Martinis, girls, and guns: this is the Bond trinity, and in this month’s JQ we cover the third and final member of the group, guns.

Before we get started, a word of explanation: this is not going to be a pro or con National Rifle Association (aka NRA) piece. This column and the one coming next year are merely informational columns that do not pass judgment on guns or their ownership. If you are looking for such a column, please look elsewhere. Still with me? Good. Let’s talk about firearms.

The first thing to know is what gun is best for you. As attractive as they might look, and as often as you might see them on the big and little screen, semi-automatic and automatic weapons just aren’t necessary for the average gun owner. Yes, Bond carries a semi-automatic weapon (both the Walther PPK and P99 are semis), but he also confronts villains on a daily basis. Mercifully, the rest of us do not.

When buying a gun, try to remember what your needs are, and how much you can handle, personally. Again, the average gun owner does not need a semi-automatic weapon, as most handgun confrontations happen when the adversaries are very close to each other.

Also, keep in mind you should get a gun that fits your hand very well. If you have bigger hands, then by all means go for a P99 or a Colt .45. If, however, your hands are smaller, you are better off sticking with a PPK, a Colt .380, or a Smith and Wesson .380. These guns are easily concealed in a holster or in a purse or briefcase, and still pack all the punch of their bigger siblings.

Once you have the gun, storage is key. Accidents happen, and they happen when the gun is not handled properly. Take the safety off the gun, and put your finger on the trigger ONLY when you are ready to fire. At all other times, keep your finger to the side of the trigger, and again, keep that safety on.

At home, you should store all components separately: the gun in one place, the magazine with the loaded ammunition in another place, and extra ammunition in a third place. All three places should be locked. Investing in a good gun safe, or three, for all the afore mentioned elements would not be a bad idea.

I know what you are thinking – this is not how Bond does it. Bond sleeps with his weapon full assembled and fully loaded under his pillow. I know this, you know this, and so did Miranda Frost who managed to disarm Bond by removing the firing pin from his P99. Of course, we all don’t have Frosts in our lives, but we might have little visitors around, and they should never, ever, be able to get their hands on a loaded gun. Lock the guns up; keep the ammunition away from the guns in a separate locked place that only you know about. This way any children in the home will be safe, not to mention that it would make it harder for any home intruder to get to your weapons and use them against you.

The other part of operating your gun safely is making sure that it is clean and in working order. Once you get a gun, you should also have in your possession a gun brush that will work with the calibre of your gun, a cleaning rod, gun solvent, gun oil, cleaning patches, and either a gun rag, or an old cotton t-shirt to wipe down the gun once you are done cleaning it. It is also handy to have a screwdriver and WD-40 on hand, as they are also part of the cleaning process not only for guns, but also for other equipment you might have.

When you are ready to clean your gun, the first rule is a no-brainer: make sure the gun is unloaded. I cannot tell you how many times I have heard of someone being killed by their own weapon because they forgot to make sure it was unloaded. Take the magazine out and also make sure that the chamber where the bullets would be is empty.

Because the cleaning techniques differ between revolvers and Semi-Automatics, I offer you two different guides for cleaning your weapons.

Revolvers: Open the cylinder and with the gun brush for the specific caliber, dip the brush into the solvent of choice, and insert into each chamber of the cylinder. Clean each chamber as if you are scrubbing the inside of a glass or pot. Do the same to the barrel, adding solvent, as you need to. Using your screwdriver, remove the grips from the gun’s butt. Again, with the gun brush (or a toothbrush, if one is handy), and more solvent, gently scrub the framework and hammer spring. Finally, cock the hammer; clean it in the same way. This would also be a good time to check to see if there is any wear on the firing pin. If the pin is worn, you might want to think about getting it replaced.

Once the actual cleaning is done, it is time to dry and polish the gun. Again, using the cleaning rod put a cleaning patch on it (one for every chamber) and repeat the process of cleaning the chamber. For the hammer and hammer spring, buff those with patch held in your hand, using a separate one each for the hammer and the spring. You will repeat this process a third time with gun oil.

Replace the grips on the gun, and dry everything off with the gun rag or the old shirt. If you cleaned your gun at a gun range, or can get to a range easily, load the weapon with dummy rounds. Gun owners will know if the action feels right. If it does, you are done. If it does not, take it to a professional to be looked at.

Semi-Automatics: Eject the clip (aka the magazine), and lock the slide back. Remove the lever/restraining pin and slide assembly.

Clean the slide assembly first, removing the barrel, spring and any firing pin assembly. Again with the appropriately sized brush dipped in solvent, use the cleaning rod to clean the barrel of the gun. Next, scrub the pin assembly, the slide frame, and the trigger assembly. To polish, repeat the steps above with gun oil and WD-40. Once that is done, you can reassemble the gun.

When it comes to the magazine, remove the slide clip from the base (the common arrangement with most semis) and remove the spring and mount. Using the gun brush, scrub the clip and repeat using gun patches with oil. Reassemble the clip and again, if at the range, or if you can get to it easily, load with 3-5 dummy rounds. Dry fire the pistol and again, check the feel. Work the slide until every dummy round has been ejected. Wipe down with a rag and store as you normally would.

You might be wondering why the above is so detailed. The answer is simple: like anything else in life, proper maintenance is key to peak performance. Remember that in the VR sequence in Die Another Day, Bond is seen cleaning his weapon. He knows how to maintain his gear so it performs as well as he does. All double-ohs to be must follow his example in this regard.

Schematics for the Walter PPK can be found at Urban Armory, while the schematics for the Colt .380 can be found at E-GunParts.