Drax appears to overlap a line his lips are saying.
• In one scene during the zero gravity scene, a black cord holding Bond is visible.
• Bond somehow acquires his wrist gun for the end of the film.

For Your Eyes Only —

• There are already holes in the umbrella that gets shot at in the escaper sequence.
• The time changes rather rapidly during the raid on the warehouse and Bond’s killing of Locque.

Octopussy —

• A pole holding up the Acrostar inside the hangar is slightly visible.
• The word ‘Cincinnati’ is spelled wrong on the tourist boat.
• A cast from an injury is visible on one of the thugs that battles against Bond and Octopussy.
• The line spoken by Magda, ”Back to India”, is dubbed over something else her lips are saying.

Never Say Never Again —

• During Bond’s meeting of Fatima, she first has one ski, and then two when she slides up to where he is standing.

A View to a Kill —

• Bond first is wearing gloves when searching for 003, he then does not have them when he gets the microchip, but in the following chase sequences, he is wearing them.
• The windows change from being rolled up and down during the scene that has the car being pushed into the water.
• It is possible to see the cable pulling the car into the water that contains Bond and Tibbett.
• No ashes are seen when Stacey breaks her grandfather’s vase.
• The boat seems to go under or back up in it’s position under the bridge during thr final fight.

The Living Daylights —

• One tire is shot out during the ice chase, but when the Aston Martin is launched in mid air, all four are on the car again.
• The plane at the end of the film, switches from having two to four propeller engines.

Licence to Kill —

• It is possible to see a cord going from Bond’s sleeve to the lighter he receives from Felix and Della.

GoldenEye —

• The scientist that 006 shoots in the pre-credits can still be seen standing after he is shot in the reflection of the glass.
• The eye as to which Bond holds the binocular view of Xenia and her boat up to changes.
• The sound of 4 keys being hit is heard when Natayla types in the word, ‘knockers’.
• In one shot, when Bond is falling down the Satellite in the end of the film, (Natayla and Bond both fall down the now uncovered dish), you can see a small black sliding cushion that Brosnan sits on as he slides towards the center.

Tomorrow Never Dies —

• Carver gives orders to Gupta to play the dialogue between Paris and Bond. (”Tell me James, do you still sleep with a gun under your pillow?”) He plays it once and then Carver orders him to play it again, which also happens. However, no word is said to play it a third time, but you do hear the dialogue for a third time.
• The line ”…and his toys”, which is Carver talking about Stamper’s torture implements, seems to be added in, as it looks like his lips do not move when that line is spoken.

The World is not Enough —

• During the boat chase, Julietta the Cigar girl, early on, slides the boat towards the screen and smashes part of a small unit on the water, and glass flies everywhere. In the very next shot, you can see the Q boat and her boat in a long shot, on the far left, you can see part of the camera crew, with a camera extended over the water to catch the scenes.
• When the Cigar girls sunseeker is heading for the balloon, you can see the dent in the outer fencing before she rams into it.
• When Bond says “Free? Nothing comes free from you, Zukovsky.” The “Zukovsky” is clearly dubbed.

Die Another Day —

• At the end of the pre-credits General Moon reached Bond so quickly, he should have had to go through the mine field also. And he did not have a hovercraft to do so.

Disclaimer: This list is by no means the list that includes them all, I have checked these, and I only listed ones that I believed were common bloopers that don’t stretch credibility too far. There are undoubtedly more bloopers for sure, but I believe this is a good list for some of the ones for each film.

Driving Miss Moneypenny

Now sit down if you are not already seated, because what I have to tell you all may come as a shock. I have it on pretty good authority that Hollywood is running rather low on film ideas at the moment. Now I can’t divulge the names of my sources, because they aren’t real and I’ve just made them up to impress you, but these sources tell me that studios, producers and writers and in an absolute panic. That’s why established franchises and comic book adaptations are all the rage at the moment. They guarantee reasonable success without having to be especially creative or original. And with ticket sales, DVD sales, rentals, merchandise, video games and TV cartoon series, it means plenty of money in the bank, which can be used to make even more of these films.

In the last few years we’ve seem comics like X-Men, Spiderman, Daredevil and The Hulk brought to life on the big screen, as well as other franchise like Star Wars, Lara Croft: Tomb Raider, and ofcourse, James Bond. And there’s always talk of Batman and Indiana Jones making a return to movie theatres. Still it could be worse. In the mid-90’s we had that god awful “films based on 60’s TV shows” craze which, in comparison, doesn’t make this current franchise frenzy look so bad come to think of it.

