As you read this essay, the glistening effects of Valentine’s Day may still be lingering in your heart, or, if you were unfortunate, something happened that turned that beating red vessel of joy into something stone cold, still, and black. Such is life, and more directly, such is the life of James Bond. We have never heard 007 speak of this holiday, probably because he sees it as some modern folks do – a manufactured Hallmark marketing scheme. Then again, perhaps he stays silent because he has had his heart shattered one too many times. Either way, Bond is a classic example of how treacherous the road to love can be. It’s a trip with many twists, turns, bumps, highs and lows, but it is a hell of a ride none-the-less. This month’s JQ will attempt to be your road map on the journey.

The first thing that needs to be addressed is maturity. Bond is a mature man, snide remarks in Tomorrow Never Dies non-withstanding. The school-day games of getting your friend to find out if your intended likes you or not, or pretending to hate the person you are attracted to, are not going to work here. If you like someone and wish to be more than friends with him or her, tell them. Be direct. Bond has to be, because in his line of work there usually is little time for games. We agents-to-be should be direct, because games are for children, not for lovers.

If the person should reject your intentions, MOVE ON. Life is too short, and you are too good for someone who doesn’t see that. Pining over someone who doesn’t want you does have a certain amount of safety to it, after all, nothing ventured is nothing lost. It is also nothing gained. An agent’s life is full of risks, and so must be yours. Chances are though, since we are attractive and dashing agents, we will not be rejected.

Getting through the door to that first date could be tricky. There are expectations to be met – on both sides. Don’t blow it by being careless. Show up when you say you will. Dress appropriately, if not perhaps a little bit neater, than you should for wherever you are going. Take a shower. Groom yourself. Keep the first conversations between the two of you light and breezy. The weather, mutual interests, current films and TV programs, are all fine topics. Tell the person across from you about the great loss you suffered when your dog died, giving details on your last bout with Asthma, or sharing that you expect to be married by a certain date, are all most definite no-nos. And by all means, if you are nervous, don’t go to great pains to hide it. The other person is nervous too, and will appreciate that you care enough about them to be nervous about the date.

Now what happens at the end of a date is entirely up to the people involved. Hopefully, you know the person well enough to know if a kiss is OK, or if something more is expected. It’s not my job to tell you how a date should end, except to offer a little piece of practical wisdom: do you really think it is smart or safe to jump into bed with someone you barely know? Yes, we all know this is exactly what James Bond does. And James Bond also fell off a hot balloon, landed on the Millennium Dome and walked away with nothing more than a separated shoulder. Not terribly realistic, is it? Agents do what they must in the field, but they always take precautions. Never forget that.

If you are lucky, a relationship will slowly develop. And as the relationship grows, the need to play games, if you have ignored my previous warning about them, should lessen. I realize that there are several books out there that advertise themselves to be guides to dating, but they really are instructions to your love life as a board game. One in particular is called The Rules and it purports that if you follow their rules you will wind up happily ever after. Allow me to inform you that is not so. One of the co-authors got divorced because her husband tired of the rules. Don’t make that mistake. An agent’s life is often too short for rules or games.

If you want to go somewhere, tell the other person. If you are angry with them, say so, and explain why, without doing an impersonation of the banshees. If you expect a certain answer from your loved one don’t ask a question, tell them what you want to hear. In other words, have many gadgets if Q has been good to them, but a mind reading device is not one of them. Be direct and be honest, and never ever think that the other person knows what you are thinking. As time goes on, they might get to know you well enough to guess, but sometimes, not even we know what we are thinking.

To keep your loved ones in your thoughts, save mementos of important moments in your courtship. Little knick-knacks, cards, and love letters, should be kept safe in box, (preferably one with a lock), that no one but you can get to. This is a real concrete way to let someone know they mean enough to you that you treasure all the things they do for you. One can never be sure just how much Bond keeps, but I am willing to bet that somewhere in his closet are tiny artifacts from his times with the women he has loved the most.

When courting, it’s not just enough to go out on big romantic dates and to buy each other expensive presents. Some agents to be simply can’t afford that, and really that’s not what love is. Love is calling someone and telling him or her their favorite movie or performer is on TV, just in case they didn’t know. Love is sending a card or letter to them to remind them how you feel, not just on the holidays, but on any day you feel like it. Love is helping them move or jump starting their car when it is pouring rain outside, or freezing cold, or boiling hot. Love is paying attention to who they are and who they want to be, not what you want them to be.

Love also means letting them do what they need to do to be the best person they can be. All your hobbies will not be the same, and you each need to let the other person do the things they love, even if it doesn’t necessarily involve you. Let them go golfing on weekends, as long as there isn’t something really important you both need to do. Let them go out with their friends without you, knowing that when they come home they will probably have some neat adventure to tell you about. Trust them to be true to you, no matter where they are, and they will be.

More than letting a loved one have their hobbies; you also have to let them do their job. It might mean giving them space to grade papers or write legal briefs. It might mean understanding that they are on call at a hospital and may have to leave you at a moment’s notice, or in some cases it might mean that have to work long shifts as police officers, fire fighters, or military personal. Let them do their jobs, and then let them leave their jobs at work. Make your home, your life together, the refuge it needs to be, by giving them plenty of things to distract them, like love, movies, fun activities, etc. If they want to talk, be there for them, and don’t judge them. Trust them enough to know they did what they had to do in a particular moment. And if they don’t want to talk, then let your love fill the silence.

Sometimes however, perhaps because you didn’t let a person be who they are or you did and in that evolution, you drift apart. When a relationship ends, and you are the one being left, if you truly love the person you have got to want what is best for them, even if it isn’t you. Let them go, and don’t make the moment worse by crying in front of them. Wait until they are gone, and then let the tears fall. You are entitled to your pain, but you are not entitled to make the other person suffer. They might not love you anymore, but they will respect you a whole lot more if you behave with dignity and maturity.

Dignity and maturity in such cases means tucking away that box of mementos. It will not help you to have that box in easy view where you can be reminded of what is in the past. It might also make the new person in your life, when that time comes (as it will), somewhat uncomfortable. True, this person should be respectful enough of you and your past to understand you have one, and even though you may have given your whole heart to someone, others still have a place there too. That being said, you shouldn’t make things unduly awkward for them.

Respect and trust is key. If that is present, the past won’t matter; it will be the future that guides you. But if you give the person in your life a reason to believe you are not totally committed, those boxes of mementos, those three little words, will mean nothing. Bond is a man of honor and no matter how brief the relationship might be, he doesn’t cheat while it is going on, and neither should you. If the relationship isn’t working, be direct and say so. Maybe it can be saved. If it cannot, tell the other person and as neatly as you can, leave. Don’t drag things out; don’t pretend that things can be worked out if they can’t. You will only be hurting yourself and your lover in the long run.

But maybe the relationship won’t end, and it will go all the way to marriage, and to having a family if that is what the two of you want. Marriage is another level to love and romance, but all the rules above still apply. You still have to respect that other person, and you still have to make them feel special as often as you can. You must also remember that they cannot read your mind, and that occasionally they need to do their own thing without you being jealous of that. Let them be, and they will let you be, and you will both be together.

In Bond’s lifetime he has loved a few women very seriously, and a few times the women he has wanted to build a life with have been taken from him. Hopefully, that will not happen to you. But even in his pain, Bond has learned to look back fondly on the times they had together and treasure every moment. As agents-to-be, you should do nothing less.