In this current franchise frenzy, studios and producers are always on the lookout for a new franchise to make a film out of. And if they can’t find one or create an original one, they’ll do the next best thing, Spin-off. The Spin-off genre appeared dead until The Rock (do you smell what he’s cooking ? Mmmm, burritos) jump started it again starring in The Scorpion King. When Die Another Day was unleashed upon the cinema going public, there was talk of Halle Berry starring in her own series of Jinx Spin-off films. There was something about the idea of the most undeveloped character in the history of the series getting her own film franchise that appealed to EON, and Purvis and Wade were immediately hired to put crayon to paper and come up with a Jinx script. But the Jinx Spin-off didn’t eventuate, and Ms. Berry went off to do Catwoman instead. Now that doesn’t mean that we’ll never see a Spin-off come from the Bond series, oh no, not at all. It just means that they’ll have to find another character of which to base the Spin-off film on, and I have a few suggestions….

Charles Robinson Crusoe – Discontent with his job as the token black guy of MI6, Robinson makes plans to sell top secret codes to the Russians. He steals a helicopter and makes way for Moscow, then remembering that Russia is no longer a Communist country, changes course and heads for Cuba. But he crash lands and winds up on a uncharted desert island. He meets other castaways and enjoys the paradise lifestyle, until the island is invaded by a Robot Army. The Robot Army challenge the castaways to a game of Basketball, with ownership of the island going to the winner. Worried that the Robots will cheat to win, the castaways bring in the Harlem Globetrotters as ringers to level the playing field. The plan succeeds and the Robot Army is driven off the island, and least for now.

The Goodhead, The Bad, and The Ugly – It’s been 25 years since Moonraker, but finally, CIA Agent Holly Goodhead makes her long awaited return to the big screen. This time she teams up with Nick Nack and Jaws (who provide the comic relief, fighting over which one of them is “The Bad” and which is “The Ugly”. The three of them ride off into the heart of the desert, to foil a villainous plot ripped straight from the headlines involving a hot air balloon, a bottle of Tequila, some African Conflict Diamonds and a three-legged goat.

The Thunderball Run – Auric Goldfinger in his Gold Rolls Royce, Sheriff JW Pepper in his Police Car, Doctor No in his Dragon Tank, and many more of your favourite characters from the Bond series come together to compete in The Thunderball Run, a road race across America and back again. With a grand prize of $1 million cash and a free pass to the National Air and Space Museum, competition is sure to be cut-throat, and there’s bound to be plenty of thrills, spills, and yes, because you demanded it, kills. And in this kind of race there are only two rules: Rule #1 – There are no rules, Rule #2 – No invisible cars allowed.

Driving Miss Moneypenny – The Queen, Prince Charles, and the rest of the Royal Family are tragically killed in a fox hunting incident. Expert genealogists are brought in to determine who is next in line to the throne, and discover that it is none other than Miss Moneypenny. So Moneypenny quits her secretary job at MI6, is crowned Monarch, and moves into Buckingham palace. Queen Moneypenny brings sweeping reform to the Kingdom, booting out Scotland to make way for Bangladesh, selling the Crown Jewels on E-Bay, and hiring James Bond (Pierce Brosnan in a guest appearance) as her chauffeur. At first she enjoys ruling over the common folk, but soon the pressure gets to her and she turns to heroin for relief. And when Bond inadvertently blabs to a gossip columnist about driving her to rehab, the plot thickens.

Until next time,

Freemo

Comments, suggestions, ideas and belated Valentines wishes can be sent to [email protected], or posted in the forums.

James Bond Trivia 101

Is there anything more thrilling than trivia? I seriously doubt it. There is no sensation that compares to the adrenaline rush one gets from showing off their trivia skills to the amazement of onlookers. And James Bond and trivia go hand in hand. When I think trivia, I think James Bond, and when I think James Bond, I think trivia. James Bond trivia is far more interesting than trivia regarding non-Bond related subjects. Tell people which country won the first Soccer World Cup, or how many episodes of The Partridge Family were made, and they smile politely and yawn. But tell people that Roger Moore is older than Sean Connery or that The Spy Who Loved Me ends to the sound of a pack of drunken sailors singing the title song, and they’ll be hanging on your every word.

You don’t need fancy clothes, a fast car, or even good looks to impress. You can get along just fine with a bit a James Bond trivia. Now I’m sure most of you already have a fair bit of Bond trivia up your sleeves. You can probably run off all the films and books in your sleep, tell stories about what actors were originally considered for what rolls, and quote the licence plate of Bond’s BMW Z8 from The World Is Not Enough. Heck, You may even be able to accurately describe what colour Roger Moore’s hair really is in A View to A Kill. You may know all that and more, but that doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t brush up on your James Bond knowledge every once in a while. Think of this article as a refresher course, and think of me, Freemo, as your wise old tutor with his cardigan and pipe. Together, we will hit the books, and study a few points of 007 trivia not known outside these university halls..

“The first actor to play two different characters in the James Bond series was…. Sean Connery”.

The honor role of people who have had the privilege of appearing in multiple roles in the 007 flicks is a long and distinguished one. From Charles Grey, Maud Adams, Martine Beswick and Joe Don Baker in rather large roles, to the repeated cameos of Shane Rimmer and Michael G. Wilson, popping up every now and then as different minor characters. But if watching the films in order, preceding all those people was Anthony Dawson, who played Geologist Professor Dent in the first Bond film Doctor No, before returning a year later as the hands of Ernst Stavro Blofeld in From Russia With Love. With that in mind, most aficionados would most confidently that he was the first. Those people would be wrong. Now before you look at me as if I’ve just slapped your mother, think about it for a minute, and you’ll agree that the first actor (stuntmen not included) to play multiple characters in the Bond series is, infact Sean Connery. He, of course, played 007 in Doctor No and From Russia With Love, but also played a SPECTRE agent wearing a James Bond mask in the pre-credit scene of From Russia With Love. Connery is in the scene, running around the maze, and the character he is playing is not James Bond. That scene coming being before Dawson’s scene as Blofeld, making Connery, technically, the first actor to play multiple characters in the James Bond film series.

“The only Bond film not to have a major villain is…. Tomorrow Never Dies“.

Talking about a Bond film with no major villain will thrill and wow your audience no end. Many would say that From Russia With Love is the Bond film missing the major villain, with Red Grant and Rosa Klebb in a double act role. But I’d have Klebb as the major adversary and Grant as merely the henchman. After all Grant’s only interested in swiping some gold sovereigns and getting Bond to kiss his feet. Klebb is the one out for glory. But, Tomorrow Never Dies, there is a film without a major villain. At first glance, Elliot Carver seems to fit the bill nicely, but was Elliot Carver really so bad? When you look at the film closely, it’s clear that he isn’t really a villain at all. I mean, surely he’s one of the nicest, most honourable media moguls you’ve ever seen. For one, the stories he printed were true, without any of the cheap tricks or persuasive messages the media so often use. “17 British Sailors Murdered”. I mean, 17 British sailors really were murdered. Sure Carver may have been the one responsible, but he’s reporting the news better than most. Most newspapers or TV news programs run sleazy headlines fresh from the rumour-mill, about attention-seeking celebrities trying to resurrect their failing careers. “Madonna in love triangle with Brittnay Spears and Francis the Talking Mule”. Bombarding us innocent readers with stories like this is surely a far greater crime than anything Elliot Carver ever did. Even worse, they spelt “Britney” incorrectly. When you look at it like that, it’s reasonable not to consider Carver a villain at all, let alone the major villain.

Quarrel Junior (seen in Live and Let Die) isn’t really…. Quarrel’s biological son.

Well, I can’t actually prove this one for certain, but it’s well known that Mrs. Quarrel “got around”, if you know what I mean. Hard to forget those rumors about her and Puss Feller, or the ones with Commander Strangways. She probably named the child “Quarrel Junior” so that her husband wouldn’t get suspicious, a very crafty scheme indeed. Quarrel was probably too busy filling and refilling that rum bottle of his to ever notice the lack of family resemblance between him and Junior anyway. Hmmm.

So there you have it. Three more precious pieces of James Bond trivia to improve upon your expansive knowledge (well two, third ones a bit doubtful. If anyone can prove it one way or the other, send me an email). And it’s on that note that conclude the lesson for today. For homework, find out which John Garnder novel has the most words. Sorry we didn’t have time to discuss who currently owns the 2CV Melinda drove in For Your Eyes Only, or to go into what the “J.W” in Sheriff J.W Pepper really stands for. Those are pieces of Bond trivia that will have to wait for another time.

Oh, and by the way, Uruguay won the first Soccer World Cup, and there were 96 episodes of The Partridge Family.

Until next time,

Freemo

Comments, suggestions, ideas and corrections can be sent to [email protected], or posted in the forums.

"Old School" Video Games

Remember playing the video game 007 Racing? I didn’t think so. It’s the game that’s widely regarded by those in the 007 gaming community as the worst James Bond game in the history of James Bond games. No mean feat when you consider the Bond series also includes such ordinary titles as the linear and lackluster Agent Under Fire, and the totally abysmal Tomorrow Never Dies. For the uninitiated, take my word for it, swallowing a bowl of spark plugs is a preferable alternative to spending half an hour playing Tomorrow Never Dies on the Playstation. Actually, don’t take my word for, try both and decide for yourself, make sure you play Tomorrow Never Dies first though, it will make the spark plugs taste all the more better.

Not here to discuss the merits (or lack of) of Tomorrow Never Dies or the other “EA” Bond titles however. Other than to say whoever was responsible for taking the Bond Licence from those God-like game developers at “Rare” (who made the brilliantly amazing and amazingly brilliant GoldenEye 64, all hail “Rare”) and giving it to the two-bit hacks at “EA” should be taken out and beaten (slowly, and painfully, very painfully). But like I said, I’m not here to discuss that.

What I am here is to discuss is the original James Bond video games. No, not GoldenEye 64 (as brilliantly amazing and amazingly brilliant as it was), but rather the early James Bond video games. They weren’t the flashy first-person shooters today’s generation are spoiled with, they were a different type of game, the old-fashioned “classics” like birds-eye view car games and 2D platformers. There were the “Old School” James Bond video games that popped up in the 1980’s on home systems like the Commodore 64 and Amiga. Most of them were made by a development team known as “Domark”, whom I fear may have long since gone the way of the Dodo, but I could be mistaken.

There were also those interesting “text adventure” PC games for Goldfinger and A View to A Kill written by future Bond novelist Raymond Benson, but today I’m focusing on “Domarks” long forgotten contribution to the world off 007 gaming. And as we cast as eye back over those classic titles from the infancy of video gaming, some of you will be in retro heaven, some of you will be in retro hell, and the rest of you won’t have a clue what I’m talking about. Sounds pretty much the same as with all these articles. Anyway, keep on reading, and check out the list below of “Old School” James Bond gaming titles, because you never know, you might just learn something….

A View to a Kill – (Commodore 64, 1985): Don’t push any buttons when you turn this game on, otherwise you’ll miss the awesome retro gunbarrel, white dots, red blood, and all. This game is split into four levels, “Paris Chase”, “City Hall”, “Mines” and the “Finale”. Unfortunately, there is ofcourse no save feature. Fortunately, there is a password you are given as you pass each level. Unfortunately, it’s pretty bloody hard to pass the levels. First level, the “Paris Chase” is a clever split screen operation, the top half a drivers view, and the bottom have a birds eye view as you drive though the streets chasing May Day’s parachute. I’d talk about the other levels, but I couldn’t get past the first one. Maybe you can.

The Living Daylights – (Commodore 64, 1987): The version I looked at was for the Commodore 64, but a friend has since informed me that this game was also available for the original Nintendo NES, but I’ve never seen or read anything to back that up, and quite frankly I wouldn’t take his word for it (if he should be reading this, I’m only kidding). The Living Daylights is more along the lines of the conventional old style 2D platformer (for the unfamiliar, think the old Super Mario Bros game and such) than A View to A Kill, which was more adventurous and innovative in it’s level design. The graphics have progressed a long way, but early stages, such as “The Pipeline” were a little drab and dreary compared to the more colorful A View to A Kill.

The Spy Who Loved Me – (Commodore 64, 1990): Didn’t realize anyone was still making Commodore 64 games come 1990, but that’s the date on my copy of The Spy Who Loved Me. Anyway, of all the Commodore 64 James Bond games I’ve played, this one, a top-view driving game in the same vien as Super Spy Hunter was by far the best. You drive Bond Lotus Esprit, “Wet Nellie”, though various stages, shooting enemy vehicles while dodging civilians and oil slicks (the car can drive underwater but can’t withstand a little oil slick ? That’s life I suppose). There were also coins to collect but it was never made clear to me why one should bother with them. Still, not a bad game all in all.

James Bond in The Duel – (Sega Genesis, 1992): To remind you of just how old and outdated this game is, the opening screen has a quite nice picture of Timothy Dalton in Licence to Kill pose. For those of us who weren’t yet Bond fans in 1992, I guess this could be put forward as some proof that Timothy Dalton was still considered to be 007 at the time. As for the game, it’s your typical 2D platformer from the time of the 16-bit consoles, although this one is a little more challenging than most platformers. Bond looks as good as ever, in his tux (unpractical attire, but cool) and jetpack from Thunderball. Old enemies in Odd Job, Jaws and Baron Samedi pop up, for no real better reason other than “just because”, but it’s nice to have them around.

“Domark” (and other companies too) developed quite a number of James Bond video games from the mid-80s until the early 90’s. Apart from the aforementioned titles there was also James Bond in Octopussy, which is widely considered to be the very first 007 game, and The Stealth Affair, perhaps the most popular of early Bond outings. There were also games for Diamonds Are Forever, Live and Let Die, and Licence to Kill. While they vary in quality, and by no means paved the way for the James Bond games we have today, it is important that these “Old School” vide games aren’t forgotten. I’m petitioning for a re-release of each and every one of them. I hope you’ll all do the same.

Until next time,

Freemo

Comments, suggestions, ideas and Roger Moore oneliners can be sent to [email protected], or posted in the forums.